Malice in Wonderland

"Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice A thought that often crosses my own mind is: "How did I end up here? How did things get so fucked up? It's all so insane!" Then I look on TV and see a President hoping to explain those very same questions. Amazing! He will explain the importance of finding a way to fit a square peg in a round hole. We are to respectfully listen and dutifully mull words of lunacy. As one senator said, it's all Alice in Wonderland. "Oh, dear! What nonsense I’m talking!" "We cannot be defeaters in fitting the square peg in the round hole. The only way to lose is to quit! But imaginate if we win! No more reality ever! Whatever we wish to be true, will be true! The good life forever! But if we fail...horror of horrors. Good peoples, I have bet all the possessions of the land upon our endeavorings. If we lose, we lose everything. Thank you for allowing me to have done this." "Give your evidence," said the King; "and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot." I heard there were those Who don't like us; Their most fervent wish Is to strike us! So instead of calling Them brother; We showed them by shooting Their mother! With all enemies dead We will win; With no one left to say It's a sin! I read it, wrote it And now I sing: When you see a war, It's a good thing! "How dreadfully savage!" exclaimed Alice. No more shall I speak of this war. The tides of destiny are set. We wistfully speak of our selfish wants and desires in the world as a tsunami of sorrows heads for our shores. Our "long, national nightmare" continues as we indulge in a self-absorbed mad tea-party politely speaking of how we can put Humpty Dumpty back together again. This wrongful pursuit pulls us from our lives and thus from what's truly important: fixing ourselves. See you back up the rabbit hole.

What Is Folly?

"how can i go forward when i
don't know
which way i'm facing?
how can i go forward when i
don't know which way to turn?
how can i go forward into
something i'm not sure of?
oh no, oh no."
- John Lennon

I know what I feel. I know what I think. Life has been over for me for a long, long time. And the longer you stick around after your life is over, the more absurd it becomes. Since no one knows me or who I am (excepting possibly Debby), then I'm just another lost face in the crowd. If Steven Spielberg were a janitor, only he would know his crime of having deprived the world of his true gifts. He couldn't confess it if he wanted to, passed over as just another dilettante.

This is why I always try to scratch the surface of my fellow day laborers. On occasion you find some truly interesting people. Some are just "passing through" as homeless and you see they are on their way back into a life. Rarely do you find another lifer like me that's still functional. There are those who can only survive by breathing the free air. I too need the free air but I don't know if I'd still be here if I were not also the emotional cripple I am.

In the position where I am now, is it mere folly to hope for anything? You have to be realistic and realize the damage done. You can't be expecting to run when both legs are broken. Some call it "bad attitude" when I say I can't run but it's merely a statement of fact. Maybe they're thinking I'm saying I can never run. Maybe they're right.

I can honestly see no point to my life if I can't share my feelings. I do believe all things are possible with love, but is it possible for me to love? In no form or fashion do I deserve Debby but only with her do things make sense. Yet if I were to come up to her now, she would rip my throat out - with extreme prejudice. I've turned my soul mate into my most dangerous enemy. I think that says a lot about the twisted path I have taken.

So I ask myself, why write? Why get up, why endure the daily tears? I feel that just by blogging I am somehow implying I think I have a future. I feel no such thing. In my position - in my condition - what is asking too much? I'm at the bottom of a well and my legs have broken. Here in the dark I document my humiliating death. How do I tell true hope from what's just in my head? How do I know if I'm just wasting time...

"how can i have feeling when i
don't know
if it's a feeling?
how can i feel something if i
just don't know how to feel?
how can i have feelings when
my feelings have always
been denied?
oh no, oh no."

Nobunaga's Lament

"I am Oda Nobunaga. Who the hell are you?
"Where were you ever king of a country?
"When did you advance the age of your times?
"A ruler by virtue, a ruler by skill.
"No force from without could defeat me.
"So I was defeated from within.
"The tortured power of living by the sword.
"Had I surrendered, I would have won."
-Haiku Monk

In a previous posting, I recounted my sojourn to Japan to retrace the steps of Oda Nobunaga and the remnants of my beloved Azuchi castle. But now from across the ages, Nobunaga speaks for himself.

