Jedi Mind Tricks

Follow the money. It's a foolproof plan in a money-mad world. But it's a sword that cuts both ways. I can put a dollar bill on a string and slide it down the sidewalk and watch all you fools chase after the god that owns you. People talk high and mighty of many things but their morality is based on their money worship. "God is good!" they declare when their wallets are full. But, boy howdy, do they be bitter when that wallet is empty!

The pursuit of money has various strains, one of which is outright theft. The best thieves use a pen for their thievery but there are still those who prefer good old hard cash. But having said cash presents problems of its own. Especially when that cash is hot and you're waiting for the statute of limitations to run out. And people know you have that cash. People who make it their job to take that cash from you - and have all the resources of the government at their disposal.

Long story short, I didn't steal the cash but it did come into my possession. And it was up to me and me alone to figure out how to hide it from limitless search warrants that can look into the most private of places. Anything can be tracked nowadays. Suppose I Google searched on how to hide money. Cops would be all over that. I thought of going to a hotel lobby and use their public computer for a search but even that didn't feel safe. Giving them hard evidence of any sort would only fuel the chase.

Cops all over my ass!

I couldn't make friends and acquaintances complicit after the fact so there was no one to consult with. So what does one do with half a million (and change) when it can't be deposited? My apartment and car were clearly out of the question. Despite what you see in movies, burying cash is a very bad idea as it will rot over time and I had years to wait. Options were disappearing quickly!

I stewed on it for hours, feeling the walls closing in and getting more paranoid by the minute. I even thought of giving it away to charity just to be rid of the burden. I just knew I didn't want the busybody cops to have it or the crooked banks. I got in my car and drove around aimlessly, hoping to be inspired, and if not then a homeless shelter was going to be mighty happy.

"Well, fuck, if I show up there with that kind of cash they'll be suspicious and "do the right thing" and hand it over to the cops. Shit!"

Defeat was here. Defeat was there. Defeat was everywhere. If was going to find an answer, I had to get it from within. Then, as if in answer to my prayer, I passed by this building and the pieces started falling into place.

Not the storage unit you're looking for

How long before the cops knew I had the cash and not the actual robbers? Days, weeks, hours? Goddam money owned me too with the misery it was causing. But I remembered the miseries it could solve as well. Had to make a calculated risk on the time I had before surveillance began. Wrapping my phone in foil, I drove out to implement my plan - a plan in which I planned to get caught.

Two weeks is what it took before the cops came to search my car and apartment. They made a big show of it, clearly hoping to rattle me. I told them in a huff I was going to Facetime my attorney and contact the ACLU. Naturally they laughed that off, no doubt thinking they were halfway home to recovering the loot. People always believe you when you act stupid. And the cops had to think themselves clever at having figured out I ended up with the cash. Process of elimination really.

About an hour after they left, I got in my car and headed to an abandoned building in Fort Worth. I got out of the car and slid through a gap in the chain link fence I'd previously spotted. I walked around kicking items out of place, rummaging through debris, then hurried back to my car. And just to be sure, I left a tiny camera up near the ceiling. That provided for hilarious viewing!

When I retrieved the disk the next day I saw the cops tearing the building apart for hours, digging in filth and trash, so sure they would find the cash! Instead they found neatly typed computer generated notes saying, "Fuck you!". That did not go over well with the feds! I'd waved a red flag in front of the angry bull and I knew I'd moved up on the target list. But we all know how an angry fighter can punch himself out.

Rope-a-dope ain't just for boxing

As expected from scouring my records, they found the day my cell phone was cut off from the grid. They checked safety deposit boxes and all the usual places of stashing a large amount of cash. And sure enough they found the U-Haul rental unit in my name. So easy with online records! They got another warrant - and I got a phone call from the facility - but once again they came up empty - except for the "Fuck you!" poster I left hanging on the back wall. I heard they still tried to search it though God knows where it could have been in that hollow container.

Cops like game players. They're sure that through our showing off we'll make a mistake and they'll get the last laugh. So it had to be very painful as they raided the U-Haul for a second time after they found out I came back and paid a year's rent in full. Why the fuck do that unless I had something to hide, right? I must be thinking myself a Jedi to hide the cash in a place that had already been searched! Only difference on this raid was I'd added "Again" to the bottom of my "Fuck You" poster.

All these useless warrants they keep requesting! Really puts the popo in a spot. Could move the loot in there at any time! I felt like after the second raid they must have placed some sort of surveillance device as there were no more raids even after repeated and obvious visits by me. They had to be pulling their hair out!

Since the day I rented the storage unit was the same day my cell signal was cut off, that just had to be the place! Must have been why they combed the entire facility so thoroughly. But that wasn't the only place I went that day. Just the most obvious. Next up was the place I had a friend rent. A one horse operation without any online tracking. Took 'em another two weeks to raid that. The usual sign greeted them when they opened the empty unit. They probably traced my friend's cell locations. The final place, of course, would be the hardest to find.

That took a month as they had to manually fan out from the radius of my apartment and canvas every single storage unit. Must have been a pain in the ass and taken tons of manpower! You can guess what sign greeted them when they lifted the orange door. For this one, I had another motion detector camera set up. Their reaction was as I'd scripted.

"I know what's going on here," said the agent with a look of dawning understanding. "This guy wants us spinning our wheels going through every storage unit in DFW. We've got storage units on the brain! He wants us chasing our tails because he's got it tucked safely away somewhere else. This has been nothing but a giant distraction, a cheap Jedi mind trick. Forget this ruse. We're tearing his life down again from top to bottom. There's always a mistake. There's always something that can't be hidden. And we're going to find it."

He was certainly right about parts of that. How does one cover up an action when it almost certainly can be discovered with enough determination? A Jedi mind trick, of course! The loot really was hidden in that last unit. I just had to convince them somehow not to fully search it. On the day I deposited the money I sent gift cards to the Dallas FBI office. Don't know how many of them still worked there that worked on my case so many years ago. I did write "Fuck you" on the gift cards, though.