A Letter To The End Of The World

Dear Emily,

It has crossed my mind you may have read connotations into my words that do not exist. When I say "I need you" that does not mean I have any sort of expectations. Quite the opposite. Far as I'm concerned there are seven billion people on this planet and all anyone has to say to me is, "Where's the rent?" The number of people who can help me is the same number who could have helped Jesus on the cross: zero. (Though in reality, of course, everyone)

The word "need" to me translates to "I'm fucked". "I'm fucked needing you" is what "I need you" means. If I could somehow turn hearing the phrase "I don't have time for you" into cash I'd truly be saved. But there is no prayer or any sort of wishful thinking that can change that. You just die. That's what life is really when you get down to it, picking your killer. Either you speak the truth and your fellow man kills you or you lie and God kills you. Pick your poison.

So my only goal at this point is to accelerate the end of the world. If by suppressing my talents I can help facilitate that then by all means that's what I hope to do. In its present state I cannot survive or live on this planet. Who knows, maybe nobody is. Only after rebirth can I breathe and live. And besides, how can I save souls when I can't save mine?

I think everyone is starting to realize these things. As such, delusional and magical thinking is on the rise. Each day we hear more and more hilarious scenarios of a future that can never be, extrapolated from a present they only imagined. My sole pleasure is in what time I do have to see them hit the ground of reality after jumping off their cliffs of delusion. I fear I won't get to see the biggest falls.

The current rage of hilarity is turning everything into a quasi moral endeavor. "Facecrook, we're connecting the world!" Connecting through the lens of their own immoral censorship, of course. Predatory Uber is out there saving lives and moron Tesla wants to ban human drivers. All these noble missions for our yearning millennials! True purpose is much harder to achieve, mein kampf.

So what to do about this tidal wave of lies and magical thinking? Agree with them! Tell them they are geniuses and visionaries and moral pillars (I've spoken of this before). They will actually call you "a true friend" for telling them it's a good idea to jump off that cliff. Anyone else is a Debby Downer! The only thing in actuality that has any hope of saving the world is Southern sarcasm.

Which brings me back to your Southern sarcasm, Emily. I have no hope of surviving it. I'd be helplessly slashed to pieces. I'm not saying it's misplaced, I'm saying this because it's not. So I'm in the position of avoiding the very person I need most. That might come as a shock to you because you are under the impression I am chasing you. But the reality is you are running from you, not me. God knows why.

You're the only person I ever met who did not make me apologize for my intelligence. (And also the only person I gave full revelation to.) I remember thinking, how could even my wife have that same quality? I'd be married and still need you! Who knows, maybe's it's like being in a band where you have that sort of marriage while at the same time having a personal marriage. God knows I wanted to be family with you down to the depths of my soul. Right or wrong, I just couldn't see how that could happen.

I see nothing but doom from this point. A sabotage of life. The world has been given over to self-fearing monsters. I can't wait for it to end. Somebody show me a reason not to (rhetorical, folks).