Goupil: Anatomy Of A Blackmare

Something like this can happen anytime I close my eyes,
day or night...

i have triggers...in movie i see it say chicago university "where fun goes to die"...i did hit there once and hear that phrase...i felt guilty but that not stop hit...felt i was killing fun for others...i was cause for phrase...so after seeing in movie that start my blackmare...descent has begun...

it was spring and everything was beautiful but me...i wanted to be part of that green campus and those kids...no one on outside looking at me focusing only on assembling gun ever guess i think of that...so that aching come back years later now...hurting me...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

next thing i know i'm back in paris on metro...it's when my first feelings of not belonging start...why not kill them if they don't want me?...always feeling they can have something i can not...roots of anger, a killer is born...years and years think i'm justified...like a mad passion...never wanting to admit i was cheating myself...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

many blurry scenes...feeling out of control...world is swirling...man calls me mr. precision...i latch onto any identity, any approval...was looking and searching...searching for what?...running away...on the run...merde!, merde! merde!...always think in french remembering those times...frustration building...catches me when eyes beg to shut...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

too much russian talk in news...please stop flashbacks!!!!!!!!!!!!...i'm back on train through urals in winter...heater breaks, barely working...all passengers bundled up, trapped...i couldn't enjoy spectacular icy landscape so angry...still not over it...was angry about being cheated!...finally had someone to blame not me...but still could have enjoyed if wanted...just wanted someone else to blame for misery for once...but that was me cheating me again...mired on runaway train...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

oh, damn...the woman with smokey eyes...part of me still in backroom of russian club...i resist then but surrender now...she still have piece of my soul...she know that, invading my dreams...russian subway dream always black and white...europe, america in color...but russia pulls me back...that feeling in subway car...generations of being watched and surveillance...felt like i was in tube with dogs that can turn any minute...repressed...only good inside was unreal streak of light and hope for them...couldn't get it out...maybe they be angry with me, loose inner dog...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

smokey woman comes back...cannot escape her...she not child woman but full woman...rare, so hard to find...knows her true female power...never blame men for state of her life...asking me again if i want to please her...she knows what missing from life of killer...how many men has she lured before...i thought that in french, was tiny thread that save me...i said no then but surrender now...i know they have sex tape of american president...she was mob woman...i was to make hit then be hit...american senator got caught (him still there haunting me), wanting evidence destroyed...i was evidence too...disposable...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

still torn...never whole...curves behind her clinging black dress!...please stop talking about russia...please stop sending me back...see her smile..."don't you want to please me?"...to please a woman like that!...i never get over...hard beat of music from main room bleeding through...still see her soft, delicate hand...holding pig nose for me to put on...step through door and she will unburden you...how many men before, i keep asking myself, how many men before...i tell her i'll be right back, just let me get money...then run on russian subway...

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me

lady coming out of her new york townhouse...real lady in the real world...i must apologize, make amends...she doesn't want to hear it...i assume...she goes down through door underground to get where she needs to go...i can't just chase after her...i must deceive...thinking in french...there's a hole i can jump into...i can swim through the pipes to get ahead of her and then pretend we are running into each other...can't be seen chasing...moving along in dark pipes, just enough air up top...but then get lost...CAN'T GET OUT...water rises!...no way back!...buried alive! buried alive!

That's when I wake up screaming, heart pounding, seeing only black before me. The deeper the sleep the deeper the scream. Must stay awake at all times. Movie assassins never cry. Real life ones can't stop.

please stop hurting me, please stop hurting me