She had "returned to the fold". The 'lost weekend' was over. She had been granted guarded forgiveness and was now expected to return the favor with proper behavior and a pound of flesh. Her parents, she thought, never fully trusted her again. She had once been the golden child - cheerleader, homecoming queen, wife - all as it should have been. Then a snake whispered in her ear.Janitor Man. Everyone knew him as that. He was the devil that led her astray, she said. He'd even had the gall to contact her again, sending her notes over the years and a book supposedly written in her honor. She had properly disregarded them all. "Sick and pathetic," she spoke of him. But her other feelings for him she could never mention - those were unspeakable.
It was time to tow the line. She would dutifully speak of the greatness of God, her parents and the world. Most of all, she vehemently proclaimed her happiness. Having allegedly seen the error of her ways, she would build her house now, the one she had torn apart before. But truth was that hope was long gone. Her home would only be on the outside - that too was an unspeakable fact.
"You can't do too much for your children." Two children, a girl and a boy, became her life. Thank God she could take the focus off herself! She was determined to be the perfect mother. Showing a devotion to be admired by all, she found a role where she could hide. The feelings of unmutable sorrow, of dreams dying and crying out for help, of a suffocating prison of lies - those feelings must be pushed aside! She had a family depending on her now, such inconvenient truths are unspeakable.Then the Unspeakable happened.
The news ushered in her darkest hour. The wailing was uncontrollable, terrifying to see. In the depths of Hell she stood, all her buried lies revealed by howling flames. God's retribution at last. To nought could she appeal her fate. Her son was dead: suicide. He too had lived in a prison of lies and saw no way out. He was not the perfectly Godly person he was expected to be. But he must let no one know, such revelations were unspeakable...
She drowned in the nights, no solace found. She would accept any crumb God had to offer; her surrender unconditional. But God cannot hear what is not spoken. Forced by fear, she wandered back to a time long ago yet always near. Once more she re-lived the parting words of the Janitor Man, words branded upon her soul:
He had wanted her know how meeting her had touched him. "...Anyone can say the words, but when it comes from somebody you respect-" That's when she looked up at him - shocked. Crushed, he then realized how much of his admiration he had held back. Scrambling, he continued, "You are greatness, Debby. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You are a unique and special person. You may think I don't know you-" She remembered his easy smile, as a child who found a friend. "-but I've always known you. I can't get enough of you. But the way you treat yourself - when you say you have problems selling yourself short - that's an understatement! What you do is criminal. It's a crime against God, against nature, against yourself. Until you stop cheating yourself, you will always be a criminal. So, yeah, all your family and anyone else you got hoodwinked will say what a good girl you are, but we'll know differently. We know, don't we, Debby?"
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So I just got to tell you, Goodbye
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