Witch-Burning Rises in Polls!

Taking a note from our infamous history, self-loathers have taken a new shine to witch-burning as a cure for present day ills. And with self-loathing itself on the rise, self-dealing politicians were quick to seize on this phenomenon.

"Friends, I may be phony and retarded, a despicable loser from the bottom of the barrel, the rottenest of rotten apples, but I'm here to tell you today: I will not let this country be overrun by witches!"

(Much cheering was heard.)

"And we know who those witches are, don't we?" Crowd chuckles. "It's everyone we hate!"

(Much cheering was heard.)

"No one disagrees this country has been going to hell, but I got a word for you witches out there, and the word is it's you who's going to hell!"

(Much cheering was heard.)

"Now, we all know about the radicals, don't we? They don't want to burn anyone!" Crowd boos lustily. "They'll just let the witches do anything they want. Are we going to stand for that? Are we going to give up our country?" A chorus of "NO" erupted in reply. "That's right! I am your savior. I am the only one who'll stand up to the witches!"

(Very much cheering was heard.)

The witch-burner-in-chief proved successful in his election bid, who then duly followed forth on his promise, burning at least one witch a week to the very great delight of his anti-Christ supporters. Even when courts ruled his burnings to be illegal, the criminal kept right on doing it - also much to the delight of his fanatical following. "He's a man of conviction!" they crowed. Plus the moron didn't know how to do much anything else.

These suicidal circumstances put opposing politicians into a pickle.

"See, we can't be seen as opposing all burnings or we'll lose the centrist independents, alienate the pro-witch-burners, and divide the nation. We'll be called "Witch lovers" if we ban burnings outright. No, what we'll do is start some investigations that prove the burnings are unwarranted, make the case to the public, reverse the polls, and then we'll be able to stop the killings. We can't just be seen recklessly acting on our own convictions and doing the right thing!"

As the janitor in the room who overheard this conversation, I repeated it to my friend Tony the next day. Tony, however, has no interest in political calculations.

"Shit, man, we leave that crazy motherfucker in charge this country don't deserve to live noways."