"Under the clear skies and gleaming sun of a summer day my sorrow was as the rain.
My Quixotic sword slaying my own life.
To teach the world a lesson?
I entered all my battles in pretense, and in so doing, I lost them all. "
-Haiku Monk 
For whatever reason, I must be free of all things to have peace. At times I can recede into nature or hide in an alley you don't dare enter or like tonight I can wander in the cold when others ensconce themselves indoors. It's only in these fleeting moments the turmoil ceases. Yet were I to have the world at my feet, it would still be only in these moments I could find refuge.
Rarely am I noticed. I like to live around the edges of things. Certain spots of people and smells and activity draw me in like a moth. My anonymity allows me a vicarious thrill of worlds I cannot enter. Even if I were rich, I still could not enter such places. I would throw up a facade and bide my time until I could free myself once more. Put me in the best car, the nicest home and with the prettiest people and I will still struggle to get away.
I'll never forget the one time I got recognized. Years ago when I was a courier to nursing homes, a nurse looked into me. When you're a courier, you're a nobody by default. So my guard was down, I was relaxed and was ready to make my delivery but when I walked into the room, the nurse's eyes drilled straight into mine and I could see the question I most fear forming in her eyes: "Who are you??" I remember that jolt of fear. I averted my eyes and ducked out as quickly as I could.
I belong both everywhere and nowhere. So where is the place for me? A kind gesture to a homeless man could be a moment he remembers a lifetime. I'm sorry for all the grief I've brought to this world. I am beneath you all. The most "horrible" person in the world I crave to be my friend. But it seems I only make friends to my lies, never me. 
2 comments:
Great post. I think you and I may have come to similiar conclusions entering 2007.
I think so too. A lot of people are critical of this war but there are two distinct camps: those who oppose it and those who oppose its prosecution.
It's the next two years I fear. I have a bad feeling. A feeling so bad I don't dare formulate it in my head. All I know is desperate people do desperate things. And our prez is getting more desperate every day.
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