I read about this lunacy of Bible editing over at HuffPo and marveled at how once again true life has trumped even the best satirical minds. It's just difficult to make one sink so low and to think so little of one's fellow man. Is it possible to underestimate a conservative?
But just what do conservatiff mean? It means simply, "no faith". Those without faith become conservative. And those without faith are the ones farthest from God - and therefore have the most need to proclaim God's blessing. Ergo, you get crap like this: people who want to re-write the world so as to "prove" God loves them. Faithless is as faithless does.
There are advantages to my lowlife existence in that I can pretty much get in anywhere - as long as I'm willing to clean up the joint. People will install million dollar security systems but by God they ain't hauling out their own trash. The human heart is a vault that can always be cracked if you listen for the right combination. Anywho, I did get a sneak peek at these "warriors for the word" and here's a few of the rewrites I found:
But just what do conservatiff mean? It means simply, "no faith". Those without faith become conservative. And those without faith are the ones farthest from God - and therefore have the most need to proclaim God's blessing. Ergo, you get crap like this: people who want to re-write the world so as to "prove" God loves them. Faithless is as faithless does.
There are advantages to my lowlife existence in that I can pretty much get in anywhere - as long as I'm willing to clean up the joint. People will install million dollar security systems but by God they ain't hauling out their own trash. The human heart is a vault that can always be cracked if you listen for the right combination. Anywho, I did get a sneak peek at these "warriors for the word" and here's a few of the rewrites I found:
New REAL Ten Commandments:
1. I am the Lord your God (Which means us Christians should be in charge of everything!)
2. You shall have no other gods before me (keep holy the dollar to rule all life!)
3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God (God only loves us. Don't you dare use his name to say he loves you!)
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy (never pay overtime for Sundays)
5. Honor your father and mother (and remember we're your daddy!)
6. You shall not commit adultery (while running for re-election)
7. You shall not steal (You shall pass laws to make it legal first. God bless the banks and bailouts. Amen.)
8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (unless your neighbor interferes with the worship of your money god, e.g. heathen environmentalists)
9. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife (Your immigrant maid is another story)
10. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor (There's no need to covet once you swindle all the worldly goods from your neighbor and they become yours. Give all to the church!)
I don't have to care
because God hates you!
Jesus also has his moniker changed to "Supply Side Jesus" and praises the temple money changers for the synergy of combining church and business, hailing them for thinking outside the box (Apparently the new Jesus loves generic corporate phrases). Jesus also praises the tax collectors for hoarding their money to let it trickle down to the poor. Later he chastises a woman who gives her final two bits to charity, accusing of her of wanting to be a welfare queen.
There's also new psalms like: "Turn your back on the poor, the needy, the oppressed - for they have failed to worship the one true money god and their suffering is just. Make them your slaves and dispose of them as you wish." Well, I knew they were gonna work immigration reform in there somewhere.
Also, after Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt, he then warns them not to get any bright ideas about unionization. He goes on to state that once Pharaoh becomes "too big to fail", it would be their duty to stay on and support him - even at the cost of their own lives.
One passage that caused much grating with these torchbearers for truth was that of "turning swords into plowshares". At first they were going to nuke it ("Obvious typo!") but then decided to reverse it to say plowshares should be beaten into swords and a "great profit shall be derived for God". How patriotic to give the military industrial complex some legitimacy.
But these agitators for avarice virtually exploded at the end, screaming red-faced, "Take it out! Take it out! Protect our 401k! God must heed our will!" Then they ripped the page from the good book and called my unholy (i.e. poor) ass over to "burn it in the depths of hell." I told them that was my plan already. Here is what caused so much consternation:
"I warn everyone who hears the words of prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book. And if anyone takes away words from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in the book."
The joy of rediscovering you
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