"OOOOODDDDAAAAAAA!

"Bakana! I was the most powerful man alive, the leader of a new age. The air was alive with electricity, all my decisions destined to succeed. All eyes looked to me to lead the way. They knew as I did I was the most capable man in the land! There were those I respected, even a few I trusted, but my understanding of what needed to be done surpassed all others. A divine wind guided my hand. But I put faith in my vanity and not the wind and so the wind cut me down like a reed. Yet when I let down my self, I let down my people."

A home for my pride;
Your darkened hearts followed me;
Nobunaga's fire.
"Of the Three Great Unifiers of Japan, I was the first, followed by Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Tokugawa Ieyasu. Hideyoshi was greatness! A true joy to be around. It has been said of me I was hot when you expected me to be cold and cold when you expected me hot. Hideyoshi transcended my moods, always brightening my day. He too understood the times. But he was a builder not a ruler, with no direction left once the country stood united.

"Ieyasu never fooled me. He was always a calculating sort, searching for any chink in your armor. Loved him as an ally, though. No fool, he. I'm sure he thought me rash and perhaps was even a bit mystified by me. I knew if he ever seized power, it would never slip from his hands. But never could he have started the great drive for unification as I had. He would have waited until the odds were better - and that day would never come."

Warlord's sword drips blood;
His private hell made public;
NO one says a word.
"I lost my head. I was too mercurial to approach about my behavior and I doubt I would have listened anyway. The power was choking me. No one understood. If only I had let go. My successors lead my people and our glorious land back into fuedalism, understanding none of my reforms. In desperation to hold power, Hideyoshi and Tokugawa shackled the people. Bakas! It was the freedom to create that started the new thinking for unification. In the end, they only stifled it, taking us down the road to atomic abomination upon our most precious land.

"I failed you Land of the Rising Sun, and can no longer look my countrymen in the eye. Perhaps no matter how great the deeds a man does, his first responsiblity is always to love."

Daily To Do List

Daily To Do List:

• Wake up. Realize nightmare's not over. Fuck!


• Sulk


• Give world the finger


• Get horny and die a little more


• Meaningless slave labor


• Babysit my fellow morons


• Fantasize about my death


• Secretly dream of Debby


• Panic as waves of horror return to roost


• Sulk more and pray for death (mine and the world's)
  

Above is a picture of Prince William's girlfriend. She resembles Debby somewhat so naturally it triggered a lot of memories - and feelings. I'm still madly in love with her. How can I not get excited when I see the other part of myself? Goddam I miss her! It's just a natural feeling to want to be whole. But the stench of death is stronger than ever in my nostrils...

You Can Be...

You can be:

rich man...........poor man

good man...........bad man

loving....................hateful

friendly...............haughty

winning...................losing

outgoing...................aloof

optimistic......pessimistic

right.......................wrong

inside...................outside

holy........................sinful

in a crowd..............alone

smart...................stupid

honest....................lying

believing......perfidious

beautiful................ugly

living...................dying

None of it matters if no one loves you.

Minimum Rage

I know what it's like to hock the gold chain your grandmother gave you so you can eat. (I got it back and I'll die before I hock it again). I know what's like to choose between funding an insurance company or making a car payment. And most importantly, I know what a scam this whole world is. I do not pray at the alter of any "ism".

The whole Minimum Rape wage gets my blood boiling. I saw Fucker Carlson on TV asking why not let the free market decide? The free market had 12 year olds working in coal mines and no safety laws. Others are just flat our greedy like this guy I debated on Flavia's blog (the other jack ass's comments are in red italics):

-----------------------------------
The folks that will take $7.15 an hour won't include those who get fired because their labor is not worth that to the employer. No reputable economist supports the minimum wage increase. - Jack Davis

This is not a joke. Or a game. Or a time for airhead comments about "reputable economists" from those who pretend to be for workers. Money flows up, not down. People’s lives are at stake. In a practical sense, this feeds the economy. Businesses don’t carry excess labor.

