"Whatever you do, don't expect your son to entertain you. That's not his job. You are a person of high passion, dear Julia, thusly you invoke high passion in others. If your son believes he needs to entertain you he will most certainly die trying to do so."
- the mystic prophet of the Celts
The words branded her the moment she heard them, cursing the prophet as the flames of truth singed her soul. And yet, like Moses standing before the Burning Bush, she cowered before the flames in tears, realizing for the first time the life's love she'd rejected. The precious idol of her self-image had toppled and she thanked God no one was in the room to see it. But that did not stop her from feeling as if the whole of the universe knew.
But she never consulted the prophet again, lest he further wound her chances at successful motherhood - to her the most precious of all gifts. Never had it crossed her mind not to have children. She came from a strong family tradition and because she benefited from that she also felt the obligation to continue it, a heritage of love and support. Julia couldn't wait for her chance and God help any force of the universe that stood between her and her children!
Only, it turned out not to be so simple. Damn the prophet! He knew of her Missing Piece, he'd read her soul and seen all. Oh what had possessed her to go to him? She wanted to go back to her time of blissful ignorance, of never doubting herself. She'd been so sure when entering his tent! I am Mother, hear me roar! But the Lioness walks in solitary silence now.
Though unconfessed, she was secretly grateful for the prophet's words, pulling a hidden thorn from her side. Julia knew if she had children without solving the riddle of the Missing Piece of her life her children would pay. The prophet had made it all real and alive - undeniable. So real, in fact, she even failed to rejoice in the news she'd have a son. Would she in the end let down the generations who both preceded her and to follow? With great gifts comes great responsibility.
Despite the hidden thorn, previously she knew the sleep of anticipation - but those days were gone. Now her nights were filled wrestling with blind doubt. "This is too hard! You ask too much!" Her sweat soaked sheets despaired of her being made pariah in her family, The Woman Who Drove Her Son To Death. And her demon had a name: boredom. It's driving lash drove her mercilessly in her prison, precious drops of entertainment like rain in the desert. She must have it!
Like an addict's needle was her family's wealth, stringing her out in its service, keeping the Missing Piece forever out of reach. Julia told no one of the prophet's words and like all secrets it came to consume her life in search for confession. She found her confessor in a traveling circus clown. He fed her laughs as a grateful servant, melting her resistance in helpless desire. She consummated the deal with this blowing leaf never to be seen again, safe from her family's eyes.
But the plan had been for a man of the community, a rock of good faith, to be the foundation of her family.
With the unfaceable shame of reckless impregnation, Julia fled to the poor quarters of a port town on the coast of England. She gave birth to a son, John. Unable to cope, she reached out to her sister Mimi, the only possible member of her family who might understand. Together they cared for him, nursing him along, but all the while Julia drowned in the responsibility. More than anything she feared passing the misery of her life onto her son.
When the boy was five he had to make a decision. Julia and Mimi stood side by side and the boy was asked to choose with whom he wanted to live. He picked his aunt Mimi. Julia gave up contact with her son, setting him free. Better to lose his love than drive him to death. As for life, she was just in it for the laughs and good times now, an unwilling, defeated entertainment whore.
It was doing what she wanted that scared her the most. Despite being made outcast in her family, she still clung to their obligations in a guilty sense of duty. Never did she give herself permission to pursue herself and at last find the Missing Piece. No, she of the one night infamy with a traveling clown ("Of all people to sire your child, Julia!") duly punished herself in moral self-denial - and it ate her alive. Life was reduced to the endless pursuit of stolen smiles.
John was fifteen when he discovered the woman around the bend with her wicked sense of humor. He spied her talking to a neighbor woman and right in the middle of the conversation she casually rubbed her eye - right through her glasses! She wore the frames without lenses just to sneak the joke in whenever she got the chance. John was instantly in love with her. Got to love a free spirit such as she, for no one was freer than Johnny boy!
John only did what he wanted (to the great consternation of his aunt Mimi). He left the dying for others to do. Life was magical and ancient and he put all his trust in it. His teachers, his screaming aunt, even the parents of his friends chastised him to bend to the world, to be "practical". But he fiercely clung to his dreams of life, picking up where his mother had left off. Julia hadn't realized it, but in her weakness she'd been made strong and the lineage she passed to her son more beautiful than the stars.
It was to John's amazement when told it was his mother who was the fearless jokester, living around the corner all these years. They became famous friends, she feeding his free spirit, encouraging him to find his Missing Piece. She may have been broken and weak but in her John found a safe haven. Above all, she understood. Her being made pariah from the family unshackled her: find what life has to give. Happiness of the heart is not a sin!
Julia sang to John's unborn songs. Rock and roll fitted him and while his aunt famously scolded, "A guitar's alright, John, but you'll never earn a living by it," Julia shared in John's dreams knowing she had no right to judge having never found her own. That was the only wall between them. Julia saw the light in her son's eyes, but she never "got" his music, unable to travel that far down the road of life. But finding a "mate" in his mum further cemented this wonderful, mystical feeling he was on the right path. He would take her to the stars she never reached.
That is until an off duty cop came careening around the corner one night, running her over and killing her. But though they knew each other only a short time in earthly moments, they loved a lifetime and now sing together in the heavens.
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Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it just to reach you
Julia
Oceanchild
Calls me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
Seashell eyes
Windy smile
Calls me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
Her hair of floating sky is shimmering
Glimmering
In the sun
Julia
Morning moon
Touch me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
When I cannot sing my heart
I can only speak my mind
Julia
Sleeping sand
Silent cloud
Touch me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
Calls me
So I sing a song of love
For Julia
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