Don't ask me how this ends because I don't know, will never know, and am not going to deal with it for the rest of my life. It is what it is - and what it is I don't know. That's just the way things are, can't be helped. Deal with it, get over it, move on. Any other stock phrases you might know for denial and running away, you can stick those in here too. So let it be written, so let it be done.
It happened. I don't know how, or her thought process, or maybe it was my imagination - it can't be! - or maybe there's a simple explanation I cannot fathom. All I know is that bitch can't be smarter than me. Nobody is!
I'm beyond pissed if she has won this war.
I cannot fight another battle. I am weaponless and exposed on the field of battle, a stricken body unable to move as her tank battalion storms my way in relentless inevitable victory. Waiting for it is worse than the actual dying.
Guess I might as well get this over with. Biscuit Lady winked at me.
Jesus goddam fucking Christ! She was supposed to avoid me at all costs. Our paths were never to cross again much less her give me a positive sign of anything. Hate me, you stupid moronic bitch. That's the agreement we made.
Shit, what a mind fuck. Actually, it was a wink and a direct smile. What does that mean? Did she see right through my manipulations? Did she sit around with her friends discussing the situation and come up with this clearly diabolical plan to fuck with my head. Maybe collectively they were able to deduce I had set her up.
Could it be I'm not as think as I smart I am?
She should have internalized my fooling her in a blanket of shame, which would have made it impossible to overcome with never seeing the light of day. But maybe that's just me painting my own idiocy onto others. Just burns my butt, though, to think she lives her life in a healthier way than I do. I need her to be an asshole. I can't tell you how much I'm gonna hate her if she doesn't justify my hate. I should sue her somehow.
Damn. Just damn.
I replayed the scene in my head over and over, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. Yes, it was certainly deliberate. She knows she can catch me that time of day at work because I have a fixed routine I cannot alter. Crap! What if she has more planned? Naturally, this happens on a Friday so I have all weekend to stew and mull on this like a cannibal's victim slowly lowered into a boiling pot.
Now she's got me dreading the sight of her.
Man, I hate being outwitted. I know she's not being honest. This is warfare, pure and simple. How can she possibly like me when even I don't? Much as I hate to say it, I do have to admit it's a brilliant move.
It's amazing how what we say sticks to us even when it's a blatant lie. Machiavelli, you ignorant slut. Words count even when we don't mean them. I made Biscuit Lady think I had feelings for her and she's playing off that as if I meant every word. I can't believe she trapped me like this. If I admit I was lying before then all those words lose their power plus she gets the moral high ground. And in battle, we all know the person with the high ground has the advantage!
I have to stare at these golden yuppies all day every day at work as I clean up after them. Having the freedom of keeping my own mind is supposed to give me a leg up on those corporatized cunts. I hear snippets of conversation where I listen to them weave themselves into knots from which they can never escape. I understand it. Poverty is also a knot you cannot escape so they are choosing the better poison in their minds. My payoffs are strictly intangible (like a free blog!).
So to have one of them outplay me - even if it was a team effort as I'm going to ascribe it to - just galls the hell out of me. Means she has the best of both worlds: wealth and a brain. I don't know how I can recover from this. Maybe I should just accept defeat and realize she's going to get away with calling me stinky in public. I hate this fucking world, I really do.
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