In a moral sense, suppression of wages is nothing more than a RAPE of men, women and children across this country. Predators.

Mundo nulla fides! Money is a tool and a weapon. It us an unnecessary artifice we have deemed necessary. We speak of it as we should of love. We use it as a substitute for having faith in our Maker. As this world dies, you’ll see no sympathy from me. Burn, baby, burn.

[Responding to another commenter] Marc,
You said: "Anyone who decides to downsize or close up shop over a rise in the minimum wage did not have a viable business to begin with" That's just nonsense. Some small businesses cannot afford min wage hikes and close down. I've worked in many. You cannot repeal the laws of economics with wishful thinking. For some reason many liberals have their version of "Inteligent Design " in minimum wage; namely pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo. - Jack Davis

Blogging, arguing, commenting – it’s all meaningless in the eyes of God. It’s so hilarious how we perpetually believe that somehow God is dependent on us to know the truth. But, if you’re going to be a moron, at least be a competent moron.

Jack, dude, what an unskilled liar you are. The first comment with “reputable economists” was bad enough. You need to pretend somewhat to believe what you say! Try providing at least one quote from one of these famed economists. Make it look like you did some research and that you’re not just making the self-serving comment that you are.

The hole only gets deeper with your second remark. What a painfully obvious fabricated statement! Now, there may be a germ of truth that many businesses have shut down once you’ve worked for them. Incompetence does that. But do you think anyone’s really buying this? Then, like all liars, you embed your own confession: “You cannot repeal the laws of economics with wishful thinking.” Don’t include axioms that can be used against your own argument! The last line of your comment is such gibberish I can only conclude the drug of your choice was kicking in.

I know you think you were being smart using the tactic of “never give them anything specific to attack.” But, um, you weren’t (being smart, that is).
-----------------------------------

As long as we're stupid enough to let money rule our lives, we've got to minimize the damage it does until we wake up. Money is not important, we've just agreed to pretend it is.

Homeless Man Dies. Cop Looks for Donut Shop

DALLAS (AP) The body of a dead homeless man was brought in last night. The coroner's office was aghast. "Amazing! It's looks as if he strangled himself! He must have really wanted to die."

Police, however, seemed only annoyed when asked if there would be an investigation. "Who gives a fuck? No one wanted him to live anyway. Christ, I need a donut!"

So this reporter took it upon himself to find a deeper answer. I found a few souls who'd been in contact with him. These were the thoughts on the final days of a nobody named Albert Einstein:

"Doesn't surprise me at all. He'd been deeply unhappy for a looong time. He was smart about science and stuff but couldn't get laid for the life of him."

"No one really knew him. Something was eating at him. No one knew exactly what - even when he told us."

"He always said God wanted him dead. His soul was poisoned."

"He wanted to go. Each day was a monumental effort of will. I'm amazed he lasted this long."

"What the hell, what homeless being has a future anyway?"

Meet the New Butcher, Worse Than the Old Butcher

Several months ago we literally pulled a man in his underwear out of a hole in the ground in Iraq. A few days ago we hung him by the neck. Lord knows I never thought it possible to make a sympathetic figure of Saddam Hussein. It seems the only person really rejoicing about this is our President, bouncing around the White House like a monkey on steroids. Meet the new Butcher of Baghdad.

We killed the "bad guy" but how do you shoot the mentality that put him in power? Now we've opened the Pandora's box of a mad scramble for power. Civilians and Americans are caught in the crossfire. The breakdown has enabled criminals and opportunists for terror to run rampant. Remarkably, there are still those among us who think we know what's best for others. Beware the man who wants to run your life, he seeks only to ruin it.

Don't get me wrong, Saddam was a monster. He recruited fellow monsters to terrorize and exploit the country. But stopping him is not the same as solving the problem. Like the ancient Israelites, the Iraqis chose to have a king to rule them. No one gets to be stupid for free. ("When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, and the Lord will not answer you in that day." -Samuel 8:18)

So we decided to play God. God turned his back on you, Iraq, but we love you. We are going to save you and you will give us all your oil in return. And then you will thank us! Instead, our President and all his followers have merely transferred the blood from the hands of Saddam to their own hands. Luckily, we know he's going to come clean of this crime and start the healing process.

