I Need A New God

Wandering through the deep forest that is life is its own sort of blindness. Do I go left, right, forwards, backwards - or hell, which way even is forward?? I'd had enough of the wandering, of homes lost and homes destroyed, of homes vanishing like a mirage in the desert. I just wanted out. I knew leaving the open road was risky, but that path seemed too long and too exposing of my life. Slumping against a tree and sliding to the ground I longed for a shortcut out of this morass. But who or what could ever bring me such a thing?

In my hour of need a penned this poem:

Roaming lands dark and dire,

Nowhere safe in bankrupt shire;

Hell's agents wreak dead man's lust,

Victims' pleas ground to dust;

Priceless heart drips worldly stain,

Splintered trees bend rife with pain;

Shivering by consuming fire,

What woeful deeds these times sire;

This is the end - by burdens crushed,

Who or what or where to trust?

"Jesus, I need a new god," I moaned, opening myself to the universe which never fails to give.

"I have a new god," hissed the ragged forest witch. "One like never before, not like the old ways. This one is modern, unseen before by human eyes. There's no more need for the dark mystic forest."

She had stepped out from the corner of my eye as if she'd been behind the tree just waiting for my arrival. I did not question her presence then though now it seems mighty curious to me. At the time, it seemed the most natural thing in the world for her to appear at that moment.

"They finally found an answer?" I hoped against hope.

"Yes," she confirmed with her craggly green smile, "the search is finally over." Music to my ears! But looking back, I realize she'd have said yes no matter what I asked.

"What's the catch? Every god has its price."

"The catch is like anything new: you must accept it. To not accept is to be left behind. Many are those who will cling to old ways and outdated concepts. It is fear that rules their lives. They cannot change."

Dear God Jesus, I do not want that to be me! Not that I could let the witch know but fear surely had ruled my life. Time I did something about it. My instincts spoke out against the shabby witch and her feculent karma but I knew in these modern times they say one must be tolerant - even of evil. So I swallowed my pain, letting my head rule my devious heart. What good had my feelings ever done me anyway? I was always too afraid to face them.

As if she were reading my mind, she knew my answer before I spoke, smiling at me and waving her bent finger to point me towards that which I wanted most: a direction. We trudged deeper into the mystic forest with excited thoughts electrifying my mind. An answer! At long last a fucking answer! No more confusion or agonizing over every little fucking decision! Sweet, sweet clarity. I can know I'm doing right!

Again, the witch read my mind, turning around with that inverted frown smile of hers, pleased with my reaction like a crack dealer watching a first time user. That set off all sorts of warning flags but I let my head rule with an iron grip despite the pain it caused my irrational feelings. Who am I to say I know everything? What answers have I? People are out there leading much smarter lives than I am. Shut up, stupid feelings! You can't argue with that.

I heard a rustling of leaves ahead and I nearly bolted in the unfounded panic it caused.

"Relax," calmed the witch, "it's merely General Giggle."

"General Giggle? He sounds very serious!" I realized after saying it I was trying to brainwash myself.

"Exactly!" warned the witch, raising her finger in the air like an arrow. "That's why he's considered the most serious man in the world!"

I hate to repeat myself but, damn if that didn't make sense to me at the time. Ignoring the witch, a runty little man in green with his oversized white moustache fairly danced his way over to me in either the most delusional or confident manner I'd ever seen since an American idol tryout.

"Are you from Texas? You are from Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas and you don't look like no steer to me! Haha! I got to call you a queer! Giggle!"

What an annoying little shit! Didn't help I really was from Texas, either. With that self-satisfied soldier smirking in front of me I'd had all the repressions I could take and took a step forward to punch this Judy right in the mouth! The idget expected my move and stepped back.

"You can't backtalk or defy me in any way or I'll make you do push ups in the mud! Double giggle on that!"

I'd never hated anyone so much in my life! I felt like I was being driven to murder, or rather justifiable homicide according to how I felt. Apparently he caught the murderous look in my eye as he held up a picture of tall burning buildings like a cross to a vampire.

"Stand back! Neither a traitor nor truth-teller be! I'm in charge of national insecurity! My god is the biggest god in the land. I can lie, cheat and steal and no one can question me! It's glorious! Glorious! Double triple giggle forever!"

His whole body started shaking with the uncontainable laughter of the hyper-absurdity of the situation. But this man who was supposed to be in control of everything lost more and more control as the ridiculousness he craved devoured him to the point where all he could do was laugh until he was helpless as a turtle on its back. The witch, of all people, pulled me along.

"Don't worry, one day he'll laugh himself to death."

"He's not helping the world! All he wants to do is humiliate people!"

"As he humiliates himself. Our god is a better god."

"Even greater than national insecurity?"

"Most assuredly."

