The Chinese character for crisis is the same as the one used for opportunity. And if we in Texas are hellbent on raising stupidity to new heights, that can only mean good things for a smart boy like me. The trick is in knowing how to talk to my fellow
You know, sometimes in this state I feel like a gigolo in a nunnery of virgins: Honey, you may think you know what you want but you ain't foolin' this boy!
It wasn't difficult finding a member of the Texas intelligentsia at the recent tea and fart-sniffing rally here in Dallas and luckily I found him to be most representative of his ilk as the crowd around him hooted and hollered in encouragement of his replies:
Why do you need a country of your own?
It's a free-dumb of real-itchin' iz-shoe.
And in what way do you feel your religion is impinged?
Cuz I needs to be free ta worship me guns like I pleez! Rites now thay gots all sortsa crazee laws sayin's we cantz chutes nobuddy mosts timez sept maybe's win thay's blakkks or walkin in me front yard.
Oh, those are highly restrictive laws. Could you tell me what the tenets would be of your new religion once freedom is attained?
Tenents? Nah, I ain't rentin' nuttin ta no buddy. Butt I nose firs thing I gonna dew is makes it so we's can chute dem dam libberalls wot messin' evrythin up! Dat wot gunna make us grate in da whirld n keeps our razes pure.
So this utopia you wish to create will have no liberals, so as to keep your race pure. But just how are the evil liberals threatening you now?
Ewe-tow-pee-ya? Ain't dat sum plase n Kanzass? Dem libs gonna be da enema win we suseeds so I's doan care bout dem much. I jess nose dem liberralls makes me madder in a hornit win thay bee talkin's to me, yassir, I duz nose dat!
And just what are these godless liberals saying to you, sir?
Thay sayin all sorts vial crapp like homos is peeple like us n wee gots to eet vejjees we-uns hates n den thay goas a roun on thar hi horse sayins I sposte to think mor! Wells, I's thinks ewe's da devil ewe liberall devils! How bout dat fer thinkin!
Governor Goodhair takes a breakYou feel no environmental consternation on the global carbonization of our atmospheric patterns?
Doan bee hatin's on me wit werds like dat! Bigg werds is jess like bigg terds: thay stink and I doan wants to be no-wear neers 'em! Ewe soundz like won a dem iffy-lefty-wills. I's can all ways spots n enemee mine cuz thays makes me brane hert.
So is it true anyone who graduates sixth grade is not allowed to live in Texas?
What skool gots to dew wit runnin a combine and hatin's stuff? Dem over-edjamicated folks like dat we-uns deeports ta Aus'in.
Is not Austin part of Texas?
Nah, dey too dum to no better bout nuttin thar. Thays too dum to hates on any buddy! Thays gots kweers walkin down da streets in broad day lites no less! Dem aint Texans atall!
Leslie wants to join your tea partyCan you tell me what this new nation of Texas will be like?
Wells, firs offs, god likes hisself sum guns. Yassir, thats jess da fact. An taint nuttin west a fort werth gonna bee anythin but won bigggg chutin' gallreee! Yee hawwwww! N we's onlee gonna shows reel moovies like 'Member da Alamo' n 'Smokee n da Bandido' n on dem hi-brow nites we can shows 'Rodehouse', jess so's folks nose we gots sum re-fine-a-ree hear.
Just so you'll know, after we secede I'm planning on overthrowing the government and naming myself Shogun.
Show-gun? Dat won hellava post ewe got thar, boy! Yassir, I's on bored wit dat! 'Show-gun' - dang wish ide thot that up fer me fer shor!!
And to demonstrate how I want everyone to have a job, I'm going to name our Governor Goodhair as court jester because he says so many funny things.
I allways sez, evryone good gots to hav a job and I thinks thats mite kinds of ya. N I reelly duz likes me a funnee feller! Dat Boxcar Willee make me pee my pants rite down me legs!
Governor Goodhair has me peeing down mine as we speak. More importantly, though, I'm going to create a warrior class called samurai who'll keep law and order. They'll be able to chop a peasant’s head off without a moment's notice.
Sam Your-eye? New a feller name Sam once, him a good ol boy n could cach sum fish like ewe not beleeve! Ewe think yur San no mines?
Oh, without a doubt.
Well, ewes a smart feller after all! Yur Sam sound like won heckuva feller wot wit him killin feasents all da time. Taint no life atall when mens cant kill wot evry berd he seas! Yup, I thinks im'a gonna likes yur Sam Your-eye and won thin I can tell ya, cant no never haves two much poe-lees!
Oh, from what I can see of Texas, my samurai will be very, very busy chopping heads. But most of all, I'm just happy to provide you what it is you think you want!
Dats how dem-oxa-crazees sposte ta werk! Buy givins da peeples wot day wonts! Dem godless folks in Washy-tun taint gonna dew nuttin bout nuttin so is up ta we-uns to sets stuf strate! God I luvs Americas - n I's cant wates ta get aways from it!
Trust me, I will rule with an iron hand -Tree hugging will be mandatory
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Judge for yourself:
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They call me "Magic Man" at the Sisters of Divine Severity and Spankings convent.
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