Wile E Coyote, SUPER Genius

Just in case you missed it, here are some of the top posts of 2006 as voted on by, um, me. Enjoy the genius that is me:

The Three Sentinels of the Alpha Centauri Outpost

"Hi! I'm shit!"

True meaning of Flower Power

Sometimes...

Fisher of Mens' Souls

Enter the Sloth

Oda!

Portrait of the Artist as a Fucker

Good Times

The Trans Am Brat

Sitting on the Edge of the World

"Sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come."
-The Walrus
John Lennon spoke of when he was a youth he would look in the mirror and his face would "trance into alpha." That made him feel like a freak. And while I don't think I ever had a moment like that, I do know I've had "lost" moments I can explain to no one.

They arrive unexpectedly, when you relax - and at the most inopportune times. Moments when if you were to ask me the time or date or planet or reality, I could not answer you and have it be the truth. You stop, look around, and suddenly in you're in the universe - not some crap job or menial exisitence. It makes you want to live there forever...

One such moment for me happened on a sunny spring day in the oil fields of north Texas. I was just along for the ride with the driver who drained the holding tank of water pumped up with the oil (this has be drained and deposited at a registered disposal facility or the owner can be fined). Sitting out in the middle of nowhere, watching the breeze play with the grass and listening to the constant squeak of the pump, I lost my name.

I could have sat there forever, completely calm and content. I was in a place of dreams. If a flying saucer had landed - if anything had happened - it would have all seemed plausible. Sitting on the edge of the world, you can see into infinity. There was a truth in this moment I did not want to leave. I was timeless...

Reality was shattered by a voice of the world. "Come back," it said. "Life is all bills, bullshit and bothers." It was a sightless voice, seeing only with its eyes. "There's no other reality than what he have made." But having seen the universe, I know better.

Barbarians R Us

Bar-bar-ian (noun) an uncivilized, uncultured person; a brutal, cruel, insensitive person whose behavior is unacceptable.

"The poor you will always have with you." These are the words of Jesus Christ. Perverts will interpret this to mean: "there will always be fuck-ups." And a pervert always needs someone to denigrate. What Jesus was really saying is: "the world will always be unfair."

I hear all sorts of "solutions" to poverty. With over half the world in poverty, obviously none have worked. So far we have tried: government programs, charity, socialism, communism, capitalism, this ism, that ism. You can spend your entire life dedicated to ending poverty and it will only be a band aid, never a cure. The reason all efforts fail is because we concentrate on the symptoms, and not the cause.

"You shall have no other gods before me." There it is again, that pesky ol' First Commandment. Obviously God has no fucking idea how to run a society. You've got to appeal to people's greed! It's the only way! Money first, then God. That's when you can call yourself holy - making that "work".

Problem with that is we really are made in the image of God. It's human nature to care, to give and to reach out to others. In America, if you are not for greed and selfishness, you're a traitor. Our whole society is based on greed and we want to keep it! The irony of course is that that very same greed is what will cost us everything.

We are savages; putting survival up for sale. God in her wisdom put us perpetually at the mercy of one another, to force us to learn to live together. Instead, we merely use that vulnerability for blackmail. Only barbarians build a world set up to reward taking advantage of one another. And we'll always be barbarians as long as survival is up for sale.

It's All Good for the New Year

Our President will be a good and fair man.

The world will be just fine.

Our enemies will become our friends.

2007 will be remembered as the Summer of Love.

The environment will begin it's long journey of healing.

Poverty and hunger will vanish off the face of the earth forever.

Peace will reign supreme. We will beat our swords into ploughshares and our spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not raise sword against nation; we will train for war no more.

We shall turn to love for the answer.

All things will be good.

It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World!

Here lately I've been trespassing all over the blog of the great Flavia Colgan. I saw her on TV and was fascinated by her. "Who is that woman!" So I googled her and she turned out to be all I hoped for. I even sent her an email which she graciously acknowledged. I love you, Flavia!

