Day Of The Twinkie

One cake to rule them all, one cake to find them.
One cake to bring them all, and in the fatness bind them.

My roommate (long story, not my choice) burst through the front door with two large grocery bags grinning from ear to ear (both him and the bags). I just knew he was going to say something moronic.

"Hey, Harry, did you hear the news?? I loaded us up on Twinkies big time!"

For the love of God, kill me now. There's no possible good explanation for this. A breathless report ensued regardless.

"The results are in! Twinkies got, like, total majority vote. They are now totally healthy!"

"That's a strange way to tell me you love me when your stupid is all I can see."

His sour face registered his displeasure. "You just want to ruin everything! That's all you ever want to do. Who would love your dumb ass anyway?" Then he thought some more: "Damn, I hate you!"

Continuing with the song lyric, I dryly replied: "If you just want to cry to somebody, don't cry to me."

Larry stormed off to the kitchen. I could hear him slamming the Twinkies into the cabinets. I was in a mood, though.

"This is where the flute solo comes in!" I yelled loud enough for him to hear. I knew that'd only confuse him further but he'd repress any response to deny me 'satisfaction'. Of course, knowing that only satisfied me all the more.

Larry was mercifully quiet when returning to the room, anxious to not acknowledge my presence. I wondered if there were a way to make this permanent.

He grabbed the remote, turning on "Big Bertha", a show he knew is worse the fingernails on a chalkboard to me. For some reason I decided to sit there and wait it out; two stubborn losers mired in economic bondage.

When I saw him squirming, barely able to watch, I knew I'd made the right decision. I could only imagine the conversation going on in that head!

Then Larry the volcano erupted, his head swiveling towards me in exorcist fury.

"You just have to be right about everything, don't you? You're right and everyone else is wrong!"

Beautiful part was I hadn't even made a contrary argument yet to his Twinkies health food conviction. His argument was with his own self-doubt.

"What can I say?" I smirked. "I was born this way."

The Lady Gaga reference worked twofold as it continued my musical references and and I also knew Larry proudly considered himself a monster Gaga fan.

"It was voted on," he emphasized, as if to rally untold millions to his side.

Given his conservative nature I simply decided to acquire his goat.

"You're a religious guy, Larry. Tell me, did Jesus get boners?"

"I'll show you!" Larry stormed off the couch and back into the kitchen. His rather ambiguous reply did leave me a bit bothered, actually. I mean, just what exactly is he going to show me??

Unaware of my runaway imagination, Larry triumphantly returns to obviously sit back down on the couch only this time with an armful of Twinkies which he conspicuously begins to unwrap and devour as loudly as possible.

"Fwom now on, dis all I eatin'," he declared while chewing nonstop like an angry cow.

"You cast your vote. Nature cast Her vote. We'll see who wins."

"Dat right! Dat right! You fin'ly seein' da light!"

The Times They Aren't A-Changin'

It was an unexpectedly good feeling I had, just swinging my legs and looking at the stars in space. This kind of enjoyment doesn't happen very often. So I sat for a while and wondered why life isn't like this more.

Then some thing happened.

A Doubt slithered in. There was no good reason or basis or cause for it whatsoever. My instinct was to ignore it and go on swinging. Faith begets faith.

Instead, I looked down - perhaps to make sure my frolicking legs wouldn't hit anything - and I saw nothingness. They dangled into a blackness too deep for the human mind to comprehend. That's when I realized I'm sitting on the edge of the universe.

I looked behind me to slowly start backing away and saw a mystical girl standing there smiling at me - I assumed it was a smile of pity. I scooted backwards until I could safely get on my feet without danger of falling off.

I felt a need to explain and/or apologize for my reckless behavior to the observing girl. "Pretty crazy being on the edge like that." Her smile remained the same. "I, uh, actually have no idea how I got myself in that position."

I cringed the minute I saw her mouth open in what I was sure to be a painful rebuke, when she simply said:

"Innocence."

********************

When Sunshine Suzy disappeared into the countryside she always went someplace magical. I never dared ask to go with her. Perhaps because I didn't feel magical enough myself but also because I felt she went to a place only she can go. I was just grateful to have the privilege of speaking to her of her adventures and thrilled in her stories.

"Suzy! Where you been this time?"

"Catching rainbows!"

"Great! How many ya got now?"

"Ninety-nine."

"Impressive! What are you going to do with all those rainbows?"

"When I get to a hundred I'm going to release them all at once."

"Sounds awesome but what's the point of releasing them?"

"So everyone can see! As a reminder."

"Reminder to what?"

"That it can be done."

"Then they already know?"

"Sure, but that's not how they act. Why does a thirsty man refuse water?"

"Do you really think your reminder will help? Many might find it painful."

"Rainbows do not bring pain."

"True, but people won't like being reminded of what they're cheating themselves out of."

"I do know one person who will like it, pain or no pain."

"Oh, who's that??"

"Me."

********************

"Dang, Elroy, yoo nose what I ben missin?"

"No, wat dat be, Leroy?"

"Linchins!"

"Dagnabbit, yoo got that rite!!"

"Them wuz good timez. Hole town yuse ta git tegethers, a good familee eevent."

"Is them peeple that ruinz itall - thats dere name?"

"Woak! Woak peeple taring this hear good cuntry in too!"

"Wat's in tarnation rong wit thems?? Thinks theyse better'n us when reely it us dat better'n!"

"Aint nuthin' thay woant ruinz! Econumicals an' everythin'."

"Gots dat rite! I give's me monee to da rich man liken good Merican sposte ta!"

"Exacataly! Iz war on us Kristins iz wat it iz."

"Peeps dat duz rite allwaze ben pursacutabled!"

"Wat dat Rushya guy, Putins? Him doins rite! Killin's all day jues, nigers, and faggits."

"Now datz a goods Kristin, for ya! Iffen weeze jess gits evree onez liken us hole world be saived!"

"Prays da Lord! Dat dere sum good ol fashunt commin scents!"

"Darnn shaim it iz. Weeze yused ta nose better'n, butt knot nose moore..."

********************

"Poor, Harry, always down in the mouth. never gets what he wants."

"Tell me about it!" I concurred with my accuser.

"Tell us, Harry, why can't you have what you want? Enquiring minds want to know!"

"Love the English spelling there, but, no, I can have what I want."

"Then why don't ya, ya idiot!"

"Because I don't believe I can have what I want."

"A non-believer, eh? Well, try this on for size and try believing."

"Well, when I do believe I can have I want I can no longer have it."

"That can't be!"

"A non-believer, eh?"