Housebound

The pounding on the front door thundered louder, hungry for an answer.

"You freak! Go away, loser! Get off my goddam back!" No change in the rapid fire beating. "Stop it! You have no right! Leave me alone! Leave me be, you monster!"

Finally, the monster stopped - and my heart started. I drew the blinds and covered the openings into my house, sealing out the Beast completely. That was a close one! But the Beast has found me once more. I am not safe.

I have never seen the Beast, but I know it comes to kill, its urgent knock a sure sign of the apocalypse of my wicked, wicked ways. If you were to ask me how to be safe I have no answer. Feeling safe is all I can ask for. So I flipped on the TV to the Religious War Money News Network and they told me all about the Beast:

"The Beast is coming to kill us all! It cannot be bargained with, it cannot be reasoned with, and it absolutely will not stop EVER until you are dead!"

I knew it! And it's officially on the news - it must be true! I'm not sticking my ass out the damn door! But...I am pretty miserable stuck inside here all the time. Mr. Boner keeps asking to go outside and it can't be reasoned with either. We're killing people all over the world but nobody knows the exact one who is the Beast. I can't wait until he's dead so I can be free!

Your rent is overdue! sayeth the Beast

Forever trapped, I lay in the dark on my bed, open-mouthed and empty, dreaming of a life for me, to never be. Who am I? The man on the bed or the man in my head? Neither one seems true...

The phone rings...is it her? I hurriedly stumble off the bed, smacking my knee on the chest as I round the corner. "Hello?" Yes, it's her! Telephone Survey Lady. I'm all smiles as I answer.

"Hey!!! How are you?...That was really funny last time!...I know, I know. You can never leave your job or I'll die!..." We talk and laugh about news of the day, tentatively exploring one another in ways mere eyes never can. She never speaks it - she being the essence of class - but she risks trouble on her job calling me over and over like this.

Both the good and bad news is she brings out the best in me. "Oh, haha, I know! People who never leave their houses are such losers! They have no faith in life! What idiots!" Yes, I mock those just like me. I speak of my dream life as if it's real life, stealing her friendship over the line. So while talking to her is heaven, deceiving her is hell. What to do?

Somehow I have to go out and get a life before she finds out what a freaky fraud I am. Jesus, the pressure! I remain helpless in my fear of the Beast, doubtlessly hiding in the bushes to slowly devour me in perpetual agony. Who can risk such a thing? She does. She made the break into the daylight.

Nothing makes me feel good anymore...what use is all the money in the world if I can't leave my house...at night I make prank phone calls telling people they are worthless and the Beast loves only me...those who've faced the Beast just laugh and hang up...but most get angry and it is they with whom I spend my time wallowing in the gutter...after I hang up I wonder what Telephone Survey Lady would say if she'd heard me...my hearts twists in ever-tightening torment like a wet rag wrung dry...

"Telephone surveys are dumb!...Who does telephone surveys? Not anyone cool!...Know what I really think of a telephone surveyor? I think-" the line goes dead, she never calling me again. I tell myself I did her a favor, so why is it I'm dying? If she'd found out my address I was dead meat anyway. I deserve to die in the dark. What am I to her but a voice on the phone anyway, right?

And yet...

Crawling under a blanket, peaceful sleep is lost from me forever. Words slip from my mouth, I reach out to grab them but they slip through my fingers. What if I can never grab them for the paper again? It just keeps getting worse and worse; the justice of God. The Grim Reaper sharpens his scythe in snarky anticipation, sweat drips in puddled despair. I know what's meant for the likes of me. And then, as if in answer, the front door shudders anew from the furious fist.

OK, OK. I give up. Better to die than listen to one more cursed minute of that goddam pounding!

Eyes lowered in drowsy doom, I open the door to face the Beast's wrath. My jaw drops in surprise. "You're no beast! You're really - "

And then I was hushed to silence.

--------------------------