What Is Folly?

"how can i go forward when i
don't know
which way i'm facing?
how can i go forward when i
don't know which way to turn?
how can i go forward into
something i'm not sure of?
oh no, oh no."
- John Lennon

I know what I feel. I know what I think. Life has been over for me for a long, long time. And the longer you stick around after your life is over, the more absurd it becomes. Since no one knows me or who I am (excepting possibly Debby), then I'm just another lost face in the crowd. If Steven Spielberg were a janitor, only he would know his crime of having deprived the world of his true gifts. He couldn't confess it if he wanted to, passed over as just another dilettante.

This is why I always try to scratch the surface of my fellow day laborers. On occasion you find some truly interesting people. Some are just "passing through" as homeless and you see they are on their way back into a life. Rarely do you find another lifer like me that's still functional. There are those who can only survive by breathing the free air. I too need the free air but I don't know if I'd still be here if I were not also the emotional cripple I am.

In the position where I am now, is it mere folly to hope for anything? You have to be realistic and realize the damage done. You can't be expecting to run when both legs are broken. Some call it "bad attitude" when I say I can't run but it's merely a statement of fact. Maybe they're thinking I'm saying I can never run. Maybe they're right.

I can honestly see no point to my life if I can't share my feelings. I do believe all things are possible with love, but is it possible for me to love? In no form or fashion do I deserve Debby but only with her do things make sense. Yet if I were to come up to her now, she would rip my throat out - with extreme prejudice. I've turned my soul mate into my most dangerous enemy. I think that says a lot about the twisted path I have taken.

So I ask myself, why write? Why get up, why endure the daily tears? I feel that just by blogging I am somehow implying I think I have a future. I feel no such thing. In my position - in my condition - what is asking too much? I'm at the bottom of a well and my legs have broken. Here in the dark I document my humiliating death. How do I tell true hope from what's just in my head? How do I know if I'm just wasting time...

"how can i have feeling when i
don't know
if it's a feeling?
how can i feel something if i
just don't know how to feel?
how can i have feelings when
my feelings have always
been denied?
oh no, oh no."