Crashing The (Tech CEO) Pearly Gates

St. Peter pounded on the terminal at his podium at the Pearly Gates. "Thank God I'm in Heaven where pounding on stuff actually makes things work." Then a newly arrived voice spoke to him.

"Dude! You need an upgrade - and I'm just the guy to do it."

"There is no upgrade to Heaven. This is the best and final version. It's you I ask: Are you saved?"

"You bet I am! Ain't nothing that can be pinned to me." 

"But I see here on your record billions in currency was lost due to your deceptive practices.  Environmental damage around the world. And various other ways you acted against the very users you were supposed to be supporting."

"Yes, but people got to share their photos! Nonetheless, I'm saved no matter what." 

"How so?"

"It's right there in our Terms Of Service. I'm allowed to do all those things and get away with it scot-free."

The tech CEO grinned in complete confidence, waiting to have his cake and eat it too. St. Peter looked confused.

"I'm sorry, bro. We have Our own Terms Of Service here." 

"What! You just can't force your own terms on people however you want! That's an outrage!"

"It's Our way or the highway. Do you insist on writing your own Terms Of Service?"

"Damn straight, I do! I'm not staying anyplace where I don't get to write the rules. Let that be a lesson to you."

"As you wish," remarked Peter as he yanked the lever for the trap door to Hell.

 

 

Another Seal Broken

Things have taken a turn for the worse. Five years ago I had a Get-Out-Of-Hell-Free card and was scared to use it. I knew not what I did.

These last five years have turned my hair white with woe and misery. Losing KT tortures me daily. The job rut has buried me alive.  But it was only recently I found out none of this had to be, that the card was real.

Retirement, KT, a chance to be free. Gone forever. How can I forgive myself - especially on top of the other chances I ran away from?

God has taken revenge.

Not everything has an answer. Don't wander into the desert alone. 

Threads: Sloth Banter

The molten sloth drags its rotted leg down the city night street in a trail of hideous neon.

It speaks of last night because "there is no tonight."

Accusing eyes spy the creature wondering how it got that way.

"Bad decisions!" it spins back. "YOUR bad decisions."

Shadows look for a savior to sacrifice under the Razor Moon.

Bored children wait for movie version of life.

"I don't banter with sloths," she fraughtly decays. "My vanity is truth."

"I must breathe, after all," sighs the sloth. 

Threads: Who's Rightly Wrong?

“The only consequence of trying to be a good person is a guilty conscience.”

 

That’s true if you stop trying. It would be more accurate to say it’s the first consequence. Then, as you reverse the perverse, you find something.

But what is a good person?

A capitalist says it’s someone who has money. Religion says it’s someone who follows rituals. But most people would say it’s those who do not upset their lies of being good.

 

In other words, most folks didn’t think Jesus was a good person.

 

 

Threads: I Saw Her Standing There

Behind the register stood a slightly lumpy girl whom in the eyes of the world was unremarkable. Her name was Sarah Conner and she's been targeted for termination.

The terminator in this case is private equity, chewing up lives and scarring the planet to benefit the few at the expense of the many.

The girl had been stripped of all paid vacation - even Christmas. We allow this and other horrors because we claim "there's no other way."

In other news, I had a dream where Emily finally forgave me.

 

 

Threads: Left Behind

Like a comedian who focuses on the one guy in the room not laughing, the Bully Billionaire was obsessed with a lone detractor.

His life hung by the thread of one person's disagreement. In Bully's mind, without universal praise he was DOA.

He threatened, cajoled, bribed, and used every political argument in the book. The billionaire gloated how his arguments won in the polls.

The billionaire had acquired all the trademarks of simulated success. He had everything - but a future. And he knew it.

Threads: If 666 were 999

Standing on a corner in paradise holding my homeless sign plea for help, a soul I both knew and despised pulled up in his BMW identity ring complaining, "The fast lane isn't as fast as it used to be."

"And never will be again. It's the end of the world as you know it."

He said he'd solve this by getting an AI dream chip to replace the dreams he'd lost.

I sighed. "Now you'll know what songs driver-less trucks play going down the road."

He paused. "Beauty School Dropout is an underrated song."

Threads: Night Scenes

Blonde in blue, she followed the protocols of pretty to a T, fitting in but yet not feeling in. On the trip to the night club, the lights outside the car were aflame, marking her journey for the world to see.

I must not be me! Never to be seen!

 

She entered the club under chattering cover fire of friends, finding a sniper's retreat, hoping her frown go unnoticed.

