That Bottomless Bottle

It bothered me the first time I saw it sitting on top of my dinette set. I didn't remember placing that bottle there and I wasn't sure what it was but I didn't have time to check it right then and there. "I'll get to it later"  - which is a phrase I seem to say a thousand times a day anymore. I just didn't like that fact it was left opened, a festering issue.

As I passed on into the study I chided myself. "There you go again, always imagining the worst, torturing yourself in some false show of integrity. That bottle is not going to fall over and spill and create a big mess. Have some faith for once." I was busy on the internet fighting the endless fight of correcting every wrongheaded opinion but still that damn bottle was bugging me.

"I'll be damned if I can remember how it even got there!" But in the mad scramble for survival the details of life blur into a hazy fog making it difficult to separate fact from fantasy. "Don't be blaming others for something you did. That bottle got there somehow - must have been you!" And I was thinking about this as I explained to a fool on the web how the President is helping destroy the country.

I was hoping I'd be done soon fixing the fools of the world because I needed to take another look at that bottle before it was too late. It was shaped like a beer bottle and I saw through the glass darkly but I couldn't quite make out the label as I had passed by though it seemed a pleasant one. "But you're not supposed to be concerned with labels, only what's inside." Hell, who's got time to look inside? Stupid damn bottle, I got a bad feeling about you!

The longer I sat there the more it bugged me. By the time I was through fixing the internet I was reduced to all caps and angry emoticons. "I just gotta go check on that damn bottle!" Sure enough, the goddam thing had tipped over and spilled, dripping off the table onto the living room carpet. And it wasn't beer in there but red ink!

I rushed over to pick it up but the bottle wouldn't budge from its position. I'm grabbing it with both hands trying to pull it off the table but it's like it's been welded to the table and the table's been welded to the floor. WTF! And the damn ink won't stop flowing out, it just keeps coming and coming like there's no end to it. "See what happens when you ignore things!"

All sorts of thoughts and emotions start running through my head. Who put the bottle there? How the hell did it get knocked over. No time to blame, have to get it fixed. But I'm pissed beyond belief! I just want to strangle someone. If I can't stop this ink from spreading all over my house I'm completely screwed.

If nothing else I at least have to mitigate it. So I call a carpenter to see what I can do to salvage my home. While waiting for him to come over I'm seething as I watch the fricking ink keep coming and coming without any explanation. Who would even think up such an object? I try smashing it with a hammer but only the hammer breaks. I'd never felt so confounded in my life.

My my, look who's been nominated to run the Fed!

But instead of the carpenter showing up a walrus comes in his place. He waves aside my concerns. "Don't worry. I know everything the carpenter does. You need new carpet." I explain to him I realize I need new carpet but I need to address the issue of the spilling ink and find a way to safeguard my home in the meantime.

"Oh, hell!" complains the walrus. "You just want to fix everything, don't ya? You one of them there extremists letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. I should know, people voted me the good."

"If you can't see the flow of ink must be stopped then you're one willfully ignorant jack ass!"

"If you can't see the carpet needs changin' then YOU one willfully ignorant jack ass!"

"Of course it needs changing but there's a reason why it is the way it is and that needs to be addressed. Can't you connect the dots?"

"That's not for me to figure out. There's any of a thousand reasons why carpet needs changing. You can keep your stupid dots and fancy theories. I'll stick to reality!"

"Look. If I change the carpet without stopping the ink the new carpet will get ruined all over again."

"You don't know that! I won't hold for such negative thinking. I'm here to bring hope and change and you shit all over it. If you'd just support me we'd get this problem licked."

"You really do think you're a messiah, don't you?"

"I find it most convenient."

"I tell you what's not convenient and it's this bottomless bottle. It's got to be stopped and I don't even know how it got here!"

"Oh, I know! I know! You're such a dummy. The ink people got a law passed in the middle of the night saying every house has to have a bottomless bottle in it."

"That's insane!"

"I'm here to uphold all the laws I like so that's just tough. The world needs ink more than it needs you and I'm here to save the world!"

"But your saving it is wrecking it."

"Nobody can reason with you, can they? That's what you your problem is. You think you have all the answers and won't compromise. See what I've accomplished by compromise?? You can thank me now."

"Thank you?? For what? For ruining my home and every other home in the country? You'd be more useful as walrus blubber."

"I'll have you know the ink people lobbied for two bottles in every home but I made a Grand Bargain for one."

"You dingleberry! It only takes one to ruin a home! You obligingly let those ink people sucker you and you all should be in jail."

"How dare you speak of my ink friends like that! They're good people who tremendously helped my political career, making me the walrus I am today."

"What's so important about being a walrus? I don't want this damn ink in my home!"

"You're just being selfish, not thinking of my greater good. I'm on the right side of history. And it doesn't matter what you say or think: I am the walrus, goo goo goo joob!!"

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,

"Is what we chiefly need:

Pepper and vinegar besides

Are very good indeed--

Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,

We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,

Turning a little blue.

"After such kindness, that would be

A dismal thing to do!"

"The night is fine," the Walrus said.

"Do you admire the view?

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:

"I deeply sympathize."

With sobs and tears he sorted out

Those of the largest size,

Holding his pocket-handkerchief

Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,

"You've had a pleasant run!

Shall we be trotting home again?'

But answer came there none--

And this was scarcely odd, because

They'd eaten every one.