Peter the Provo Marshal spoke forthwith:
"You see, under these new chartered accountancy rules, in some scenarios where the depreciation has exceeded the norm - but not in a way as to trigger a Rule 8 Burden Of Proof certificate - but still outside the established fluctuation boundaries in a multi-year drawdown will require a special parsing evaluation all the way to the item master level of the components so as to compare the unassembled scenario versus assembled scenario with labor counting - and here's the tricky part - on a daily ad hoc basis so as to determine an ongoing mean over the reporting period but with no historical statistical data kept allowing for backtracking calculations this will have to be done on an inputted process without fail each day so that we can build a database for quarter-to-quarter and year-to-year comparisons which will give us standardization for a baseline for our depreciation rates.
"But, haha, we need to know those scenarios don't we!" (Peter always liked to inject a bit of whimsy)
"So what I'm going to need from you is a report listing those scenarios driven from a new depreciation scenarios table to be derived from each manufacturer's requirements (this you will need to painstakingly gather and I have a list of contacts you will need to contact) which will then need to be verified according to which method of principles we decide to choose - I know we haven't chosen that yet but I want you to get started anyway and at some point the CIO will make a final determination for the formulas which you will then need to incorporate - but you don't need the formulas, of course, to create an overall structural design analysis of the design which needs to be able to plug into the profit-and-loss statement module on a dynamic level forthwith. This project shall be your purpose in life for the next six weeks.
"Oh, and don't put too many dots on the label extensions to the data columns - it makes things look too stuffy!"
Bernie the Blogger hated his life. And what he hated most of all was his dreary job, a slow tortuous death bleeding him into oblivion one maddening day after another. But he did have the power of the pen to strike back against the injustices of the world! He scribbled furiously a burning epithet of modern society with a post titled, "An Open Letter To God", which read like this:
"Dear God,
Suck my dick! This whole goddam planet sucks. You think it's such a fucking picnic you come down here and live with these assholes! Who gave them the right to decide my fucking life? Why do I have to pay just because some fartheads think they got it all figured out and I should have to live by their bullshit ideas? Got an answer for that, motherfucker?
Yeah, didn't think so.
So get off your goddam ass and start zapping some of these sons-a-bitches putting a gun to my head and a knife in my back. Shit, I'd do the same for you and here you won't throw me one fucking lifeline when I'm here drowning in drivel. Just what does that say about this piece-of-shit world you supposedly want to save??"
Bernie was ecstatic. He got 17 comments lustily approving of his rant, with very often the exact words "Good rant!" being used. He got three more comments telling him he was the one whom God would zap - and that he damn well deserved it. And he also got a final comment on where he could buy cheap Ugg boots online.
But even with this modest success, Bernie still found himself crushed by the tidal wave of tedium his job so mercilessly produced. Crawling on the floor of his one bedroom apartment - who's only furniture consisted of a bean bag, an outdated Nintendo and wide screen TV - he switched on the set with his last remaining gasp. And there he found Magic Mike speaking words of wisdom.
"Hi, folks! Is your life a dead end? Do you work and work and work and never get anywhere? Are you searching for meaning in a world gone mad? Have you lost all hope? Do you feel that no matter how hard you try, how sincere your efforts or how vital the truth you speak that it will always come to nothing? Do you lie awake at night envying your pet?
"If so, you're not alone! I have an answer for you, one that will turn your life around, show you how to overcome those obstacles you thought you never could. Become one of the successful people you see every day. And I tell you it's far easier than you think!"
I applaud me
Bernie the convert repented to his Maker. "Thank you, God! This is exactly what I needed. I know I thought you let me down, but I was in so much pain, overwhelmed by the blackness and bleak horror of my life. It's hell in that windowless room with those suffocating walls and being forever poked and prodded by mindless minions who don't even know what's best for them. I felt like Napoleon trapped in a loony boon for fake Napoleons, no one ever believing me no matter what the truth is.
"But I should have known better, that would separate the wheat from the chaff and set me free! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Magic Mike was a man of plastic hair and plastic words, both of which seemed shiny and real at first glance. "Now, I'm going to give you this very simple answer, one that took me a lifetime to find, for I too was once in your shoes, downtrodden and stuck in a one room shack, broke and filled with despair. My prospects were less than zero." Bernie giggled. Wow, he had it worse than I do! "But there is an answer, my friends, to start living the life you deserve, the good life, the life God meant you to live." Bernie was literally salivating at this point. "And that answer is simply to give me money. Do that and your life will improve in vast in dramatic ways. Only a complete and hopeless idiot loser wouldn't benefit from this - and if you are such a soul I have a 3 day back money guarantee minus the initial processing fees."
Bernie slammed off his TV. "I hate you, God! Bet you're really laughing now, aren't you? Suckered me good! Well, I'm going to get you - and your Magic Mike too!"
Bernie's keyboard crackled as his fists of fury pounded out a long and deranged diatribe proclaiming among other things, "I've seen the light! I'm a reborn atheist! I have proof God does not exist!" and repulsive ramblings on "that fraud fucker Magic Mike whose only possible use as a human being would be to use his head as an ass wipe." And with his exposure of these two great deceptions of our times, Bernie was featured on Blog-Of-The-Day.com, got over a hundred positive comments as well as receiving an award as a pseudo-journalist from a pseudo-journalism web site.
Heady times for Bernie. But eighteen hours later nobody gave a shit on what had passed on the raging white-water rapids of the blogging river that stops for no man. And his life was still shit. Thus a flounce was born.
"You're all shit! You don't know shit! You don't appreciate shit! You smell like shit! You make everything into shit! And did I tell you don't know shit? Well, guess what fuckermothers, I don't need your shit!"
That sure caused some shit as most bloggers were in the shit-selling business and very desperately needed their shit to be needed. Many sympathetic supplications and moving moments of impending mourning convinced Bernie to stay as everyone joined in the virtual group hug. (Although there was also a consistent thread of comments stating, "Go ahead! Jump!", Bernie decided to gloss over those.)
And so Bernie went to work the next day just a little bit deader than before, musing on his next post, and he kept on that way until all the life was finally hammered out of him.
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