Dear Diary, Dear World

It's only gotten worse

"The love you take
"is equal to
"the cash you make."

The nightmares are closing in like... I'm trapped, unable to go neither forward nor backward. I go through the motions of pretending I have a future to keep out the monstrous meddler-killers. I was choking in an Amazon warehouse, surrounded only by talking droids that give the illusion of companionship. The one time I saw a human is when someone came up to criticize my work. How can I break the news to them? I just can't make myself care.

Then I was back in the rundown trailer park in Florida. More monsters of poverty ruling over me, threatening my animals' welfare, driving me to murderous outrage. No one can leave well enough alone. I surely didn't with Emily.

I have a secret I can tell no one. For I can tell them and they still won't know: I am unable to make money. See? I knew you would deny it. Our belief system is based on a lie. That's why we want liars to win. We think it makes us safe. My, what a hurtling ball of fire we are, burning up in the atmosphere, getting ever hotter from the friction.

Fine time to forget the key.

As for me, I am unable to make love (not a euphemism). Had I put love out into the world perhaps the world would have supported me back. But I hate this world and want it to die. But I have no interest in saving only myself. Nobody wins unless we all win. That's the lesson we're going to learn -  one way or the other.

Losing with Emily was fatal. With her friendship, I could have made the step to love. But I assumed her friendship an impossibility - then made it so. I feel Kafka must have done something similar in his failures to communicate.

As for you, dear world, if you knew the future you are making you'd reverse your behavior in a heartbeat without hesitation or doubt. You've assumed what the truth is without facing it - and that's 100% fatal 100% of the time. Closing your eyes and hoping is certain suicide. Thanks for dragging everyone else down with you. Your mandates will be doubly used against you and there will be nothing you can do to prevent it.