Threads: It Sucks To Be Ye

Outraged by the poisoning of the world, God began a revenge tour in full god-mode: a machine gun with unlimited ammo.

 

"We tried to save the world. This isn't fair!" protested self-professed environmentalists.

 

"Goddamn right, it isn't fair!" replied God, mowing them down.

 

A group of macro-economists explained, "There's no other way for Mankind to live!" - last words they ever spoke.

 

Bullets pierced every guilt barrier, unstoppable and indiscriminate.

 

"I make the rules! It's good to be God!"

Threads: Everyone's A Critic

Siskel and Ebert did it right. Their stated goal was for you to determine if you wanted to see a movie based on their criticism - not to agree with their views. They did this by making their views their own.

I've lost all respect for professional film critics at this point. Reviews of "The Force Awakens" were absurd, based on fear of not being a part of the crowd. That film was a work of hate. Hatred for Star Wars (in the name of nostalgia!), filmmaking, and most of all, the audience itself.

 

But people often watch films with a political agenda. The Supergirl threads here are hilarious. "The ONLY reason someone can dislike this film is because they are a misogynist incel!"

 

Some people base their opinion on what a film *intends* to be as opposed to what it actually is. Pick a lofty goal for your film and there will be those who praise it regardless of how poorly it's done!

 

Many people watch a film just for its production values; they want a roller coaster ride like Jurrasic Park.

 

Threads: More Monday Mourning

"I *HATE* THIS SHIT! I FUCKING HATE IT! I'M SO *SICK* OF THIS!"

Tess, the new girl in the office, was startled by the outburst. But no one else seemed bothered.

 

"What's going on?" she whispered.

"That's just Feldberg logging in."

 

"NO ONE TOUCH ME! NO ONE TALK TO ME! OR I'LL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!"

 

"Oh, my! Is it like this every time?"

 

"Sometimes it's worse. You should see it when he has to change his password."

 

"I'm scared! Is he going to be OK?"

 

"Why should he be? No one else is."

 

Threads: Know It Alls

 

Silly Sam had no use for me. "You saying it can't be done means nothing. Are you a scientist??"

"Are you? You can't put that square peg in a round hole!"

 

"I have a dream! My therapist said not to listen to you!"

 

"Newton said two objects can't occupy the same space."

 

"Newton was a Bible-thumping virgin! I'm a realist!"

 

That was 25 years ago. Now Sam is vainly bitter yet still pursuing the glory of the impossible - and still has no use for me.

 

"You keep thinking you know what you do not!"

 

NOTE:Yes, I know Newton did not say that quote but conversations with Sam were always political, i.e. fact free. 

Threads: The Odyssey

 

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I said, "A mean drunk." I'd read Johnny Carson was a mean drunk and I always loved his show.

 

His marriages kept failing and I figured that's something I could do to. Turns out I was right.

 

Napoleon famously failed with Josephine, declaring, "Power is my mistress." Doesn't sound like much of a bed mate, though.

 

Steve Jobs never resolved his personal life, either. He wanted a microchip for a heart.

 

In my odyssey, I never make it home and die alone. 

Threads: Stinky Pete's Demise

 
As Fleming noted, a predictable routine can be fatal for a spy. It's also true for mafia capos like me.

 

But I have a routine I never miss: a biweekly haircut.

 

The trick? I have cameras posted nearby I check before arriving. That's when I spotted two button men.

 

So when I "suddenly" whipped a U headed to my last barber visit, I could almost hear the panic. "He knows!"

 

They figured I got tipped on the way there, betrayed from within. Two days later, Stinky Pete was found dead in Johnson Creek.

Threads: The Shank Job

Strolling down a lonely road I spot God walking towards me. With shiv in hand, I shank Him right in the belly, whispering, "That's what You get for making me."

"Me dammit!" He exclaims. "I'm not doing anything wrong but *I* have to pay the price for others' sins. 

 

This has to stop or no one will be left alive!"

 

"You may not be interested in politics but politics is interested in You," I drolly reply.

 

"This is so frustrating! I have to be free to live my life!"

 

"Welcome to the party, Pal."