"I is your god"

HELL (AP) After finally being caught in one lie too many, the current President has finally decided to end all charades. Wearing an "I heart Satan" shirt, he declared an unashamed and unabashed loyalty to his Dark Master. "I told you my orders came from a higher power!" he scathed upon his critics. "Have I not put the world at war? Have I not done my master's bidding?" Ignoring the loud din of protests, the President smirked triumphantly.

Calling out to the Vice Ogre to bring his pitchfork, he lectured his hapless audience. "Even now I bet I get a 25% approval rating!" he chortled. "My minions can't help but follow me! Maybe now you will believe in the power of my religion. It's lies...all beautiful lies. What my criticals fail to understand is that it's OK to lie. I is your god."

Then, pitchfork in hand, the President viciously attacked his least favorite reporters, screaming out, "Justice from god! Justice from god!" Excluding North Korea, world leaders were unanimous in denouncing the revelation. "Good god!" huffed the British Minister, "With a revelation like that, people will start thinking we're all assholes." Later, the President's talking Lap Dog explained it all. The pitchfork attack was obviously part of a new policy designed to enhance media relations. When asked how the President expected to maintain power, the Lap Dog quoted his master directly: "You can't questions me unless you questions you - and how many of yous wanna do that!"