"Two men argue, one man wins." That's the conventional wisdom. Truth is, both men lose if both truly argue. The secret to winning arguments is NOT to argue. Today we will discuss theoretical tactics to be used in one of man's favorite pastimes: verbal masturbation (but, but, it does have meaning!)
Example argument: "Earth is flat" vs. "Earth is round".
We will be taking the side of "Earth is flat". Our opponent will be cocky since he has the truth on his side. Ah, but he has to prove it! The mere act of his doing so, though, means he's lost. Some people, alas, never figure this out. Some people will, during the course of the argument, suddenly have the light go on and think, "Why am I trying to prove this??" In which case we have lost. Others won't argue in the first place. Damn them! Join my hell!
Here are a variety of tactics:
1. Drawing Offsides:
Very commonly used. Can be used to varying degrees of effectiveness. Level one is the "Pinching" level. Two people are extremely engaged in a conversation and you pinch one on the butt. At first she ignores you until finally, "Will you stop that!" The verbal equivalent of this is name calling. Make your points but end each one with "jerk", "toad face", "fat bastard", whatever. Watch as it slowly breaks them down!
Level two ups the annoyance factor. Breaking into song works well here. Suppose your opponent's name is Bob. During some long winded point of his you start in with the Beach Boy's classic "Barbara Ann". You start with: "Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob...Bob-Bobara Ann" This gets him on two counts. First, he may take the bait of "Aha! He's got the name wrong. I need to correct him!" The second part, of course, is that it's annoying as hell when someone breaks into song during your Important Discussion. (NOTE: If not comfortable singing, a long, low series of boos will also work)
Level three can invoke violent responses so use with caution. It's the verbal equivalent of a face slap. To do this you will need to master the Daffy Duck sound or some other loud noises. If done correctly, the reactions will range anywhere from a deeply reddening face to a punch in your mouth.
2. The closed mind (intentional):
This tactic is great and, often times, is actually the case for your opponent. This allows for complete dismissal of all points. We'll use our "World is round" guy (in red) as an example:
"But I'm speaking the truth!" "Alleged truth."
"I have pictures!" "Doctored, no doubt."
"But all scientists agree!" "Nerds who can't get laid."
You get the idea. Use with glee.
Now, when your opponent is truly closed minded you cannot use this tactic. However, he is counting on you to make valid points for him to dismiss. Depriving him of that will prove highly frustrating to him.
3. The tangential diversion:
This is where you not only draw them offsides but then lead them around like a cow. If you pull this one off, you know you're in control. Take the reply to the last point up above: "Nerds who can't get laid." This may be something your opponent cannot resist commenting on. "I know scientists! And I know they get laid!" Careful here to stifle your giggling, he must not know of your hand upon his chain. How hard you yank it as it your discretion. It could be anywhere from, "Farm animals don't count" to a more subtle, "No, I don't mean with hookers."
SUMMATION:
What I've outlined here are just starting points. If you happen to know your opponent and some of his hot button issues, those can be useful for implementing tactics 1 and 3. Master all 3 tactics and you will be feared like the Godfather. The most important thing to remember, however, is DON'T LET THESE TACTICS BE USED ON YOU! Arguments are like a tug of war, the loser is the one who ends up in the mud in the middle. There are some losers, though, who will claim victory while covered in debate. Just make a mental note to yourself, "Still doesn't know I'm yanking his chain."
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