Don't Be My Guilty Hero!

"Nobody loves you when you're down and out"- John Lennon

My life is fucked up and I'm hurting and I'm scared. The particulars are nobody's business but my own. I'm not expecting a dying planet to help me. On the other hand, I shouldn't be made to lie either. Many in a position of guilty privilege feel obligated to play the role of hero and to always provide The Answer. "I have an answer for all suffering" - these Guilty Heroes love this concept more than anything, it is their god and religion all rolled into one.

Like any addict, drinking from the cup of denial sets them "free" from responsibility and keeps them comfortably numb. But any part left unanaesthetized is left to fester and infect, making it unbearable to the touch - which is the price of their retaining any sense of reality. So it's in a state of constant warfare the Guilty Hero lives and his enemy is determined by any and all who utter any sort of unpleasant reality. Such words are like burning coals upon their forehead and they lash back in furious vengeance.

Though I'm sure there are more, I found three main types of Guilty Heroes. Lumbering under the weight of the eternal burden of always having an Answer To Your Woes, they often hiss and snap like a cornered animal. The beasts are most dangerous when no answer can be found and they have failed in their self-imposed duty. So like a lion tamer throwing red meat into the cage, I present my Heroes an Ugly Truth and back away quickly though I have asked for nothing more than the privilege of speaking frankly. These are the contorted reactions I get:

"I can't pay my rent."
The I-Hate-You-If-I-Can't-Be-Your-Hero Hero: "What the fuck do you want me to do about it? I got my own problems! I can't pay your rent for the rest of my goddam life! I work hard for my money! Everybody has to pull their own weight! Ain't no free rides out there. Don't come looking to me every time you have a problem! So STFU!"

The Faux Fixer Hero: "We're gonna lick this problem, I'm sure there are all sorts of people just dying to hire you! I've got some ads circled here and you better have an upbeat, positive attitude! Look at this: 'Landscapers needed to mow 2,000 acre ranch daily' - a little hard work never hurt anybody! And this one: 'DBA needed with SQL background, C++ and HTML skills' - now I know you're very smart 'cause you made your own web page and a smart guy like you can learn that other stuff in no time! Or this: 'High end steak house waiter' - those guys make tons of money and I know if you just put a happy face on that social disorder of yours you can do it too! So STFU!"

The Blamer Hero: "And whose fault is that? You can go around blaming the world the rest of your life but that's not going to change a damn thing! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start flying right! Paying rent is a very important thing to do and you can't hide from that responsibility. I'm sure you can solve any problem if you just put your mind to it! So STFU!"

In fact, oftentimes you can't say any declarative sentence to a Hero:

"I like chocolate ice cream."

"What am I supposed to do? Go out and buy you fucking ice cream every time you want some, asshole?"

"Let's go on the internet and make ourselves a list of every place that sells ice cream, we can call each one and find out if they sell chocolate, what price it is and calculate the distance to the store from where we are. OK, Mr. Cripple-Who-Can't-Help-Himself?"

"Who says you have to eat chocolate all the time? Have you even tried other flavors? I don't want to hear this 'I like chocolate' shit if you haven't tried all the other flavors too. Grow the hell up!"

One time while discussing the Iraqi situation with a Hero he said the Iraqi people should just rise up and take Saddam out. While that plan did not fix the Iraqi's problems, it sure as hell fixed the Hero's problems. Guilty Heroes feed themselves such lies all the time and they expect everyone to babysit their eggshell existence since every sip from the cup of denial only increases their bitterness. Well, pal, I got news for you too: I can't help you with that problem either.

This is not to say there aren't true heroes out there. You can spot them quite easily. They listen. And for that I thank them.