She Sucked A Dick!

I was lying back on the bed in the slightly vegetative state of the aftermath, enjoying my time as any guy does when he's been let out of the sexual prison in which men are condemned to spend their lives. The doom of work was awaiting me the next day and those dark clouds were on the horizon despite my present good fortune.

Anna, however, had crawled over to the corner of the bedroom, still naked, doubled over as in a shell. She wasn't saying anything but I clearly got the message she wanted to be in her own thoughts and needed the space. I have to admit, though, this being me, nothing good can happen without some sort of backlash. It's an aspect of my life I rarely share in person.

"I can't believe I did that," finally speaks Anna to herself.

Yes, she had told me it was her first time. And she's very clearly a grown woman. Why was I the lucky recipient? I was about to find out - because I'm anything but lucky.

"It's inside me now and will never come out."

Everything she did was her idea. I just obliged her. I don't know what triggered it. But something drove her to do it and now she had buyer's remorse.

I knew I'd be inserting foot in mouth but had to say it anyway. "It's really not a big deal. There's high school girls who make a whole career out of it."

"That isn't me!"

Shit. I'm no therapist and I got my own issues in life. I didn't know Anna that well. She's a neighbor from the next apartment building over. Maybe because she's American Indian she has a different background than I'm used to. Maybe this is taboo in their culture. All I knew was I was sitting on one big giant eggshell.

"What would my father say if he could see me now?" she softly reflected.

Oh, goody, father issues. She thinks she just sucked daddy's dick. And I'd played the role of substitute daddy. That's not going to end well, either. I'm nobody's idea of a father figure. I can see now she picked me because we weren't close, that I was someone disposable with whom she could experiment. Never a free ride, is there?

"And it had to be with you."

She was still balled up in the corner, not looking at me. She stayed naked but was trying to hide it at the same, a person in complete conflict. Of course, evil Harry wanted to say, 'Hey, the only way to get over a bad blow job is to do another one!' I mean, I just couldn't deal with this shit. Now she's offloading her self-loathing onto me: 'This wouldn't be happening if I'd sucked a better dick.' I started getting dressed. I needed to escape.

Cleaning up in the bathroom, I noticed Anna stayed in her state of self-induced shock. I had visions of her oscillating between being the blowjob queen of the county to being a nun. Evil Harry kept talking in my head. 'Hey, can't wait to brag to all my friends and neighbors about this!' She was so overreacting I just wanted to stick it to her, sort of liking slapping the hysterical passenger in "Airplane".

But obviously it was a big deal to her. She'd reached a threshold. She'd defecated in the living room of her life, ruining its purity forever. Had she lost something for real? Or was she just not liking the picture she was getting of herself she'd finally been forced to face, that she'd been basing her self-worth on an illusion. How could I tell her at a time like this that facing yourself is always a good thing, even if you don't like what you see. I knew George Clooney could come up with something comforting to say. I just decided to feel sorry for myself.

That will never be me, sorry...

I went into the kitchen to fix a bite. I couldn't say anything because evil Harry was still dominating the conversation. 'Hey, want something to eat or are you never going to eat with that mouth again??' The longer she stayed in there, the more awkward it got. I also didn't want to leave the house fearing that her private internal war may erupt into external destruction of my property. I felt she was going through the stages of shame and I'd be persona-non-grata anytime she saw me around the complex and how miserable her life would be. Mine too, lady.

I knew it was insensitive to turn on the TV but I had to break the silence in the absence of words of wisdom from me. I could feel her blaming me all the way from the bedroom and with my naturally guilty conscience, that played on me too. Should I have said no? Should I have told her only to do it inside the confines of a loving relationship? Never occurred to me she'd consider herself a slut of Biblical proportions. I imagine if a nun ever gave a blowjob it would mess with her mind too. But that's all sheer fucking illusion.

I stayed on the couch watching the TV but my mind was in the bedroom. Christ, how long is she going to stay like that?? What was I supposed to say to her? Only smart ass replies came to mind. 'Sorry I ruined your life.' 'Your daddy will never love you now!' 'You know when you go to your conservative bank job tomorrow everyone will be able to tell what you did.' Then I remembered the scene in "About A Boy" about guys feeling they always need to provide an answer. Maybe I didn't need to.

I walked to the bedroom door, studying the smoothness of her light brown skin, wishing I could caress her. She hadn't moved and didn't look at me. "You going to be OK?" I surprised myself with my actual sincerity.

"I'll be OK. I just need...time."

She didn't know what she needed. But I'd forced her to a decision which is what I needed. I went back to the TV, this time she knew I wouldn't be coming back. After a while I heard movement and she came out fully dressed. With sparse eye contact we made an awkward goodbye and I was alone again, naturally.

Later, in the evening, I still couldn't push it out of my mind, sticking with me like a bad smell. While I was driving around, every song I heard related back to her in some way. Only thing I knew for sure was I wouldn't have the courage to confront her about it.

CODA: After studiously avoiding each other, Anna moved out at the end of the next month. I'll never know how her foray into sexual exploration with me affected her in the end. We'll both have to live with it best we can. I can only shake my head and think: This could only happen to me.