I've been crying the past two days now. I had to leave Open Salon. I knew I had to either grow or leave and of course there's no way for me to grow. I'm suddenly going to become a normal person after all these years? No, I had to fake it as I always do and the guilt of it wore on me as I had grown somewhat close to one person in particular. Then I remembered my freak life and the wrongness of it and the ridiculousness of me masturbating with one hand and lambasting the world's idiocy with the other.
Immediately upon leaving, the pains returned to my stomach. Somehow I had fooled myself into thinking I was one of "them" because I had fooled them into thinking I was one of them or they assumed that on their own. These people with wives and lives...just so far away from me. Who can even comprehend such a thing?
Imagine if no one had any idea what OJ did and people suddenly saw him start to withdraw - he wouldn't be the "same person" anymore - and no one would know why. Nor could he tell them. No one knows the full extant of the nightmare of my life. It far exceeds what anyone suspects. But the truth will out and already some saw me as the fraud I am at OS, so I decided to light out of there before they got the posse on me.
Or rather, apathy took over.
I feel horrible about doing it. Maybe I made the wrong choice...again. But I am a criminal and I guess in the end, there are no right choices for that. My words are empty and my gestures hollow. I'm merely shadow dancing, pretending to live. What's the endgame to this?
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