 

Outside, across the cold street from the club, a lost soul had watched Blonde In Blue enter and dreamed dare speak to the goddess.

 

After the club, when she got home and took the makeup off, sitting in front of her mirror, she got a good look at herself and declared, "Men suck!" 

Threads: Emptying Head

I see the beauty 
I wish to be part of the beauty 
But beautiful I am not 
-Salieri

There is no President 
just a con-time resident; 
There is no holy Pope 
just a purple-robed dope; 
There is no royalty 
just the rich-world's loyalty

 

The illusion is a collusion 
of a world refusin' 
to admit it's usin' 
without defusin' 
or reaching conclusion

 

Dueling the straw man windmill 
He kept fighting until 
Duly forced to sit still 
Questioning his force of will

"Look on this world, ye Mighty, and despair!"

 

Threads: Wastoid

The gnawing fear had gnawed too far. She knew she must face the Council Of Truth in futile defense.

"I have it all! My life is a success! Marriage, morality, and money! Why should any fear enter my soul?

 

"What are you saying? I can't have WHAT I want unless I DO what I want? NO ONE does what they want! Why must we always reap just what we sow? Is God so ruthless?"

 

At this point she knew she could not stop the oncoming vacuity invading her life. She had protected her lies - not her life.

Threads: Last Night's News

Been drinking for three days. Not binging, just steady. I don't intend to keep drinking.

I don't intend to stop.

We protested the future's present. Cops rushed us, we held up mirrors. Seeing what we see they ran away, caught lying to God. Nothing came of it yet again.

Mirrors were my idea I stole, a prophet I be.

I told her like Gandhi: 'There's no god higher than truth!' She spit in my face wreaking, "There's no god higher than Ruth!" I agreed and she sat on my face.

A prophet's profit,

 

 

 

Threads: The Innocence Crime

A car pulled up beside me on the interstate, matching my fast speed. But I saw some deep dips coming up so I slowed down. My rival did not.

He shot into the air, veered over to the opposing highway and flipped over. Naturally, he blamed me.

At trial, I proved I never touched his car and he wrecked of his own accord. But for some reason, my innocence scared me.

The jury rendered me guilty since I was innocent and blameless, that I should die for their sins and thus keep their world inverted.

 

 

Threads: Earth Jokes

My alien friend returned. "Why do you tear the pretty colors from your street?"

"Some people are afraid of the colors. They fear they might find themselves in them."

"Finding yourself is salvation! That's the whole point of this dimension."

"Oh, no! Not if you've already declared yourself to be saved."

"And what of this giant wall?"

"We try to wall out the consequences of sin by declaring others illegal."

"How can you call a human illegal?"

"Search me! Anything different we call alien." -

Threads: More Earth Jokes

My extra-terrestrial friend asked: "You built these cathedrals where you say you worship God?"

"Yes, a savior was sent two thousand years ago."

"But your planet is certainly not saved!"

"We put it to a vote and decided to murder him."

"So murder is OK?"

"It is if enough people agree to it."

"But once a consciousness enters the world it cannot be unknown."

"True, but we're trying anyway. Instead of saying he died because of our sins we say he died for our sins, and thus we're saved!"

 

Saw a panel discussion recently over a grave injustice that had happened. An audience member asked what can be done about it. A panel woman said, "Vote!" 

Threads: Ranger Texas Walker

  "Oh, my God! It's CHUCK NORRIS, like, Ranger Texas Walker in person!

"Dude, you remember that episode where you kicked that guy's ass? That was awesome. It's, like, my most favorite one!

"That guy been beating up on everyone else, but then you came along and showed him what's what. Was great!

"And in the end, ALL them bad guys was caught. The heel kicks of justice took them down. Thank God for martial arts! Without that the bad guys would win.

"Do you remember that episode? Was best one!"

Threads: Sardine Brain

 I'm sitting in a Zoom call listening to droning talk of data migration, and legacy assets, and then ... something else, I don't know, as my brain drifts sideways I see myself in Third Person, watching myself, hoping this act will hold as I slip downstream until the voices fade as an ancient Star shines anew whose pull I cannot resist and when I return I'm left to wonder if Third Person me was noticed to have left.

Later, I wander a mall in Purchase Envy vainly hoping to buy a stairway to Heaven

Threads: The Tides Of March

Can deception be good?

I dreaded the new school since at my last one I was the "last one picked". But I was in for a surprise!

From day one I was loved by everyone I met. At first, I protested when picked early but over time my confidence grew and did better than I ever thought I could. Then my mom shows up in her cleaning clothes.

"That's my mom, not my maid! What made you think I had a maid?"

