A Back Pocket Love

The last two years had been tough, really tough. Pushed to the brink of darkness, to stare into the abyss of bad karma, had scared the living daylights out of her. Two years that aged her like ten. Like a speeding bullet of pain and death whizzing perilously by, she dodged the day of judgement. She had not known if her present day of breath was even to be.

Greed like a dark virus had infested the land and she waited on pins and needles to hear both the prognosis - and worse - the cure. She and her banking husband were dependent on the greed to maintain not only a luxuriously accustomed life but also the priceless approval it purchased. Bound and helpless in desire to keep riding the wave of false fortune, they never bothered to learn to swim were the wave to finally come crashing down.

So please, dear Lord, don't let the wave crash. I promise I'll learn to swim. This time I mean it. I've never been so scared in my life!

Unfortunately, greed was made to live another day - upping the inevitable price - buying her time to rot, as was her way. Over the years she had molted, from a butterfly to a colorless moth. She told herself it was OK, she still had her back pocket love to bail her out, her secret ace in the hole. This was her get-out-of-jail-free card to play, to bring back all the colors she'd lost. And now, having narrowly missed the whistling bullet of doom, she dreamed of her Maker's love once more.

No, no! Only go UP!

"He said I was his Fantasy Girl." She surprised herself, still blushing even after all these years. By now his love had become a whitewashed myth. "He wrote a book for me. In the end he said it was all about reaching out for me and my love." She cocked her head. "It was..." Emotion interrupted her. Had she screwed up her life as badly as she suddenly realized?

"He sounds like a dream," confirmed her friend. "I wonder what happened to him. You know, if he really needs you..."

No! He couldn't have needed me! Maybe wanted, but not needed. I was needed in my marriage. He ended up...oh, my...if he's alone, dreaming of me...what have I done? Has my whole life been a fraud? Is that what I'm to find on judgement day? That's just too horrible to face!

"Who knows about these things. I was married. You never really know what someone really feels." But you do know. "What can I do about it now, right?"

"What do you think would happen if you called him?" Her friend had been strong for her, saying words she dare not utter.

"Oh, I couldn't do that! Could I?" Please talk me into it!

"Of course you can! He might be living every day for that phone call. Maybe you'd change his life!" Her friend played her role well.

"Don't be silly! He's probably long forgotten me."

"You never forget a Fantasy Girl, the girl of your dreams. A girl you wrote a book about! Come on, girl, you know I'm right!"

Yes! Yes! Please let it be true! God let me slide on the greed - something I thought would never happen - so maybe He saved me for my back pocket love. After all, I promised to learn to swim! Time to cash in my ticket?



Her girlfriend continued: "Let's call him! You only live once! It might change your life too!"

Yes, it might end it. I might not really have anything left in my back pocket after all. But she’d had been gifted this time, this window of opportunity, and deep in her heart she knew one day that window would close for good and she'd be left with nothing but her lies and selfish religion; back to the gaping abyss that nearly swallowed her alive. Anything was better than that.

"Oh, I don't know..." She was talking herself into it and her friend let her. "I mean, what would I say? I'd just make a fool of myself."

"He sent you a whole book! Did you say anything then? Think how he felt about that."

"He didn't expect me to respond. He knew..." He knew what? That I was living a lie. I can't let anyone know that. Not even God. Most of all God! But this is the time to do something different. And dare I say it even to the wind? I think he still wants me. We were two kindred spirits. We completed each other. We just could never be.

Her silence was too long. Maybe she was changing her mind. "Look, just say what ya want. Time for calling is only going to get worse. Let's do it right now!" Her friend was a romantic, wanting to see a storybook ending in real life.

"Now!?" Can I please? "No, not now! I've got things to do!"

"Like what? You said you know what city he lives in - "

" - maybe he's moved - "

"So let's track him down once and for all. Time to make a move, girl! What's it going to hurt?"

My eternal heart, that's what."Well, if you think so..."

"I do!"



Her heart pounded with an ancient electricity. Yes, this is the right thing to do! When was the last time I felt this excited? Oh, if only all life could be like this! He hadn't moved, they found out. His number was listed, no obstacle remained but her pulsing fear. Shit!

"I can't believe I'm doing this!" She laced her words with doubt but her feelings wanted to cry out, thanking the gods for making this happen. Life was love with me, he said. I must honor that! This will even the books for keeping him in my back pocket for all this time. Oh my God! It's ringing! Maybe he won't be home! Please don't/do be!

"Hello." He sounds dead. Because he needed me and never had me? No, I'm imagining things. Could just be a bad day at work or something. A thousand things, but not a useless existence without me? Oh hush, listen to yourself. He might have ten girlfriends. That wouldn't add up, though...

"Hello??" Answer before it's too late!

"Hello? Is this Harry?" What a stupid thing to say! But I gotta make sure, don't I? Can't spill my guts out to just anybody. It's him. I can feel it! I feel so alive!

"Who's this?"

"It's me, Debby. I...wanted to call." Lamers! I'm talking like I'm back in high school.

"Debby? Really?" He doesn't hate me! "I can't believe this! You drunk or something?"

He's still the same, got that sharp wit. I don't want to get cut by it! It may never heal. Is he actually saying I shouldn’t have called? I must keep a positive mental attitude. "No, " she winced. "I was thinking about you...I wanted to talk." That's better. More honest. This is so hard - but so right.

"Talk? Aren't you still married with two kids?"

Damn him! This is no time for facts! He's talking like one of those reforming liberals. "Yes, but...it's OK. I'm alone. We can talk all we want." Weak! It's like you need permission to talk. He won't go for that.

He chuckled softly. "You're not my friend. Why'd I want to hang out with your whored-out ass?"



She froze in immortal terror. You fool! You big-headed fool! You took him for granted. And you're nothing now. Nothing anyone would want. Now he knows I have no colors, I'm not what I used to be. Oh, you idiot! How could you have showed yourself like this? The one thing I swore I'd never do. And he's right. We should be friends first, like we were back when we dreamed in each other's eyes. What's going to happen to me now?

The sound of the disgusted dial tone made her feel as if she was spinning end over end through outer space untethered from all she held dear. Wasted. My whole life's been wasted. Can't be! Don't let them know. You've got children.

"What's he saying? Tell me!"

How do I hide this, the lowest moment of my life? I had chance after chance over the years to break free. There's no forgiving me now. Not after this. Then she fainted.

He stared at the recently disconnected phone. What an asshole to call me like that! Like I'm her private toy. Was a time that phone call would have saved my life. But I'm nothing now anyway, no life left in me, the colors all drained out. I thought we were a love story for the ages. How can I escape the black abyss now?

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