8 Simple Rules to be a Terrorist

1. Hate yourself. All terrorism starts from here: self-hatred. That is your power. It's what gives you an edge over weak, stupid people who value life and want to live. You must somehow believe the power of death is greater than the power of life. You've got to be able to answer "yes" to this question: "Is my life worthless?"
2. Lie to yourself. In order to give a meaningless act meaning, you must be able to lie to yourself. You know, "This will make God love me" or some such garbage.
3. Have a good story. Your explanation cannot be "I hate myself and my life has no meaning". You have to say you're doing it for the cause of (fill in the blank). "I am really outraged by..."
4. Get 60 Minutes to interview you. Or at least find some schmuck willing to buy what you have to sell. Really muddies the water as to your motivations and gives an air of legitimacy to your alleged cause.
5. Blame others. See, if only these other people would change, then you wouldn't be forced to commit such acts, dang it. This is your bit to right the wrongs of the world!
6. You too have been hurt. Somehow, you have to find a claim where you can say "your" innocent people were killed. Makes your "anger" so much more understandable.
7. Don't laugh. If anyone suspects you're making all this up, all is lost! Rehearse your story over and over, working in all sorts of pseudo-logic and reasoned language.
8. Know the alternative. You're a loser. Why else would you be in this racket? So do you really want to go to all the trouble of fixing your life?? Is it even possible? Give up on you, give up on life, give up on the world - it's either that or grow up.