God Is A Lost Cause

i swim inside a sea of endless blackness, a voiceless void suffocated in formless vacuum

outside i see faces. their lips move, thinking i can hear them. the void disallows contact as there's nothing to carry the sound.

to leave the void is to return to the awaiting horror. i'm trapped in time, never to live again. i can't go back to that spiderweb, to be feasted upon, unable to move.

i am a student of sin. i became its slave by believing i was its master. my atrocities are like a fire that can't be put out. only the void can suffocate the flames.

the jungle hell still jails my recruited soul. they told me to kill to be good. life ended when i signed my name. how can such a small act be so powerful, to take one from possible dreams to certain nightmares?

That Which Cannot Be Spoken grips my universe in unbreakable hold. the answer, she said, was in my head: my prison of pain, memories of a family's death screams from a burning thatched hut.

"that which can be destroyed should be destroyed." this became the code i lived by. it included myself. my code of dishonor allowed me to rot for the greater good. how convenient.

the dry straw ached to be burned it was so perfectly fragile. my life was a nightmare, so shouldn't everyone else's be? the dying screams of the souls inside gave voice to my inner tears. i fed off them, a red-faced monster playing god as master of life and death. and in that moment i am freeze-framed.

what is time but a measure of consciousness? decades are a blink of the eye. eternity is each day passing. i can't un-know my crime, so there is no "time".

and no rest. closed eyes only continue the slow searching march through the seething jungle of sinister green leaves and villainous yellow sun. the stain remains the same.

my child would have to die in punishing payment. it should thank me for not being born. or curse me for never seeing the light of day, blindly picking me in innocent knowledge of my sins.

yesterday, today, tomorrow - i have nowhere to go. nothing ever changes. not a single particle. god is a lost cause