Hiding In Berlin

I'm done. Finished. At my wit's end. Tired of banging my head day after day. Time to move on.

But to where? I don't want to be anything anymore. I just want to wait it out unseen and unknown until the pale rider comes. I miss her too much to do much anything else.

Berlin is not really a destination. It's more like a giant airport lounge where you get wasted while your flight is delayed. You know sooner or later you have to get out but in the meantime...you simply devolve, trapped in a nihilistic time warp.

It's the perfect place to be nothing. People like to drop their masks here. Even those with a facade seem to do so with a knowing wink. So I'm not troubled by a need to be pleasant and liked as in America. Yes, it's wrong to fade away - but here I've got numbers on my side.

The food sucks. It is, in a word, heavy. I'm constantly seeking out the lighter fare. I don't like any old world food, truth be told.

And they take all the fun out of sex. If nothing is forbidden, where's the fun? It's like how do you know you feel good when pain does not exist. It's all yin with no yang.

Speaking of the old world, I still feel disturbed terror deep in the Rhineland surrounded by dark Germanic forests. Takes me back to the times of wallowing hopelessness, living in Dark Ages squalor. We wondered why we even went on. What was there to live for? I admit, hidden deep inside was a wild streak of optimism of undiscovered magic in the world that even wretches like us could find.

It turned out to be true and the Renaissance times I still hold dear. But Europe finally became a smell I could no longer endure. It still stinks to my nose whenever I return.

I don't go to the infamous clubs, but I drive by and wander around them to absorb the vibes. Sometimes I think I'm hearing a heart whose beats are getting farther and farther apart.

Even under the golden rays of summer Berlin has a blue-gray tinge to it that suits my present mood. In winter times like now, it simply drowns in it. Nighttime makes it terrifying.

I'm trying not to think too much. Some things need to unfold and here I can do it in complete privacy even in public. I want to cry, mourning my life.

From afar, America seems like a red hot boil spitting up acid reflux, too self-involved to ponder her fate. It is certainly a relief to be out of that though highly frustrating I can't make every American feel this perspective.

So I sit and wait...for nothing. It's amazing the depth of blackness here. Late night on my bed I think of the bars and clubs I passed by before, imagining myself inside, losing control, reaching the limits of the universe. I don't have to beg permission or stand in line to get in like the others. Just knowing I can do it is enough. If they ended the clubs it would kill me even having never stepped a foot inside.

In the quiet moments my heart is pounding. Bourdain said there are ghosts in Berlin and I feel every one of them. I wonder how the locals live with them. Maybe they just become part of the fabric of existence, in the background of everyday life.

I know very little German so I'm not distracted by voices. In fact, the one mental exercise I sometimes do is to guess people's meaning just by their tone and inflection. Rest of the time the voices are like a distant soundtrack I can turn off and on as I please.

I feel very fragile. I bought a monk's robe to keep my frowns hidden. Everything is set up for me to relax but if I give in that...I can't help but feel a thousand intrusions will come crashing in. It's like having the weight of the world on you and if you relax for even a moment it crushes you. I'm a wight in this world.

Where will this lead? Who can move forward in life waiting in an airline lounge? One thing has dawned on me is of the pointlessness of so many of my "goals". They are goals that don't actually achieve anything. Yes, getting a good drunk on every once in a while can be a good thing but to make that your goal...

"Stay distracted" has become my mantra over time. I see how ridiculous that is as a goal, but I don't want to face anything either. I just want to stay on this anonymous German bed for now. It's when no one can see me I need you to look at me the most.