Her blog is much different than mine - it's actually read. So I have the chance to interact and chip in my two cents and be heard. My comments are aliased under "Sidney Reilly" and "Haiku Monk". She also does "guest blogs", throwing out others' points of view to be digested. One guest blog was from a punk kid with the tried and true diatribe on the evil of TV. Couched in the tones of a Shakespearian tragedy, he laments a nation of couch potatoes more interested in Britney Spears than the politics of state. Check out Britney's ass below and you tell me what you're more interested in.

I pointed out to my punky friend that there are oh so many more real and alleged evils in the world he forgot to rail against. Here is a listing below (feel free to add your own!):

movies, modern music, pop culture, war culture, the sixties, degenerate youths, video games, uptight yellow-bellied sons-of-tricky-Dicky, Sith warriors, illegal drugs, legal drugs, bad parents, bad schools, bad breath, mislabeling, no labeling, Twinkies, hidden gay cartoon characters (how did we ever win WWII with that cross-dressing Bugs??), big business, small business, busybodies, nobodies, communists, capitalists, sexists, racists, horny haters, horny players, horny priests, enemies of the state, radicals, moderates, pantheists and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World!

Living in the Corner of Your Eye

"Under the clear skies and gleaming sun of a summer day my sorrow was as the rain.
My Quixotic sword slaying my own life.
To teach the world a lesson?
I entered all my battles in pretense, and in so doing, I lost them all. "
-Haiku Monk
For whatever reason, I must be free of all things to have peace. At times I can recede into nature or hide in an alley you don't dare enter or like tonight I can wander in the cold when others ensconce themselves indoors. It's only in these fleeting moments the turmoil ceases. Yet were I to have the world at my feet, it would still be only in these moments I could find refuge.

Rarely am I noticed. I like to live around the edges of things. Certain spots of people and smells and activity draw me in like a moth. My anonymity allows me a vicarious thrill of worlds I cannot enter. Even if I were rich, I still could not enter such places. I would throw up a facade and bide my time until I could free myself once more. Put me in the best car, the nicest home and with the prettiest people and I will still struggle to get away.

I'll never forget the one time I got recognized. Years ago when I was a courier to nursing homes, a nurse looked into me. When you're a courier, you're a nobody by default. So my guard was down, I was relaxed and was ready to make my delivery but when I walked into the room, the nurse's eyes drilled straight into mine and I could see the question I most fear forming in her eyes: "Who are you??" I remember that jolt of fear. I averted my eyes and ducked out as quickly as I could.

I belong both everywhere and nowhere. So where is the place for me? A kind gesture to a homeless man could be a moment he remembers a lifetime. I'm sorry for all the grief I've brought to this world. I am beneath you all. The most "horrible" person in the world I crave to be my friend. But it seems I only make friends to my lies, never me.

News of the Day!

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Flash! Harry Homeless gives his take on the news of the day. Let us listen in once more as the great man speaks:

I usually don't refer to specific news events in my blog unless it's used to make a larger point or support a point a view. But it also gives insight into a person to see their reaction to current events and the purpose of this blog is not only to document my death but to paint a portrait of myself. Outside of the overall issue of the world dying, the most pressing immediate concern is our involvement in Iraq.

My voice was against the war from the start. I was told I was being unrealistic to promote peace, that I was putting my head in the sand. And I truly felt the pressure to support war. I came off as the mamby-pamby liberal out of touch with the real world. "Sometimes you just gotta fight wars!" I was told, like they were educating me or something. Please. I'm way ahead of you guys. Thinking war is an option is like thinking stupid is an option. You can choose it for a while but in the end you end up worse than when you started.


So now we are fucked - which is why a large segment of people have backed off on their support. If we were "winning", I bet 60-65% of us would support this insanity. But wrong is wrong. No matter what the outcome, we were wrong to invade. It's painful to admit an error and most of us are still fearful to call war wrong. But history is already vindicating those who opposed the war. Don't bend with the wind.

