Ya'll remember the Great Gazoo don't ya, space alien friend of the Flintstones? Gazoo returned to his home planet of Zetox after the series cancellation but upon hearing some "weird stories" about us decided to come back to check things out. Since only those who believe in him can see him I was the only person with whom he could talk and right away he starts peppering me with questions.
"Mad earthling! Why do you do the things you do!?"
"That's kind of a broad question there, Gazoo. I mean, I could give you some karmic theories and thoughts on man's desperate search for love and the price of illusion. Other than that, I'm fine, how are you?"
"You have no time for small talk! You have not even the slightest understanding of nature and how to survive! You are very far off course, more than you know!"
"Don't get all worked up, man. Don't they have any doobage in outer space? Jesus, dude, if I got to fly around in some kick ass spaceship and not have to hold down some godawful dead-end job I'd be pretty damn happy!" I proved my point by taking another bong hit and thanking the god of hydroponics.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about! I care more about this planet than you do! You must not destroy yourselves!"
"Fuck man, you wanna save the world, more power to ya! I'm right behind you!" Of course, way I felt then he could have said he was going to blow up the Panama Canal and I'd of said "more power" to that too.
"Excellent news! That's the spirit! Let's be on our way. I shall zap you into a fellow Zetoxite - "
"Oh, hey man, don't be injecting any of that crazy Hollywood junk in my face!"
"-and we'll get to the bottom of your wayward ways!"
That's when Gazoo pulled this ray gun out and turned me into an invisible, flying little green man too. Next thing I know we're over the Gulf of Mexico even though this miniature space fiend refuses to stop for a bag of Cheetos along the way. Are we the only planet that gets the munchies?
It's not like we made it unsafe on purpose. Oh, wait...
"Look! See! You poke holes in your planet to release toxins that pollute your water!"
"No, man, we use that oil to put in cars so we can release toxins into the air, not the water!"
"You call that a good thing?"
"Fucking A! My Maserati does 185!"
"Even if I did concede to such earthly madness, I know your hole poking could be done in a way where leaks like this won't happen."
Little man was starting to get on my nerves. Cotton mouth didn't help either. "Yeah, well, them dudes didn't want to spend the money on that shit. You know, you go worrying about all this shit it ain't good for your health."
"Money? Please explain that concept."
Aw, shit. I so don't need this. So I said, "Aw, shit. I so don't need this."
"You must explain to re-attain your human form!"
Everybody wants to run my damn life! "Money, you know, moolah, cash, dinero. It's how we buy shit so we can live."
"Explain how it's more important than your air, land and water. I'm not seeing how that could be!"
"It just is, man, Nobody thinks about it. It's just the way things gotta be. Even Commies got money. It's just like getting laid, you gotta do it whether you like it or not." Gazoo just floats in the sky with a puzzled look, then starts laughing his green ass off. "You think that's funny?"
"Yes, you very funny! Please give this space alien a break and tell the truth of money concept."
"Dude, I did!" I snapped. Not my fault his dumb ass don't get it. And I'm getting tired of looking at these oily birds.
Gazoo stopped laughing. "Can you show me the money?"
"If I had money I really would have a Maserati, live in a high rise condo and wouldn't waste my time jacking off on a stupid blog. I don't stay stoned because I'm happy!"
"I can see this money illusion makes you very touchy. But I can take us anywhere we want to go."
Anywhere? I hastily cleared the fog from my head. "Well, there's place called a mint back near where I eke out my miserable life. We could see lots of money there."
"Excellent! Off we go!"
Actual Fort Worth mint. You can even take a tour - for money.
Yeah, baby! Meeting this alien is best thing ever happened to this boy! Gonna fly right out of that mint with some big time bucks! What does he care what I take?
Gazoo was confused. "All I see are piles of paper. Show me where this money is that's more important than even your environment."
"Dude, the paper is the money. You can get food, clothing, houses, cars and even girl's bodies with that stuff! Awesome, eh? We should take some and that way I could show you."
Gazoo had that puzzled look again. "If this not a joke, your planet has no future. You say you truly believe it's necessary for survival?"
"Hell yeah! Really no substitute like showing you, though. Since I ain't got my own we'll need to take some from here. A million or so should get us through the day."
"In our invisible Zetoxite form, we can handle no material objects."
"Aw, shit! That means no Cheetos too! This is a freaking nightmare! You wanna know more try Googling a wiki post. I'm outta here!"
"But can you tell me what happens when an earthling has none of this paper? Is it not true he survives just as well? I tell you this paper is not necessary to live!"
"Hey man, this ain't space station lollipop here. No one gonna give you shit if you don't got money! No shoes, no fucking, no health, no nothin'! Them's the rules and that's just the way it is, Mr. Spaceman."
"I feel compelled to inform you that requiring this paper will only bring death to your planet."
"Yeah, well, it's what we call civilization. Lots of people live good by it; most don't, and I'm one of them."
"Why not make your own paper and attain all the goods you need that way?"
"It's another rule that you're not supposed to do that. If they catch you they take away your freedom."
"Such savagery to take your illusion so seriously! I see now if you are willing to condemn your fellow earthlings over this paper - God knows why - that you would then condemn your environment as well. A most disturbing and tragic string of logic. Do you not realize you could just share your resources equally and thus create a thriving and vibrant planet free of doom?"
"No."
My mind kept wandering
"It's beautiful! You'll grow like flowers-"
"Look Gazoo, I'm tired and no matter how much we yap about it nothing's gonna change, OK? It is what it is. Nobody wants to share their shit so we came up with this."
"You act as if there's a choice involved!"
"Right, there ain't no choice. It's 'get money or die'. "
"No, I mean you act as if not sharing is an option for living. Otherwise you will suffer a long and arduous death, waging wars for that which should be shared and clutching at one another's throats as your children die."
"That's the plan..."
"But how to you plan to deal with this madness?"
"Easy. We just pretend it's not happening and if we can make ourselves believe that everything will be fine."
Gazoo looked really sad. Dumb bastard really wanted us to live. "How strange of you to worship this god of wood as savior. And when the dying time comes will you call out to this god to save you? Help will not come. Would you not wish to avoid the unbearable suffering?"
"Nah, man, we got our minds made up. If we don't kill people for money then it's like it has no real value after all."
Gazoo zapped me with his gun and I was in human form back under the I-45 bridge again choking in the heat wave. But he was all in a dither now. "I must report this back on my home planet. You were set to join the federation, but now I'm not so sure you will even be around. Remember: follow the light!"
"Sure thing," I nodded, knowing that everyone who follows the light gets shot. But for some inexplicable reason, a flash of hope passed before me, the first in a long, long time.
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