Shit, the witch really must be on to something if it's greater than national insecurity. You can rape people's kids and they won't say a word if you invoke that god. Heck you can blow them to pieces and have them say thank you. It's one powerful god! And mine is even better? Woohoo!

The woods drew thicker as we trudged along. It drew heavy on my wondering heart as I made uneasy steps.

"Don't worry," assured the witch. "It's rough because we travel the path less taken."

Ah, of course! Makes perfect sense to my head. Stupid heart! Why am I listening to its heaviness?

Then we heard voices - angry, angry voices. Lost boys' voices speaking to one another.

"Fucker!"

"Fucker!"

"Fucker!"

"Fucker!"

Not exactly riveting but cutting nonetheless. The witch froze in her tracks but I was laughing as the four boys turned to her.

"Witch! Kill the witch!"

It was like I wasn't even standing there.

"Witch bitch brings the glitch!"

"C'mon guys," I pleaded. "Give her a chance! These are enlightened times we're in now. Be nice to evil."

Again, it was like I wasn't even standing there.

"Foul-mouthed shrew with your witch's brew! Cut off her head to save the dead!"

At that point we could only flee deeper into the dense woods. When we caught our breath, I spoke.

"Catch my left-wing non-judgmental comment back there?"

"There's a difference between non-judgmental and lacking judgment," she hissed without an ounce of gratitude. I decided to change the subject as we resumed our journey to God knows where.

"So why have all the gods before failed but this one works?"

"Do not question or you'll end up like those lost boys back there, angry and full of spite."

"I didn't say I was going to stop following." Though when I said it I realized I wanted to. "Just saying there's gotta be a reason for it."

"The fate of a people is determined by how they treat their savior."

"But we crucified ours!"

"Exactly, so nothing can be easy after that. They thought they were getting rid of a problem but they only buried themselves deeper. So you see, we found out even if not pure one must respect the savior at all costs in order to ensure the best future."

Funny thing is, every time she said "savior" I felt she was talking about herself. I should respect her at all costs? Well, I guess that makes sense if she's going to save me.

"But how do I know I can even do what this god requires? I've always been inadequate to the task before. Never found a god that worked."

"That's because you were looking for shortcuts. There are no shortcuts, only the one true path."

"But I left that path when I entered the forest looking for a shortcut."

"And now you shall return to it."

"By going deeper into the woods? I don't understand."

"This is a god of mercy and understanding, one who does not punish. Trust me, your faith will be rewarded."

Evidently I was in a situation beyond my understanding. Frankly, it made my head hurt and my heart squeamish. This was my first taste of faith and I was thoroughly miserable. But I feared the witch's words even more than my pain were I to stop now. Just give it a chance. Keep moving forward. Right?

Thoughts and motion ceased as we stumbled upon the camp of the Unfeeling Wounded. Seeing us, they welcomed us with toothless smiles, extending distorted arms with twisted wrists.

"Welcome! Peace be with you. Come share in our goodness. We are followers of the One who makes all things good!"

Looking around at their warped and atrophied state, all I could think was: But you don't look that good to me! Yet, they seemed to have a peace I certainly lack. What am I missing??

"You have found the One?"

"He rose up from among us, blessing us, showing us the way. He gave meaning to our ways and purpose to our lives. How gifted we are to need never leave this place! Pity the lost and the searching, for they suffer so."

The witch furied at me under her breath. "Do not listen. They are jealous that we still function. They rot of resignation!"

Truly, there are moments when there's nothing to believe in. I couldn't shake loose of the idea that this One may have something to offer me, no matter how convincing the green witch be.

"Show me this One. Let me see his nostrils flare and his sun burn!" OK, so maybe I'd been traveling in the woods too long.

Sycophantic song leaked from the camp like a cracked fissure. From out of the trees appeared a man perfectly handsome in manner and dress, exactly the opposite of the campers. But as he stepped out of the shadows horror descended as I saw an ax stuck squarely into the back of his head. The only meaning he gave was by being even more fucked up than the Wounded!

"I told you!" howled the witch who grabbed my hand to safe pastures.

"It won't be long now," she assured. "Hear the quiet? No souls come this far. They give up along the way. If only they knew how close they were to final redemption!"

I was excited - and believing enough to finally reveal my most secret concern. "So there really is a way to love without love?"

But the witch was gone. Everyone was gone. I was left lost in the woods like the world's worst snipe hunter. Fool! Fool! You idiot! Why didn't you listen to your voices? She was leading me astray the whole time, to bury me in the woods like her! Curse that damn witch! The lost boys were right! Better she be dead than lead others astray.

Too many woods. Too many trees. Too many false steps. I asked to be lied to and I was. Broken and defeated, I penned the last stanza to my death poem.

In crouching woods, gulping dead man's air,
Realizing my life is beyond repair.