I saw on one of those talking head shows where the host said our President is a good guy who was just naive and got talked into to this war by the war hawks around him. For that statement alone he should be fired. The President has been the Pied Piper of this from the beginning, sending out his song of seduction to whomever would listen. It's been his wet dream from day one and he merely surrounded himself with like-minded souls.


"Stupidity is the one crime that never goes unpunished"
- Agatha Christie
It's (been) time to pull out all the troops. Even among my fellow anti-war friends, I still hear how "unrealistic" I am. "No, we can't do that!" Uh, yeah we can. Yes, we broke Iraq, but it doesn't necessarily follow that we can fix it. Yes, things will be bad - that's the price you pay for fucking up. It's like lynching the wrong man. You just have to learn to live with it, there's no "righting" it.

The President (whose name you'll never see in my blog) is cornered. He has to stay the course! Put yourself in his shoes. If this is not a holy mission, if this is not the right thing to have done, if all this has been a lie - then the death and maiming of our service men, the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians' deaths and the destabilization of the world has to be one of the great crimes in history. All those who support this war are complicit.


Nobody wants to hear about a criminal President. Life is hard enough as it is without having to bail his sorry ass out. But here's where the argument of putting your head in the sand is true. Things will get worse if we don't fully admit the truth of what happened. And life will be hell if we don't turn our backs on war - not if we turn our backs on peace.

The Good Wife Confesses

The Good Wife was lauded by all. Never did she complain. Never did she fail to do what was expected. Never did she betray her vows. But always she protected her image, her god. But the prisoner was breaking out.

She married the wrong man. The meaning of this she had fought for years. "ANY marriage is good." "Vows make you holy. Break them and lose your holiness." "I'm only useful as a wife." But the lies washed away her good feelings like the house built on sand. She found herself defending her own death. Did she want to die?

Religion had always been her hiding place; a place where holiness could be earned outside her conscience. So she went for a priestly confession, hoping once more her secret fears would be allied. Being a prisoner was hell. The idea of being trapped, intolerable. No way out. Was this behind her looming dread of a death by drowning?

"Father, I fear the truth. I've had no sex outside my marriage, but I feel like a whore for I have relations with a man I do not love. I love what he brings me, but I do not love him. Is that not close enough?

"I ache to be useful but I am only used. I see now I shall forever be useless if I stay with the wrong man. It empties me out and leaves me dry. I am nothing more than a slave, an object. I find myself doing the same crime to my children. My labors are pointless and meaningless. Does God value my labors in keeping my marriage?

"They say I'm a Good Wife. That I do my duty. But I did not. I was selfish and married too young, before I knew who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. Now it rots my soul. I am deathly terrified to speak what I feel. I punished myself for my silence but that did no help. I'm hopelessly weak and cannot leave. There was once a boy who called me beautiful truly and I think of him often. But if I do not act on this, I am still faithful, right?"

The Father was disgusted. "The answer to all your questions is: No. No - to love a man for his possessions is to prostitute yourself. No - your efforts are wasted if they have no meaning to you. And, no - you are not a good wife. You took the institution of marriage and perverted it. And then you took pride in that. You should fear the truth!"

The eyes of the cornered rat darted to and fro. This was not the absolution she'd hoped for. Priests aren't supposed to share their honest feelings! Of all the luck to find one who was not dishonest. The cornered rat saw no choice. "Yeah, well, fuck you too. If you think I'm giving up a $200,000 house and my kids just to go work some crap job and scrape by as a divorced woman, you're out of your gord! I don't need a soul that bad!"

(Years later, when her boy came of age, he could stand the lies of his useless life no more and ended it with a gun. Her image god now shattered, the Good Wife's life spiraled out of control and burned to the ground. She punished herself with a bullet; a six shooter for a savior.)

The Modern Jew

Liberal, liberal;
We hate you!
Liberal, liberal;
The modern Jew!
You know, I got invited to that Iranian Holocaust Denial film festival thing. But I told them that Iran doesn't exist.

(And we've got a President who doesn't believe Iraq exists)