The Judas Touch

John was the wild man who always did his own thing. Fucking fearless, a man of unconventional wisdom. Many are those in this world who first look to their fellow man to know what to think, feel and even what to wear. John did none of those. He explored life on his own terms, committed to improving himself wherever the road might lead. And since he hid nothing and always remained true to himself he appeared unusual to the common liar, but his honesty made him in reality the most normal person around.

Needing freedom as air, he lived apart from the masses but was accepting to any who shared his love of life. He embraced them and baptized them to a new way of life - though scorn was rife for the ways of John and his ilk. The buried heart burned with hatred when hearing their songs and happy laughter by the river. And those same buried hearts would not rest until John's body was also buried - such is the driving need for self-expression.

So when news of John's death came, it was devastating to Jesus and his twelve followers. John had been a ray of sunshine and to see the darkness win out - well, what was the point of anything then? The world belongs to the bad guys, the good guys have no chance. Such were the thoughts of Judas on that day as his heart broke. It was at this point he started his slow retreat from the others and the voices of insecurity whispered louder.


What am I doing? This is crazy? These guys are all going to end up dead! And for what? If people want to change, they'll change. They can't be relying on me to save their ass! I need to make something of my life and I can't do that six feet underground. You guys can go on being fools and throwing away your life - not me! Sure, I love Jesus but that only puts a target on my back and I can't live like that! Why doesn't this bother anybody else??

Walking into the palaces of power soothed the anxious soul of Judas, the sharpened blade on his side now. He joined hands with holy conspirators and futuristic fatalists, men of low character in high places, their evil safe in this world. These new friends delighted in receiving his soul, praising Judas as a man of insight and intelligence, surmising the world for what it is instead of acting the puppet who believed in wishful thinking. "We are the cult of the world, the ones truly blessed by God and we will prove this as you'll see our decisions made final."

In terms of native intelligence, Judas was easily the smartest of all the disciples. But in terms of understanding life, he was by far the dumbest. He felt life had betrayed him, dooming his desire to live by a world worshipping death. His true companions understood the nature of Heaven and rejoiced, knowing love was the only way. The longer they lived in heavenly dreams the more they grew and understood that it's in the giving of oneself through which salvation comes. Judas failed to make that final step, stopping on the road to paradise and falling behind in his advancement.


"One of you will betray me."

The words shot into the heart of Judas like a lightening bolt. His first and honest reaction was to get up from the table and flee, forever revealing his true place among them. Had he done so - had he given an honest reaction - his soul would have been saved. But Jesus knew the web of lies in which Judas had ensnared himself as happens when one flees the path of the true word. Only doom could come from it and yet too strong were the words "I must deceive!" in the Judas ear, thinking that made him clever, praying it made him smarter than life.

The high priests marveled at the mere pieces of silver - shiny trinkets - for which they could buy a soul to share their misery and fate. What a sucker this Judas man must be! He thinks himself shrewd, but was he not easily tricked into following that lamb Jesus - a lamb meant for slaughter? This Judas fellow has no real understanding of the world - not like we do. Well, he's about to get an education on the true ruler of this planet and watch us grow mighty drinking the blood of saints!

Judas thought of the temple priests as simple and crude, never seeing beyond the end of their noses, believing life to be only that which they could hold in their hands. He saw the mockery in their eyes for his having traveled down the road to paradise. The silver was merely a symbol of approval, meaningless to a man who'd risen above mere money. He reasoned he'd buy himself some comfort with it after the certain dismay he knew he'd feel for his betrayal of Jesus. To Judas, Jesus needed a lesson of the world, to bring reality to his teachings. What good is pursuing life if all those who do get killed?


"Disaster! This is disaster! What have I done?"

The minute he saw Jesus whisked away, the remaining light in Judas went dark - the high priests smirking at his self-betrayal. "That will teach you to pursue paradise!" As Judas listened to the trial - a trial he knew Jesus could defeat - he found to his continual horror Jesus resisted no evil, a man as good as his teachings. Judas wailed to the heavens: "No! No! Save yourself! Give up your teachings just a little bit! No one expects you to be perfect!" And too late he understood.

Those were the words Judas himself longed to hear: "No one expects you to be perfect". He expected it - and he assumed it of everyone else, hating them for demanding it, trapping him into inevitable failure. He'd been tricked by the demon of the mind, his integrity based on how loud his applause instead of the truth of his heart. He tried to save his life by pulling away from life, burning the mocked bridge to paradise in the heat of the moment. Instinctively, Judas' eyes turned towards the silent defendant on trial, and in them he found an understanding pity.

And that's when Judas knew: he'd cut himself off forever.

Staggering away, reality dawning to a bright new day of Light he'd never see - if only he had stuck it out! - his handsome face twisting in torment, reeling from ceaseless waves of despair. I'm drowning! I'm drowning! He passed a woman, someone he knew as a faithful follower of Jesus - someone sure to hate him if she knew his truth - but she saw the look on his face and spoke to him, concerned for his well-being.


"What happened? Are you alright? You look so hopeless!"

Judas grabbed the lifeline in grateful glee, daring to speak his truth. "I walked in the clouds with the angels but my stilts broke beneath me." She smiled in understanding, offering her hand in consolation. Judas did not know she had been sent by Jesus to fetch him from the sea of despair. And seeing her compassion it struck him he must make amends for his crime - not to live on as if he had done nothing! The world must know of his crime! Surely this woman would withdraw her hand had she known his role in her Savior's death. I must judge myself! I must play God to the end!
But the judgement of man is never to be trusted, only the acceptance of love makes him wise. And since his touch had brought death to everyone and everything he touched - the "Judas Touch" - he disavowed the woman's hand - for would he not bring death to her as well? Judas decided to die by his own hand, never realizing the woman knew of his crime already and that it was through his rejection he brought death to her life, depriving her of a chance to love the one who needed it most.

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