In Which I Piss EVERYONE Off!

All this shit in Egypt going on now reminds me of the time I had a conversation with a Middle Eastern terrorist. Them some touchy people! But that is what happens in countries where they don't allow Baywatch episodes to be aired.

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"I tell you earth is flat! Flat as pancake!"

"OK, whatever."

"You not hear me? Earth is flat! You must believe, infidel!"

"Call me whatever you want."

"Non-believer must die! Must prove you are believer!"

"Prove I'm not."

"You must say earth is flat!"

"Earth is flat..."

"I don't believe you!"

"Me neither."

"You must die! You disrespect great Allah!"

"Allah's fine with me. You - not so much!"

"I strap on bombs. Kill you and all your family."

"Gotta go sometime."

"You cannot deny my power!"

"Just did."

"Allah will get you!"

"I thought you just said it was you who was going to get me."

"Allah will get you through me!"

"How can I tell the difference?"

"Because I tell you!"

"Well, I don't believe you."

"You must believe me."

"OK, this is where I came in. Blow me up if you have to. Gotta go now."

"You must get angry first. Then I blow you up. You wait and see!"

I smiled and waved. He stewed and spat. That boy don't need explosives to die. He's headed for a heart attack anyway.

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Sometimes, you just piss everyone off. That's a bad thing? Heck, not even wars piss everybody off. So I decided to do the one thing I thought would easily unite all my fellow man: hating me. Wasn't that hard.

"Hey, you there, stop that!"

"You fucking freak! Go do that in your own backyard!"

"He's just doing that for attention, right here in the town square just to show off!"

"Doing that doesn't prove a damn thing. You really think that makes you a man? Anyone can do that!"

"This sort of fascist behavior has got to go! Don't be telling me how to live my life!"

"That's not helping you, doesn't mean anything, and is completely useless. So stop it!"

"I understand where you're coming from but your life should be spent sending letters to Congress to make the world a better place. All you're doing is making yourself feel better. That doesn't count for anything!"

"This proves all hippies are losers!"

"I hate you. Really, I just hate seeing you do that. Did I tell you I hate you?"

"That's just being silly. Everyone's going to make fun of you. Put your hands back in your pockets. I'd rather die than have you for a boyfriend!"

"Does your mother know you're doing this?"

"Aren't you frustrated doing that? You must be frustrated. I'm getting frustrated just looking at you!"

"What a complete waste of energy. You know if you put the same amount of energy into something constructive as you do this bullshit you just might accomplish something. This will get you nowhere. It's as if you expect everyone to behave just like you do and that's not going to happen. There's no bigger waste of time than telling other people how to behave in an unsolicited manner. So quit wasting my time, you fucker!"

What was truly funny was that the longer I did it, the angrier everyone got, a firestorm of debate sweeping across the country. All those red faces! So helpful in enlightening me! But finally real life intruded and I needed to pause in my endeavors. My, uh, supporters were ecstatic.

"At last, you're listening to reason! About damn time!"

"Actually, I'm just going to get a bite to eat then I'll be back!"

"If we ever catch you doing that again we will KILL you! I've never hated anyone so much in my life as I do you right now."

Gee, I never thought doing this would piss everyone off that bad. Man, people sure are uptight nowadays!

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