Just Desserts

"What you doin' with that gun?"

"Going to shoot my girlfriend."

"What for??"

"Because I'm going out of my mind!"

"I thought you said she's the best thing since, like, ever."

"She is - but I'm a total fraud. I can't stand it. I have zero idea what she sees in me. I just can't take it anymore."

"But she's with you, isn't she? Doesn't that count for something?"

"I wish. She just doesn't know the truth of me."

"Maybe you aren't giving her enough credit."

"Maybe you aren't giving me enough credit."

"Maybe too much. Why don't you just leave her?"

"I can't. She's completely irresistible. I'm wholly dependent on her and can't pull away. I'm dying here!"

"So that's why you're going to kill her."

"I'm not going to kill her, just the relationship. I'll shoot her in the foot."

"Dude, she'll be one pissed off lady!"

"That's the plan. My crippled ass can't leave her but I can make her leave me. She has to know I don't deserve her."

"How are you so sure you don't deserve her?"

"We've grown apart. I can't hardly keep up with her or understand what she says. We've always been competitive. I've got to be someone she can respect! Oh, Lord get me out of this!!"

********

"Did you really shoot her?"

"Yes."

"Was she pissed?"

"Beyond pissed. She was shocked, horrified, stunned, incredulous, furious, outraged, livid, beside herself and hurt. You should have seen the look in her eyes. I'll be taking that look to my grave with me."

"So I take it she's gone."

"Like the wind, forever and ever."

"So it worked out as you hoped."

"Well, I don't have the guilt of having something I don't deserve but now I have the guilt of having shattered her foot for life."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"What can I do about it? Some things there's no way of fixing. This is sheer fucking agony!"

"So you're just going to do nothing?"

"Only thing I can think of is shooting my own foot off. I'm thinking she won't have so much burning rage against me that way."

"I don't know, man. Didn't work out last time you shot a foot off no matter what you say."

"I can't just do nothing! She has to know how I feel!"

"You just gonna shoot every foot you see?"

"Feels that way. Do one you gotta do them all. This is a nightmare!"

********

"Hey look! I shot my foot off! A sure sign of integrity, eh?"

"Stupidity is integrity?"

"Oh, piss off. She's gotta believe I'm sorry now."

"How would she even know? You said she cut off all communication."

"I left a note on her door."

"How you know she even read it? Maybe it fell off and blew away."

"God, I hope not! I don't have the nerve to do it twice. Shit, I better not have shot my foot off for nothing!"

"Sure looks that way. She doesn't want to hear from you no matter what you have to say."

"Maybe my plan was too good. It sucks being a cripple. No creature in the universe should have to need a woman! Goddam, I wanted to be her friend, to contribute to her life."

"You contributed alright. But I don't think you were very honest."

"Yes, I'm a very dishonest person. I couldn't let her know what I was going through. The hell I was living inside is now on the outside."

"Some plan!"

**********

"Shit, you won't believe what happened. I was rolling out of the van at the grocery store when I see this chick in a wheelchair looking just like my ex rolling into the store."

"Was it her? Did you go in?"

"Hell, no! You crazy? Most scared I ever been in my life. No, I rolled my ass back inside the van quick as I could, heart pounding away."

"You ran away again?"

"Can you blame me? If she'd seen me in there she'd have cut my throat, calling me a lousy piece of shit coward who couldn't ever hope of becoming a real man who can face his feelings."

"You mean the stuff you tell yourself every day?"

"Pretty much, yes. I make sure I constantly chant that to myself to make up for my deficiencies."

"How long do you plan on beating yourself up?"

"Long as I can, I suppose. I can't just stop or she'll hate me more."

"Dude, your plans really suck."

"Tell me about it..."

********

"Dude, I heard about your lady."

"She's not my lady anymore."

"You can say that again!"

"What do you mean?"

"She's getting married. She says she's gotten over being mad at you and moved on."

"Jesus, I feel really alone now. That hate was my last connection to her. I thought we'd always have that. I can't believe she overcame my betrayal like that."

"You always said she was a helluva woman!"

"Damn, yes... See? I told you I didn't deserve her."