I'm A Racist, I Swear!

"Look here, ol' Harry's got a secret!"

"No I don't!" I declared in a preemptive strike.

It was the gang of usual suspects: Larry the Loser, Beer Gut Gary, Redneck Randy, and me. You may ask why I would hang out with them but the real question is why would anyone hang out with me. So here - as in my fucking job - I am stuck.

I'd left the monthly receipt out from my ACLU donation on my chest of drawers and since the only bathroom in my tiny abode is in my bedroom it was left to the scrutiny of unscrupulous eyes. Even as a spy, it's too much for me to be able to hide everything little thing every fricking time. So there I was, caught by Redneck Randy as he presented the blasphemous evidence to the kangaroos.

"Thirty-five dollars! To the ACLU. Always figured ya for a librul pussy, Harry!"

"Nigger lover!" spurted Gary - after fully swallowing his gulp of beer.

Larry didn't want to feel left out as he hated everyone - especially those named Larry. "You're not fooling anyone, Harry, on what you are!"

In this this twisted gang everyone's got your back - with a knife in it. "Hey, guys, I hate niggers, spics, chinks, commies, and lefties too! See? I just said nigger, that proves I'm a racist just like y'all."

"Sayin' it once don't prove nothin'. Ya gotta say it all the time - and mean it."

"Yeah! This ain't Twitter shit! One slip doesn't mean anything if you can't back it up."

"You're a real hypocrite claiming to be a racist, Harry!"

Boy howdy, there I was sitting there like chum in the water with these foul faced sharks circling around certain of a meal to come. Yes, I was scared, but I knew it was because they live in dire fear.

"Look, guys, I say nigger all the time. You've seen me when I get cut off in traffic. I always call them a nigger! And I know all the other names too: porch monkey, jigaboo, coon - " Under pressure of the moment my mind went blank and I was forced to grab my "fit in" list out of the back pocket of my jeans. "- Oh ya, and 'gator bait' and 'moon cricket'!"

"I always liked 'moon cricket'," beamed Randy.

"I'm sorry, but the fact you had to get a list out is highly offensive to me." Gary folded his arms in a huff across his beer belly - after grabbing a fresh can.

"We're not stupid like you think, Harry. We know a racist when we see one and you're just not one."

"Nothing pisses me off more than finding

a black man in a klan outfit!!"

"Dammit, I'm just like everyone else! I'll go cut up a pillowcase, write KKK on it, and spend rest of the evening wearing it. How's that for ya."

"We don't want no fakers in the klan."

"You got no credentials. When's the last time you even joked about burning a cross on a lawn??"

"We're people of integrity, Harry. You can't con us with a little black face or empty slurs."

Great. Now they have integrity. When it comes to being assholes they get on their high horse. Rest of the time they slink around like the cowardly snakes they are, never standing up to anyone. For some reason, I always seem to embolden people around me. I really hate that.

"You guys must not have seen my Twitter account. They're calling me racist and homophobe and even sexist too! I swear, I make nuanced points all the time and they hate me for it."

"Them idiot fuckers say that about everyone! Don't mean a damn thing."

"Twitter is for people got nothing better to do than call people names. They full of ideas no one got any sense of."

"Really, Harry! Getting called racist on Twitter is the best defense you can provide? I had a woman on Twitter call my cat a racist. You'll have to do better than that."

"Shit, don't know what to say. Maybe we could go nigger knocking later?"

"Nah, man, I think we better leave."

"I want to drink my beer someplace where I'm wanted."

"I remember seeing you eat watermelon few weeks back too. We're outta here."

"Hey, what's with this 'cancel culture' move? You're acting like a bunch of lefties now!"

That halted them in their tracks, forcing the cruelty of questioning thought upon them. Can I be called a liberal for this?? Anything but that, Lord! Hating on them is all I got!

The three of them slowly, reluctantly, sat back down, as a dog would after having been scolded. Their furrowed brows felt compelled to speak.

"OK, Harry, but you need to watch yourself. Donating just doesn't sit well with me."

"You're gonna end up wearing feathers in a gay pride parade someday if we don't reel you in."

"We don't want to catch you showing signs of self-respect again, Harry. We need to know we can trust you."

"Don't worry," I sighed, realizing I'd just kept three idiots in my living room just to keep from being alone. "No danger of that."

"What do know about that? Ol' Harry here is a soldier."