How I learned to stop worrying and love the Berlin Wall

I once got published in Mad Magazine. I had the best response to "How to best lure the Spanish Armada into a trap." My reply was "Whistle, and call, 'Here, Spanish Armada!'" Simple, direct, uncomplicated. That's how I like things.


So it seems we woke up one day and found out immigrants (shock! shock!) having been living right here among us (gasp!) and not only that they got here illegally (oh my God!). And the horror doesn't end there. Those latino bastards have been soaking up all our good landscaping, dishwashing and housekeeping jobs. The nerve! But now it's time for what America does best: panic. America, where "everyone's a super hero, everyone's a Captain Kirk".


Simple, direct, uncomplicated - that's how everything should be. Let's build us a bad ass wall with flame throwers and machine gun nests and super duper radar tracking that won't let in even a mosca. Man, would that be cool! But what do we do about the 11 million lawbreakers already here? Are we just going to forget the law and let all hell break loose?? Are we going to spend our hard earned money to send them back?? Hell no! Seems to me the cheapest and most expedient solution is obvious: mass executions.


I went to the headliner film in last year's Latino Film Festival. The speaker was telling how Mexicans were going to reclaim Texas "one baby at a time.", Well, folks, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.