"Hey, Lady, Bite My Biscuit!"

"Hey, lady, bite my biscuit!"

Then, in what must have been a moment of true madness, I launched the remaining two bites of my treasured bacon and egg McMuffin at my blonde enemy. Looking back, I have wondered what kind of scene that made had I been an impartial third party observer. Not a pretty sight, I'm sure. But the bitch got under my skin, reminding me of everything I'm not.

I have many triggering subjects, one the most sensitive being asking me what I do for a living. I don't do anything for a living! I do for money, only. Yes, it's a motherfreaking nightmare I don't expect you simple sots to understand. Your lack of understanding does not alleviate my suffering, however. I truly wish and pray for the death of this planet each and every day and it is my most fervent hope and desire. Old Testament scripture on the fall of Babylon is a joy for me to read.

Blondie has it made in this world but perhaps she knows deep down that it's really a lie, after all. But for the likes of her, everything breaks her way because she's invested in the status quo everyone wants to keep going. Still, chunking my tasty McMuffin definitely was a case of spiting my face by cutting off my nose. I knew, but I still couldn't stop it. I just had to drive her away any way I could - or so I thought at the time.

Food of the gods!

Just to be clear, I almost never buy fast food. It's a poor way of spending my food budget no matter how many delicious Whoppers are out there calling my name. I do succumb to the siren song on occasion but I'm beat down with waves of guilt. March 2, however, is National Egg McMuffin Day and you can get a FREE one that morning. I was a happy boy when I heard the news even though deep inside something (rightly) told me it was too good to be true. Never crossed my mind I'd be the one to destroy it but God is an inventive fucker when it comes to sabotage.

Also, like I said, Blondie has the world at her feet, getting all the breaks, so when I started publicly berating her on that downtown street corner, a cop comes to rescue her from the smelly old homeless dude who's ruining life for everyone with his mere existence. Next thing I know I'm sitting in the back seat of a squad car (though not hauled in, luckily) getting a talking to until Blondie is safely out of the picture. For the life of me, I was not able to explain my motivations. I stammered God knows what and tried to sound sorry even though not a particle of my being actually was. Damn, what a shitty morning, and I'd been looking forward to that egg McMuffin all week. I just want to die.

EARLIER THAT MORNING:

It was bone cold, frostbite nipping at my heels. I was one of the first ones in the J Erik Jonsson library here in downtown Dallas. I settled into what I thought was a safe spot out of the way as I warmed up and reflected on my state of the union - as is cursed to happen when I can no longer deny my misery. The weight of the heavy sorrow of a life not lived descended on me as I opened myself up to the scrutiny of Heaven. I came up wanting - again. My health is declining and I feel this is the last calendar year of my presence. I can tell no one.

There's tired and then there's eroding. What's eroded does not come back. I can't stop coughing and sanctuary is nowhere to be found. The work I do is as all work: boring, humiliating, and soul crushing. One can only "endure" for so long. I do not judge the criminals among us who are so to survive. The world itself is a criminal enterprise. But I never gave life a fair chance. With love, truly anything is possible. Without it, there's only despair and futility. Love, though, is beyond my reach, hidden among the twinkling stars. I live wrapped in a blanket of shame and that's feeble protection on the mean streets of poverty.

I did manage to scrape up an inner smile in my gallows humor of the morn. I heard the story of a guy who claimed he had Caronavirus when he got arrested causing five Dallas cops to be quarantined. Hilarious! Maybe I could put my coughing to use as a weapon against the popo, I figured. (No, I had neither the presence of mind nor the nerve to do that when I actually did have my encounter later that morning.) I was actually a little proud of myself at being able to find a grin in my sea of gloom. Then princess Blondie shows up right on cue.

I hear an "Oh, my God!" under her breath as she walks by and I had the usual self-debate if that was referring to me or not. Lordy, with the constant flow of shit in the world I never find time for myself. Just my luck Blondie had business in the remote corner that I picked but these encounters seem to be preordained. I decided to ride out the storm giving no clue as to my inner turmoil and let her pass out of my life. But she wasn't having it.

Carrying her reference book on her way back past me, she snidely remarks with heaping disdain without looking at me or breaking her stride: "What do you, stink for a living?"

As always in these situations, I looked around to see if anyone had noticed her or me. No one had - not even God. Sometimes I struggle keeping up appearances and I do let myself go more than I want but I just don't have the energy to do otherwise. Apparently, this was one of those times. The whole of my soul looked to escape and slink out the building as unnoticed as possible. That familiar sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach has to be hidden at all costs, seeking refuge to lick my wounds. But she really ticked me off.

Blondie was the living stereotype of an insulated yuppie ensconced in her let-them-eat-cake BMW paradise curiously musing why everyone isn't as successful as she is but no doubt it's because they don't have the guts or work ethic she does. She had blessed herself divine, case closed. Ergo, I must be worthless scum invading her blessed domain, case closed. But on my way out, I just had to reopen it.

"Hey, lady, want to smell my armpit?"

"Fuck you," came the swift and immediate reply; no remorse, no hesitation, no compunction.

I did dare to scrutinize her face as I continued my fearful exit and the cross look on her face truly gave me a moment of pleasure. Didn't have to wonder who pissed in her Cheerios! I think I actually cracked a smile at her which really incensed the princess - as I was to find out. Back outside, I hesitated, trying to remember an important item. Oh, yeah! Free egg McMuffin day! I would use that to cheer me up then later on go through the monumental chore of getting myself pristine and presentable so no more Blondies could attack me.

"That's him, over there," I heard her voice behind me, pointing me out to a security guard. I took off running, rounding the corner quick as I could to put them off the scent.

Safe in a back alley, my chest was heaving. I wanted to cry but I know there's no room for tears on the streets. In emergency mode, I decided to bluff my way into a hotel lobby and make my way to the always nice public restroom and clean myself up best I could. I was filled with paranoia I'd run into the same derision at McDonald's if I didn't get clean. I felt the whole world was against me so I wasn't going leave anything to chance.

Walking out of the McDonalds I was relieved as hell as I was not singled out as someone who did not deserve a free McMuffin. Victory tasted sweet! But to my horror who do I see but Blondie! She stops, recognizing me while talking on her phone - no doubt telling her snooty friends about our encounter. Then, phone still up to her ear, she unbelievably waves at me and shouts, "Hey, stinky!" My street brethren and various wanderers from the nearby Greyhound station take giggling pleasure in my public disgracing. Blondie turns her back on me and crosses the street. Vexed to the core I follow and, well, you know the rest.

It's been a couple of days with time to reflect. Truth be told I wanted Blondie in all her shallow chic. I want to be an entitled arrogant asshole strutting my way through the shit show of this world. Fuck! I hate always losing. Now I'm left only with another impossible prayer as a solution: Dear McDonalds, please have another free egg McMuffin day. I promise not to fuck it up this time.

Like I said, with love, anything is possible