Crashing The (Presidential) Pearly Gates

Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; 
I have not come to bring peace, but to divide. 
For I have come to turn ‘A man against his father, 
a daughter against her mother, 
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.'

An angel approached St. Peter, who was rubbing his sore elbow.

"Hey, Petey, what's the matter?"

"Oh, every time they carpet bomb those ISIS fighters I really get a workout pulling this lever. 612 in a row this time."

"Any of them make it in?"

"Are you kidding? Those guys are fanatics. 'I want my 72 virgins and a Maserati!'. First thing out of their mouth every time. I ask them why they think they would get that and they invariably reply some other human told them it was so. But when I inform them they won't receive those things in Heaven they insist this must then not be Heaven! That's when they demand the other option. Those boys really have no clue what's in their best interest."

"I gotta admit your job really sucks. Those ISIS guys sound like the most twisted lot yet."

"Oh, no. Wall Street traders are the worst, they feel so entitled. They tell you up front they'd rather be greedy in Hell than share in Heaven."

Then appeared the man who felt more entitled than any other. "Damn! I thought I'd hear Presidential music playing as I approached the gates. I mean, there should be some sort of ceremony. After all, I was the leader of the free world. Woo-hoo!"

"Greetings, American President. I was just rummaging through your record as a murderer."

"Presidents don't kill people! Never laid a hand on anyone in my life."

"Hitler never laid hands on a Jew. How do you think it went for him?"

"That's different! I'm the Good Guy. It's OK for the Good Guy to kill. I was protecting my country!"

"Still goes down as murder."

"Truthfully, I would revise that if I were you. That's a very divisive ruling! People need to feel safe."

"If only I had been nicer we could have united..."

"The truth is the truth."

"Would you stop saying that! I say this for your own good. If you want people to join you - to be elected, so to speak - then you must bend to the will of the people. It's imperative that the Good Guy be in power above all else. Any transgressions done in the name of doing of that are forgivable because the final net effect of goodness. Isn't that great how that works out!"

"I also see you created a monster tax to fund corporate greed rather than quell the greed itself. This is after saying you'd never do that before getting elected. So now we have murder and betrayal and lying."

"A perfect example, my good friend! Had I not done that then I, the Good Guy, would have never been elected. One must learn to be pragmatic. Nobody's getting elected if they stifle greed. And what good could I have possibly done never being elected??"

"Might have done your soul a world of good. Murder, greed, and lying serve no one. I'm sorry if you deceived yourself into thinking otherwise."

"But I was the President! Those rules don't apply to me. What does it gain a man to lose an election but win his soul?"

"All I have is the truth."

"And I have superior polling numbers! I can assure you, good sir, that this message of yours will not sell well and is a complete waste of time to discuss. You expect perfection! We cannot let perfection be the enemy of the good."

"I sell nothing and I expect nothing."

"Then I must inform you that a divided house cannot stand! United we stand. And I am a unifier!"

"Heaven and hell cannot exist together."

"Sir, you are like a child living in a fantasy world of idealism. You have no understanding. One must negotiate, compromise, learn the art of creating solutions (insert applause). Defeatism will get you nowhere. One must promise hope, bring good and evil together to find the common ground."

"Is that why you committed so many murders?"

"Look, if just one of those assholes had attacked us on my watch I'd have been crucified! Damn right I bombed their ass if they dare badmouth us. If innocents die along the way that's OK because everyone knows that's the rules of war. Keep hope alive!"

"Well, not nicer to them!"

"There is no hope in hell."

"Because you've never tried! You're not a realist nor do you have grand aspirations as I do. I can bring every soul in hell to heaven. You must learn to be nicer to evil! To do otherwise would be to say I murdered, deceived, and capitulated as some sort of lost delusional soul without a clue to reality - and we all know that can't be the case since I was a cool, hip President."

"Are you really sure you want to do this? Every politician makes this same speech to me."

"I have a dream!"

"You have something," muttered Peter as he yanked the lever. "Worst part with these politicians is they have to insult your intelligence before they insist on being sent to hell to "validate" their ways. Morons ever gained a sense of irony they might just make it through the gates."