Threads: Earth Jokes

My alien friend returned. "Why do you tear the pretty colors from your street?"

"Some people are afraid of the colors. They fear they might find themselves in them."

"Finding yourself is salvation! That's the whole point of this dimension."

"Oh, no! Not if you've already declared yourself to be saved."

"And what of this giant wall?"

"We try to wall out the consequences of sin by declaring others illegal."

"How can you call a human illegal?"

"Search me! Anything different we call alien." -

Threads: More Earth Jokes

My extra-terrestrial friend asked: "You built these cathedrals where you say you worship God?"

"Yes, a savior was sent two thousand years ago."

"But your planet is certainly not saved!"

"We put it to a vote and decided to murder him."

"So murder is OK?"

"It is if enough people agree to it."

"But once a consciousness enters the world it cannot be unknown."

"True, but we're trying anyway. Instead of saying he died because of our sins we say he died for our sins, and thus we're saved!"

 

Saw a panel discussion recently over a grave injustice that had happened. An audience member asked what can be done about it. A panel woman said, "Vote!" 

Threads: Ranger Texas Walker

  "Oh, my God! It's CHUCK NORRIS, like, Ranger Texas Walker in person!

"Dude, you remember that episode where you kicked that guy's ass? That was awesome. It's, like, my most favorite one!

"That guy been beating up on everyone else, but then you came along and showed him what's what. Was great!

"And in the end, ALL them bad guys was caught. The heel kicks of justice took them down. Thank God for martial arts! Without that the bad guys would win.

"Do you remember that episode? Was best one!"

Threads: Sardine Brain

 I'm sitting in a Zoom call listening to droning talk of data migration, and legacy assets, and then ... something else, I don't know, as my brain drifts sideways I see myself in Third Person, watching myself, hoping this act will hold as I slip downstream until the voices fade as an ancient Star shines anew whose pull I cannot resist and when I return I'm left to wonder if Third Person me was noticed to have left.

Later, I wander a mall in Purchase Envy vainly hoping to buy a stairway to Heaven

Threads: The Tides Of March

Can deception be good?

I dreaded the new school since at my last one I was the "last one picked". But I was in for a surprise!

From day one I was loved by everyone I met. At first, I protested when picked early but over time my confidence grew and did better than I ever thought I could. Then my mom shows up in her cleaning clothes.

"That's my mom, not my maid! What made you think I had a maid?"

"That first day, you was dropped off in a Rolls-Royce. We all just figured you was super rich."

 

We were in her boss's car. 

Threads: App Man Bum

Climbing To The Sun 
Leaves you feeling dumb

Always wanted to make it there 
But never was just quite; 
To her friends she flashed a smile 
To me she was polite.

 

Others entertain 
In precious pantomime; 
But nothing is more costly 
Than that of gifted time.

 

Yes, I seek refuge 
In the deepness of her eyes; 
But a Quixotic fellow 
Brings manufactured sighs.

If yours is not real life 
Then all you have is crap; 
Nothing really matters 
If you have to have an app.

Too distant is the sun 
When an app man bum

Threads: Sheriff Tubby

 Sheriff Tubby loved laying down the law - HIS law.

"Now, look here, boy, this is MY county. I been the law here 33 years and I don't tolerate any disobedience - civil or uncivil.

"Things done MY way 'round here as I see fit. You can take any dissent you got on down the road! Nobody steps out of line.

"People here like it this way. No troublemakers or agitators! Just me in control."

The listener responded with a sigh:

"And that's because in your mind it's the only way anyone can love you."

Threads: The Big Squeeze

 "God damn, I don't believe it."

I ran my fingers along the raised engraving of the wedding invitation. I can't believe she invited me.

What special form of torture is this? It's like inviting a homeless man to watch someone buy a Ferrari.

Of course, I'd been hurt if I hadn't been invited and had to listen to others in our circle planning to attend.

Does she know I have feelings for her? What am I to do with them? Is she just being polite?

Till then, just stand back in the shadows and mourn.

Threads: The Rage

Michael, a born artist, complained to his poor parents his need for paint as a "moral necessity." His mother replied: "Morality must be funded."

To think this would forever separate him from his purpose drove Michael into a rage.

 

He dedicated himself to getting the millions he needed. 40 years later his canvas was still blank. A friend asked him why so.

 

With wild black paint he struck: "Fuck You, World!"

 

His friend gave him $100 for it.

 

"You know, this is the most money I've ever had."

 

 

Threads: Rain Dear

When Change comes 
They run and hide their heads 
They might as well be dead 
When Change comes

When the sun shines 
They slip into the shade 
Change, I don't mind 
Shine, the weather's fine

The singer sang his song of truth but haters acted without ruth, hurling rocks of death.

But unlike before, the stones bounced back on the throwers with equal force (some kept on until killing themselves).

Rest went home and wondered the point of life when you can't kill what you hate and are forced to change.  

 

And that's how the morons will be purged among us.

Threads: Life With Conservatives

 I sat next to a man upon whom a piano was falling. From the grave I got this letter: "Why didn't you tell me, you fucker!"

So I did a rewind and told him so he said, "Goddam libtard pussy motherfucker telling me how to live!"

 

After his second death he asked to try again. This time he moved over - but was still bitter.

 

"Think you're better than everyone else, don't you, asshole! Life's unfair!"

 

"You're forgetting one thing: nothing stopping you from looking up to see it falling for yourself."

Threads: Irreligious

 Yes, it was me what killed the Hendersons back in the day.

They was always believing what a great kid I was. But they believed wrong! My parents said I was no good scum just like them and I figured they knew me best. Like the good book says: honor your mother and father!

 

It wasn't right the Hendersons thinking I was something I wasn't. So I crucified them both with my Home Depot cross kit so they could die for my sins and know what kind of rotten person I am. You got to have your integrity!

 

 

Threads: James Bond Morality Play

Nothing seems to be more of a lightning rod for morality than 007. We are obsessed with getting our guidance from Fleming's self-described "cardboard character." 

You can even buy whitewashed versions of the novels now! Fleming has been called a racist, misogynist, and a couple of other "ists". Do other books get such scrutiny? Do we hunt for racism in the LOTR series? 

But the lie is in thinking that knowing better and doing better are the same thing - just ask those in our concentration camps. 

 And the biggest irony is a real life Bond villain owns the character in a case of life imitating art. And all we do in reaction is breathlessly ask, "Who will be cast!"