Weariness weighs on me like a stone yoke around my neck, sponging in my worries and gaining burden every day. I don't sit down anymore - I collapse. But in a world such as ours - even after dropping bone tired into a chair - do not expect succor, expect rather Fuckhead Fred to come over and kick you when you're down ("The best time, I say!") .
You see, my two tickets to paradise got canceled - as did Fuckhead Fred's - by the world at large but our reactions were polar opposites. Fred's solution was to become a whore to the system, for which then the system would obligingly provide health and wealth and happy endings for all. Freddy stuck with this idea even though he never got any tangible results from it. But in his mind he felt that any minute the powers-that-be would recognize his unswerving loyalty and snatch him from despair - or something like that. But me? When the world fucks me, I say burn the world down, leave no offending timber untouched.
Naturally, we were mortal enemies, each seeing the other as the destroyer of his hope. And, grudgingly, I had to admit we were also a lot alike: souls with no hope of love, miserable to the core. Like me, Freddy feared those with open hearts and kind dispositions but whenever he spotted my sorry ass, well, that's when he went in for the kill - like now as I lay half dead seemingly unable to fight back.
"Hey, Harry, look at poor Wilma over there lugging those heavy bags up into her cart. Makes me wonder why a big, strong guy like you doesn't help."
A brilliant attack on several fronts. First, I'm neither big or strong but Freddy boy would like nothing better than to draw me into an energy draining argument as to my attributes. His second point of attack was in tempting me to ignore my own pain - thus ensuring it - by involving me in Wilma's world of woe. One glance over to her and I'd be toast. And lastly was the blatant guilt trip of my sitting idly by while Wilma struggled - even pointing out Freddy himself did nothing would not help me ("But you're the one always saying help thy neighbor!")
Fuckhead Fred indeed. But I wasn't biting on any of it.
"Guess she'll just have to suck it up on her own. Helping her doesn't fit my agenda."
Freddy couldn't believe the red meat placed before him. "Dude, I thought your agenda was love and kisses and saving the world! What happened to that??" Fuckhead was oh so satisfied after that remark, mentally patting himself on the back and gloating on what had to be an obvious mistake on my part.
"Nope, I'm out to prove it's a dog-eat-dog world. If I start going around helping everyone it invalidates my thesis."
Freddy scrambled, thrown by my tact, attempting a last ditch attempt at blackmail. "OK, well, ya still gotta do good. You just can't let things go to hell."
What a priceless moment that was! Fuckhead Fred making my arguments for me! The look of unreality on his contorted face was hilarious, almost as if he could see the words coming out of his mouth and still not believe his eyes.
"Believe it, bitch!" - it startled Freddy to see me read his mind - "Helping people to survive only enables the dog-eat-dog system to perpetuate itself and I want it to die."
"So you would let people die just to prove some sort of bullshit agenda in your head? I think that's outrageous!"
I looked at the end of my string and what did I see but Fuckhead Fred the yo-yo, dancing to my every command. "You don't like it? Go blog about it - maybe you'll change the world!"
"I ain't doing shit, man. And you know what? I think you're full of shit! All this "social justice" crap is just phoney talk of yours cuz you got no money and got no woman. If you had that you wouldn't give a flying flip about anyone or anything. You're a total asshole fraud!"
"Well, don't kill yourself over it," I grinned, secretly hoping he would.
"Where's your Bible talk now? 'Love thy neighbor.' 'Don't bet against the words of Jesus.'"
Since he used my words against me, I used his words against him. "Oh, Jesus? He was a hack, what did he know?" And then I relaxed, placing my hands behind my head in an air of complete self-satisfaction.
Fraudulence is fun! I had Fuckhead Fred over there genuinely outraged at my blatant hypocrisy yet completely unable to do a damn thing about it. This is awesome! I bet this is how those Wall Street bankers feel; the whole world outraged, bitching and moaning, but they can never touch you. The world is all hypocrites too!
Frustrated Freddy was hopping mad at my unshakable blind faith in my self-exemption of wrongdoing. I silently laughed at his sulking figure helpless with thoughts of revenge. Guess my social musings over the years had burrowed under his skin deeper than I ever realized. The twit continued in childish ranting. "I'm never going to listen to another fucking thing you say ever again! Fuck you, dude! Con man motherfucker!"
But I merely closed my eyes in final dismissal. "Why so mad, Freddy? How am I stopping you from loving thy neighbor?"
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Social justice? Fuck that! I'm hot for teacher!!
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