The Wandering Warlord Peasant

Back when I thought I could conquer the world

I no longer live among my people. I cannot afford to be recognized - even by myself. The familiar hills and streams of my youth are forbidden to me. Faces that once greeted me with a smile are gone forever. I've become a stranger to my samurai soul. It's as if I woke up from a dream to find my waking life a nightmare.

In My Time Of Certainty I made decisions of life and death never doubting them in my hallowed clarity. What is this curse that deceives the mind so completely that the more wrong we are the greater our conviction? This bewitching will be the downfall of Mankind. It certainly brought the downfall of me.

I hear scarce tales of my province, morsels of hope I dare not consume. My lust to rule the land blew me like a tumbleweed down a path of inevitable destruction. First my father, then my brother - dead by my command. Our conspiracy to rule the clan was a success. Winning is its own justification in a bent world, we believed. Those were heady days. There was an anger to all that we did.

That was twenty odd years ago but every day is the same for me now. The Shogun has united us and the nation has moved on from the warring era. I am but one remnant, one of many fools left to litter the land in our failed and myopic bids to seize power. I murdered for nothing. As my castle burned by the hand of Toyotomi's army, I retreated into the forest donning a scarf around my head, never looking back. I drift from village to village as an unredeemable sot who spends every last yen on warm sake. But my life remains cold.

Then it all came crashing down

I'm not to be trusted to make decisions. I work for the farmers in safe day labor. I look up at the sun as it arcs in the sky, praying it does not betray me, praying it does not bear witness on my past. They say I lack energy but it's the weight of the light that drags me down. To whom can I reveal my horrors? Had I done these dastardly deeds and become Shogun, would anyone care of my murders? Would I care? Our murderous Shogun seems unperturbed.

I'll never know. All I know is that the image of the rising smoke from behind the mountain as my imperial dreams disappeared in a forlorn cloud is forever branded on my brain. I'm a laughingstock to the gods. I realize the anger that brought me to this hellish place must be eschewed at all costs. Maybe then I can serve a purpose. But, oh, how they would run from me if they knew the brotherly blood on my hands. At the time, I said to myself, "There is no other way."

I'm not the only clan leader who committed familial crimes. The whole country was mad in those wide open times of lawlessness. Is freedom a sin if it only unleashes violence? Are we a better country in the iron grip of the Shogun? Yes, that grip has stalled our civil war that lasted a hundred years but is that the same as serving justice? Does my fleeing from decisions make me an honest person? Perhaps there is no escape from this.

Hardest battle of all

Who am I to give advice? If I came clean no one would listen to such an obvious fool. But I still cling to a sliver of morality however irrational even if based on others' ignorance. The farmer I work for is in dispute with his neighbor. I kept my mouth shut until I could hold my tongue no longer. I told him he had to be hard and ruthless in this world. "Do you want to survive or not?" I could feel the old fever as I was speaking to him. But were my words merely embers of my old rage?

It's myself I seek to escape. Once having lusted after the throne my spirit cries out for more. But I feel chained to my mistakes of the past, doomed to repeat them in helpless servitude. There must be some step I need to make. I've heard the farmer speak of how peasants like him were caught in the hellish crossfire between clan warlords and the tragedies that ensued. I have to admit during that time I never gave that a second thought. Would they lynch me if I came clean now? Could I blame them?

I till the farmer's soil. The earth is good in its blind benevolence to even the worst of sinners. I am defeated. In way, as self-serving as this may sound, I'm glad I did not win. I see so much of myself in the arrogant and corrupt rulers who lord over us. I have been spared that fate - and I cannot join the shogunate even if solicited to do so. I'm a part of no world, discarded refuse floating through universe. Is there a life left for me to find? Would I have the courage to face it? The courage of war is of no use in times of life.