Return Of Biscuit Lady

Please stop, God, enough already!

The gods are angry with me, flinging yet another nemesis into my life to inflict torture and agony upon my precious being that God so highly values. What did I do to deserve this? God only knows - and that fucker ain't talking. So I just have to deal with the never-ending flow of shit as it comes. At some point I'm just going to drown. Death by shit.

Not that I'm bitter.

So for whatever reason Biscuit Lady has entered the rhythms of my existence - patterns I cannot alter due to my economic needs. I am stuck as any Jew in a concentration camp. I can try and flee but I have nowhere to go but die in the forest from starvation and exposure. And this bitch's path now crosses mine on a daily basis - during the week anyway. I tried avoidance tactics but I don't want to waste any more life than I have to at the godforsaken shithole where I labor nor can I (literally) afford to be late. So every morning there she is in plain site - I as an antelope spotting a cougar in the wild. I had to do something.

Yes, it's painful to even type this. We work in the same building. Or rather, I work at it and she works in it as I only clean it for a contracted janitorial company. She works for a legal firm on seventh floor. I feel crucified by fate. So taking my cue from Lethal Weapon, when God hates you, hate him back.

Yesterday, my fellow never-have-been's, never-will-be's, and other assorted never-do-wells asked me my solution to this most prickly of problems. How does the antelope defeat the predator?

"I blocked her."

"Blocked her? Blocker her how? You don't have her phone number!"

"No, I blocked her better than that."

"You so full of shit! You don't even know her name! How you gonna block her anywhere? That bitch can have your job anytime she wants."

"I hope she knows how to use a dust mop then."

"You know what I mean..."

"Yes, that's why I blocked her. She now avoids me at all costs of her own free will. She will crawl naked on glass to keep me out of her life. She will not mention me to anyone at anytime nor ever acknowledge my existence even alone in the dead of night. It is total and complete."

If they're smiling, you know they don't do it for a living.

"Jesus, Harry, what did you do to that woman? Kill her cat?"

"No, but by the look on her face you'd thought I had. And don't call me 'Jesus Harry'."

"You idiot. I don't believe you did anything. You too much a coward."

"Being a coward is what forces me to act."

"Then tell me exactly what you did, no bullshit."

"OK. I told her I loved her."

"Hahaha! Oh, no you didn't!"

"Yup. Her whole jaw dropped. When she couldn't speak, I dropped the bomb on her."

"Gotta hear this."

"I told her I wanted to whisper my secret dreams in her ear."

"That crazy stuff!"

"Yuppers. That's when she had the look like I just shot her dog."

"She had to say something."

"She was all tied up then she looks down and says: 'I'm sorry, I can't help you.' Then she got the hell out of dodge."

"How did you know that would even work?"

"Experience. For one thing, I made sure not say I was in love with her. She could have seen through that. I just let her interpret it however she wanted which is always the worst way possible with women."

"Man, you nuts."

"Not like I asked to be in this situation!! What are the odds she's in the library same day I am?? Whole thing is nuts. I had to do something to get her out of my life or she might of found out something really awful."

"Awful? Like what?"

"Like that I fucking need her."