A Letter To Chelsea Manning

Hi Chelsea,

Guess I'm in a letter writing mood lately. Hear you're having a rough time of it recently - and I just wanted to say that I am not! When I go to Ranger baseball games the whole crowd stands up and applauds me. And I get the best seat in the house too! I am very revered and untouchable in this life.

First, let's not forget it was not me who put you in jail but that large-eared black man in office now. That darkie hates truth-tellers even more than I did! Do you know why? That's because we Presidents lie for the good of the country. President Blackie was way on his high horse when he got into office but not now! His grey head says it all. Now even that traitor says what a fine American I am.

Lying is not a sin if God tells you to do it. I asked God, "Should I lie my country into a war?" And God said "Yes!" because in the end the world will be a better place. And I do have to say looking at the present condition of the Middle East that certainly proves the wisdom of God! We have won the war and except for a few remaining malcontents we have won the peace. Praise be to the Lord and good Christian soldiers!

So you see, once it's been determined you're on a mission (accomplished!) from God, then everything you do after that is OK! It's like a free pass, no truth allowed. Why people like you want to make trouble I just don't understand. What possible purpose can the truth serve? Sure our soldiers are fighting for oil but they are fighting for the freedom to lie too! Besides, who are any of us to question God who wants us to kill those evildoers and their stupid voodoo religion?

Someone told me that right now there are more soldiers dead from suicide than from combat deaths in God's war. That's only because they questioned God! It's always OK to put a bullet in someone as long as someone else is telling you to do it. God and generals don't stand for disobedience. That is a lesson you are learning every day.

Approval is a wonderful thing! Most people are very moral like I am. They understand others must be punished for our sins. Can't be jailing us good guys! Truth can do nothing but destroy this great country of ours and I'm here to protect it. Gandhi said there is no god higher than truth - then he got shot for it! We the Moral Mob wage jihad on you truth-tellers and purge you from us to keep us pure and to preserve our way of life. We live the good life because we are God's chosen.

Yes sir, don't see any Presidents trying to commit suicide, do you? We outsource our sin to keep us holy. If your jailors mistreat you you must understand it's only from the guilt they feel for punishing you for their own sins. Don't blame them for not being Presidents! It's hard to explain the thrill I get when I jog alongside some soldier whose legs I got blown off. How's that for ass-kissing! Think anyone will do that for you?

I hope when you get out you will have learned your lesson. Truth endangers us all. We must suppress it at all costs. Even President porch monkey understands that. If you do see the light of God and join us in protecting America's great and awesome lies then I would very much consider a visit from you at my Dallas mansion and allow you to kiss my ring and accept me as your savior like so many of the enlightened troops have. I write this to you, you see, in order to give you hope - to be a giddy, unrepentant, unconvicted, glorified war criminal like me!

GWB