Machiavelli Was A Loser

No way I trust that face

I don't know much about Machiavelli but I do know about being Machiavellian, a term which I always associated with someone who is a manipulator. And a manipulator is a loser. Manipulation is the coward's domain, it's a substitute for honest communication. Problem is, there is no substitute for honest communication. Manipulation leaves you in the dark in the end.

A large part of my manipulative behavior is borderline unconscious and definitely highly ingrained as a way of life - a sad way of life. I'll pretend to not know the feelings I'm engendering in you - and you will swear there's no way I can know, that I'm a completely oblivious soul. From the corner of my eye, I observe you and your reaction. I can't imagine anyone liking me, but you - you who claim the right to the world - you should be able to give me honest feedback, no?

But what I usually see is you over there squirming, agonizing on how you're going to "spare" me, or you might come up with something really inventive as an out - like arranging an "urgent" phone call five minutes into a blind date. (Yes, I've been beeped on before, "Gotta go!") So I'm always interested in the tact you might take with me. Will you get all red-faced and angry, telling me off and setting me straight? Or will you sit in repressed silence, writing me off as a lost cause?

Debby burned me as a manipulator when I blatantly tested her just to see how she'd react. She'd shrug her shoulders and say, "It's your life", leaving me standing there feeling like an idiot. I was, of course. Whether she did that out of guilelessness or from seeing right through me I'll never know. It may have been a combination of both. In those types of clumsy attempts, I think she saw that as my way of trying to communicate. She understood my overwhelming fear of her.

Manipulators are like spies

But I also got her to get in my face, flummoxed by my appeal to "meet her in the park" after work. Did I really want to do that? Well, yes and no. Certainly, there was nothing on God's green earth I wanted more than to spend time with Debby. It was truly Heaven on earth. But had it happened it would have felt impossibly awkward and I probably would have sabotaged the entire situation. The point I really wanted to get out was that there was this great divide between me and her, that no matter our feelings, we could never be anything - at all. Ever.

She blew up later, informing me "we are not friends" (a fucking understatement!), but I think she was surprised by my non-reaction. I had manipulated her into saying that, I was expecting her to say that and I wanted to see if she would say anything. I was only semi-conscious of my doing this, as I was awash in emotion and out of control whenever I got near her. To me, Debby was a force of nature I could never conquer. (To be clear, feelings did exist between us and she admitted that)

I am still that same person today. You may think I might die if you tell me straight out how you feel. I won't. And whether I'm on the up and up or not, I take honesty as a sign of the ultimate respect. But know that, yes, I want to know if you're being level with me, as I look at you from the corner of my eye, knowing what you want to say and waiting and wondering how much you will say. It's the coward's way out, I know.

(Here's how to frustrate manipulators: always take them at face value)

In the end, always alone

___________________________________