A Homeless Guy's Guide To Etiquette

Yes, even we have to unionize

After reading iamsurly's posting on etiquette, it reminded me of our own etiquette posting on the cinder block wall down here at the shelter. One thing that truly offends me is people's idea it's some sort of Lord of the Flies situation we got going on, desperate creatures at each other's throats vying for survival. As long as the lights are on, we are quite respectful of one another. Far better than, say, a roomful of corporate CEOs. Granted, that's not raising the bar very high.

So while it's true we are on the front lines of a dog-eat-dog society, our genteel ways rise above the cacophony of hatred heard on a daily basis. Seems shameful to me that you with your cars and fine houses and your private toilets and your own damn bed and the fucking groceries YOU get to pick out and - oops, forgetting my etiquette here! Pardon me while I rise above. I was just saying that perhaps it seems just a tiny bit unseemely that for those with the most to be acting the worst. That's all IMHO, of course.

With that in mind, my dearest friends, I'd like share a little slice of shelter life with, hoping most earnestly you feel not too reprimanded. After all, the conditions of each one of us contributes to what we are as a whole.



1. When you want something from someone say, "Give it here, fucker!" No one's handing you back the last ham sandwich off the mobile truck by saying "please". You gotta let 'em know you mean business!

2. When they give you what you want you say, "About time, fucker!" Just because they give it back doesn't mean you forgive their sorry ass. Don't want to set any precedents or they'll run right over you.

3. If you see someone struggling to juggle their coffee, briefcase, cane, and a heavy glass door, trip their ass and run away! Be sure to tell everyone at the shelter about it. You'll be Hero For A Day (competition is fierce!)

4. Get over the issues you have about being bald and take your baseball cap off during dinner and other formal occasions. But if you got hair, leave the damn thing on! Keep your lice to yourself.

5. When a movie is showing in the basement theater, please turn off your cell phone. Everyone knows you stole the fucker and no way that call is for you. You need to run up the charges quick before it gets deactivated anyway.

Same wherever you go

6. If you need to interrupt the person with whom you are speaking or someone in the midst of another conversation say, "You're so full of shit!" Actually, we have entire conversations with folks saying nothing but that.

7. Do not shovel food in your mouth at a meal and then talk with your mouth full. Well, actually you can if you want. But if you do, others will grab more grub while you're yapping and leave you the one with your stomach growling at lights out.

8. Learn to say, "I'm sorry." It takes practice and if people don't think you mean it they will slap you up but good. Women are sensitive about their body part being groped. Turns out men are too. So say you're sorry - and if they buy it it's a license to do it again!

9. You cannot disagree with someone without being disrespectful. Without screaming, spitting, heckling, hurling excrement, and waving pistols it makes it hard to get your point across when everyone's arguing because they're dying.

Zerry, I found your art director

10. Don't picket the funerals of yuppies holding signs that say: "Gawd Hatess tha boojwazay!" It is rude - if accurate - and it doesn't even make sense when you're only there just to dig the hole. If you're going to make a protest be sure you know why you're there, spell check your signs, and research your position.

11. Do not point, stare, mock, or laugh at people who are less fortunate than you while within earshot of said loser. Preferably you take notes of the loser to be ridiculed later with a group of like-minded fellows to you. Loser mocking is a sport, so please be a good sport about it.

12. Unless you are sure you have the money to lose, please refrain from betting on the spitting contests.

13. If your child is talking to you, please shut them up - it's not like they count. Tell them the reason they are stuck in a shelter is because they suck as a kid and God hates them.

14. Clean up after you eat! When you dine in a fast food restaurant and don't bring any goodies back for the rest of us, we're gonna beat your damn ass! So we better not smell anything tasty on you!

15. Clean up after your crap ass. When using our public restroom please use the newspaper toilet seat covers. There is no need to squat and spray urine all over the fricking stall and (somehow) onto the ceiling! If you do, don't laugh afterwards thinking about the hell the next guy has to go through. If the plumbing is working properly, don't go around bragging you got the working toilet.

16. When you attend a public meeting, speech, or rally, respect the person who has to sweep the floor. Don't be throwing down gum the poor bastard has to scrape up - or be a smart ass gluing half dollar coins to the floor so he picks his hands raw trying to pick them up. Please, respect the job, if not the man. He's in that position because he earned it or at least he got more votes than you.

Security camera caught sunshine here
breaking into the vending machines

17. If you've been elected to patrol the public grounds on the basis that you are not an asshole, then don't go around all cocky with your flashlight like you're some big shot now. Your shopping cart is the same rusty color as everyone else's, pal. You need to behave well and represent us flea-bitten constituents.

18. When someone does something nice for you, try to find out how they are going to use that to fuck you. If the guy is handing you a fresh Whopper with cheese, it probably means he spit on it and is vying for Hero Of The Day if you take a bite.

19. When behind the wheels of your cart, don't go ramming it into everybody, especially after someone just got their bags loaded on top and you think it's funny when they go flying into the gutter. Just because you think it's funny when they flip you off doesn't mean you have to do it every fricking morning!

20. Behave yourself when the cops are here filing a report. They won't ever stop rousting us if you don't stop peeing on their patrol cars.