"That first day, you was dropped off in a Rolls-Royce. We all just figured you was super rich."

 

We were in her boss's car. 

Threads: App Man Bum

Climbing To The Sun 
Leaves you feeling dumb

Always wanted to make it there 
But never was just quite; 
To her friends she flashed a smile 
To me she was polite.

 

Others entertain 
In precious pantomime; 
But nothing is more costly 
Than that of gifted time.

 

Yes, I seek refuge 
In the deepness of her eyes; 
But a Quixotic fellow 
Brings manufactured sighs.

If yours is not real life 
Then all you have is crap; 
Nothing really matters 
If you have to have an app.

Too distant is the sun 
When an app man bum

Threads: Sheriff Tubby

 Sheriff Tubby loved laying down the law - HIS law.

"Now, look here, boy, this is MY county. I been the law here 33 years and I don't tolerate any disobedience - civil or uncivil.

"Things done MY way 'round here as I see fit. You can take any dissent you got on down the road! Nobody steps out of line.

"People here like it this way. No troublemakers or agitators! Just me in control."

The listener responded with a sigh:

"And that's because in your mind it's the only way anyone can love you."

Threads: The Big Squeeze

 "God damn, I don't believe it."

I ran my fingers along the raised engraving of the wedding invitation. I can't believe she invited me.

What special form of torture is this? It's like inviting a homeless man to watch someone buy a Ferrari.

Of course, I'd been hurt if I hadn't been invited and had to listen to others in our circle planning to attend.

Does she know I have feelings for her? What am I to do with them? Is she just being polite?

Till then, just stand back in the shadows and mourn.

Threads: The Rage

Michael, a born artist, complained to his poor parents his need for paint as a "moral necessity." His mother replied: "Morality must be funded."

To think this would forever separate him from his purpose drove Michael into a rage.

 

He dedicated himself to getting the millions he needed. 40 years later his canvas was still blank. A friend asked him why so.

 

With wild black paint he struck: "Fuck You, World!"

 

His friend gave him $100 for it.

 

"You know, this is the most money I've ever had."

 

 

Threads: Rain Dear

When Change comes 
They run and hide their heads 
They might as well be dead 
When Change comes

When the sun shines 
They slip into the shade 
Change, I don't mind 
Shine, the weather's fine

The singer sang his song of truth but haters acted without ruth, hurling rocks of death.

But unlike before, the stones bounced back on the throwers with equal force (some kept on until killing themselves).

Rest went home and wondered the point of life when you can't kill what you hate and are forced to change.  

 

And that's how the morons will be purged among us.

Threads: Life With Conservatives

 I sat next to a man upon whom a piano was falling. From the grave I got this letter: "Why didn't you tell me, you fucker!"

So I did a rewind and told him so he said, "Goddam libtard pussy motherfucker telling me how to live!"

 

After his second death he asked to try again. This time he moved over - but was still bitter.

 

"Think you're better than everyone else, don't you, asshole! Life's unfair!"

 

"You're forgetting one thing: nothing stopping you from looking up to see it falling for yourself."

Threads: Irreligious

 Yes, it was me what killed the Hendersons back in the day.

They was always believing what a great kid I was. But they believed wrong! My parents said I was no good scum just like them and I figured they knew me best. Like the good book says: honor your mother and father!

 

It wasn't right the Hendersons thinking I was something I wasn't. So I crucified them both with my Home Depot cross kit so they could die for my sins and know what kind of rotten person I am. You got to have your integrity!

 

 

Threads: James Bond Morality Play

Nothing seems to be more of a lightning rod for morality than 007. We are obsessed with getting our guidance from Fleming's self-described "cardboard character." 

You can even buy whitewashed versions of the novels now! Fleming has been called a racist, misogynist, and a couple of other "ists". Do other books get such scrutiny? Do we hunt for racism in the LOTR series? 

But the lie is in thinking that knowing better and doing better are the same thing - just ask those in our concentration camps. 

 And the biggest irony is a real life Bond villain owns the character in a case of life imitating art. And all we do in reaction is breathlessly ask, "Who will be cast!" 

Threads: Don't Ask Me Why

 

So this alien came up to me saying it's his first time on Earth and asked if it's true we poison our land, air, and water. I said, "Yes" and he said, "Why?" 

Of course, there is no real answer to that but I told him it's because we believe there's no other way. 

"Why?" 

He kept naming different scenarios such as, why do people starve when we we're able to feed everyone? Why are there both homeless and empty abodes?

Why indeed? And that's when the fiction of numbers started to lose its meaning.