My First Day In The Insane Asylum

Linoleum. God, I hate linoleum. Makes me want to rebel right away. For some reason I wouldn't feel so hostile with a wood floor. A nice parquet would do. But this is just shit. But I know I can't say anything. Just be used against me. These people think they got all the answers - or have to think it even when they don't. But no one who can help ever thinks they have all the answers. Now some dude is coming up to me obviously wanting to investigate the new guy. Truly, suicide is my only friend.

"So what are you in for?"

"Me?"

"Yes, yes. You gotta spill or ever'one will bug ya till you do."

"Well, I guess the best way of saying it is I had nowhere to go when it came time to go."

"Oh, that's harsh. Way harsh."

"So tell me who you are."

"Me, I'm your guide to this looney bin who appears normal at first but then does something really weird in the end to freak you out."

"You're an actor."

"Bingo! But don't be tellin' them therapists. Gets them right out of sort finding out they ain't really doin' nothin' and their faces get real cross and ever'thing. Like they want to hit you. Play along and they love you like honey - just like at home."

"Don't worry. Mums the word." My short friendly friend breathed an apparent sigh of relief. He took me over to a man sitting up but paralyzed in his bed, open-mouthed, wide-eyed as if an oncoming car were about to hit him. He even had me looking around to see what could possibly be terrifying him so badly.

"That's Abel. He stayed too long staring into the abyss. Couldn't pull away."

"How so?"

"Don't know. Just know they found him sitting at the edge, looking down into the bottomless black and he wouldn't budge for nothin'. They say he generated this super iron will that kept him from fallin' in but at the same time kept him from movin' too. Someone called it like a tie in a tug of war. Then one day his mind and face just froze up like that."

"What are they doing for him?"

"Collecting his Medicare, like everybody."

"Scary. But who's that dude over there? He looks like he's enjoying himself, a real success."

"You're kidding, right? Who the fuck enjoys this hellhole? Whole point is to get out. Don't let Happy-Happy fool you."

"Happy-Happy? That's his name?"

"No, his real name is Lupton Pitman but he won't let anyone call him nothin' but Happy-Happy."

"So how did he get in here?"

"Too happy for his own good."

"How the fuck is that possible?"

"That's all he would ever say, how happy he was. Some neighborhood boys found out and started tearing up his house, stealing his stuff, he'd never do anything about it. One of them even peed on his head. Finally they burnt his house down. All he'd ever say was how happy he was with it."

"Did he ever give a reason?"

"He said he didn't want anyone to think he was a loser."

"Ha! That's - " I couldn't find a better word, even considering my circumstances - "crazy!"

"Yeah, we get in trouble if the nurses find we been playing poker with him. He gets cleaned out quick."

"Who's that guy over there sitting on the couch watching TV? It's like he's looking right through the screen, not even seeing anything."

"Oh, that's Silent Sam. They didn't want to take him in. They put him through all the tests but he always came out normal. He told them they was wrong and had to take him."

"They took him in just like that?"

"That and he whipped his dick out and started whacking off looking right at the nurse. Boy, she got pissed!"

"Jesus!"

Boners are reserved for "normal" people

"Yup, he never says anything to anyone. My secret guess is if one of them nurses banged his brains out he'd be gone in a heartbeat. Fuckers 'round here just want to talk you to death. But some things talk just won't ever do."

"Damn. He'll never make it out alive." Would I? "That old man in the corner by himself. He looks like he'll die here too."

"Oh, that's Rodney, don't go near him. He's like a cornered animal. Me, I'm surprised the whole place ain't full of people like him."

"Why? What happened?"

"Company he worked for got bought but the other company couldn't pay the debt so they went bankrupt, cancelling all the pensions. Lost like $750,000 or somethin'. Stress killed his wife and he couldn't face living alone working as a security guard rest his life."

"But that's not crazy! That's a crazy world!"

"World don't see it that way. Never does! He's completely paranoid now, thinks ever'one's out to get him. He sees spies in his soup. These whacko nurses here tell him he can trust their world but his eyes are ripped open for good."

"My God. This place is like a dumping ground to hide our sins. Just sweeping people under the carpet, drugging them up and putting them on a balance sheet."

"That's the story, man. May as well give in and give up. They won't stand for havin' their money threatened. They get right violent when it comes to that. They'll put your head on a post if they has to."

"But I can't just not feel what I feel."

"Then you better be feelin' something good!"

"I got nothing to make me feel good. Not a scent, not a whiff of hope. I'm at the end of my rope. Someone told me to tie a knot in it but the knot slipped out. I'm flat out of anything."

"Then they got ya! But you can always smell me finger!"

"What??"

"Smell me finger! I like smellin' them! They smell like hope!"

"Dude! This must be the part where you flake out."

"You know that Erin Andrews chick? She got videotaped naked and guess what she was doing? Smellin' her fingers! And she's hawt and can have anyone she wants and is on the outside. How's that for finger sniffin'!"

There really is no place to go in a world gone mad.