Headlines Deadlines

I knew who she was. I mean, I didn't know her name, but I knew her. Pretty blonde talking nonstop on her pink encased iPhone about her latest social media conquest and how the universe is her oyster and blah, blah, blah. Hard to believe I'd be the only who'd want to kill her.

It was just us two at the rail station. She completely ignored me which is what I wanted but then again I didn't. Shoving her out onto the tracks in front of that oncoming train was just a reaction inside me, a murderous impulse whose single purpose and desire was total annihilation and destruction - just like a Trump voter. It's like, how long can you ignore an itch that needs to be scratched? That was my first reply anyway.

"This is a serious thing," inquisitioned Lt. Bertrand in an incredibly boring interrogation room. "You think this is a joke, you got another think coming. You know how many years you're looking at?"

For some reason, the more serious a situation, the more flip I become. I wanted to say, "More years than it will take for you to get hair back on that bald head of yours." Instead, I toned it down. "I'm serious. It was like an itch I had to scratch."

"And you're telling me you had no previous relationship with Ms. Miller."

"Never laid eyes on her before. She was just yapping on the phone about that blog of hers."

"What about her blog, then?"

"I don't know. Just sounded real annoying. Dallas hot spots and shit like that. Do I look like I got money for all that?"

"So basically, you heard her talking about her blog, got angrier and angrier, then finally pushed her off the platform. Is that it?"

MAN PUSHES WOMAN TO HER DEATH DUE TO HATING HER BLOG!

"Some men just can't stand to see a successful woman. Sexism, pure and simple. Bet he'd have killed himself if Hillary had become President!"

"I just found his blog and it's nothing but complaining about how nobody reads his crap. Loser!"

"He never would have done this had it been a man on the phone! Men are supposed to be successful. Nobody gets mad when they brag."

Day Two:

"OK, OK, it was more than just her blog talk. She was really cute and had that jogging outfit on just like this girl I knew, Terry, who used to wear that exact same thing. It was the last thing I ever saw her in. I screwed up real bad. I'm ashamed of it to this day and it kills me. I guess because I had Terry on my mind it triggered something. I didn't want anyone to know how monumentally stupid I had been."

MAN PUSHES WOMAN TO HER DEATH DUE TO REMINDING HIM OF HIS EX!

"What's wrong with men? They just can't let go! There's, like, tons of guys who never got over me."

"It's the obsessive compulsive nature of the male ego that brings on these moments of peak psychological torment aggravated by a starved libido in a competitive society."

"I'd call this the ultimate #metoo moment. Killed just for being a woman! Know your worth, ladies!"

Day Three:

"You guys keep searching for a connection. You're wasting your time. I can't tell you the real reason because you'd never believe me so may as well make something up."

"Tell us anyway. You won't get any peace until you do."

"It was her yellow clothes. Wasn't just any yellow, you see, it was that right exact shade I can't stand. I just snapped. What can I say?"

"You're right. I don't believe you."

MAN PUSHES WOMAN TO HER DEATH DUE TO HER WEARING YELLOW!

"This is what it means to be a woman in today's society! You're not allowed to be yourself! You have to wear men's clothes and men's colors or you literally get killed!"

"I think we need to start a yellow clothes wearing protest movement showing we are not afraid to stand up to these kinds of bullies. Yellow power forever!"

"Whole world is going to hell. We need armed guards 24 hours a day on every public platform to keep us safe. There's no other way or we'll all be dead for no reason!"

Day Four:

"Look, dildo breath, I did it because I'm dying inside and I need help. No one will listen to me! It had to be someone everybody liked. Nobody would have cared if it'd been some homeless dude or something. It was a cry for help. I'm sorry."

"We saw you on the videotape leaning over the edge after you pushed her off as if you were saying something. What exactly did you say?

"I said, 'Welcome to the world'."

STORM TO HIT ENTIRE MIDWEST TOMORROW!