Berlin Diaries

I'm drowning in Berlin; a long flight over but my fears chased me across the pond. Drowning in history, in the obliviousness I thought would save me, in the unexpected ghosts that still roam here. Got fooled again. But where can I find free air? Seeking my distant Teutonic past provides no answers. I left the old world centuries ago. These here are the ones left behind, who never sought more. I thought maybe...well, don't know what I was thinking. I'm just sinking into my bed again, direction unknown.

*************

I got out of bed this morning and stepped into a cloud. I was flailing, trying to find something to hold on to. But my grasping hands found only unreality, that the world had stopped and the order flipped to its rightful position. Why another minute of madness? I was certainly outted, another wasted life; exposed and defrocked - on the wanted list. In frozen fear I stared up at the small oblong window of my room so common in Europe. Dare I look at the angry mob awaiting me below? It was a long time before I moved, but I have no idea how long.

*************

So far from home I've lost my usual distractions. That's what I was thinking: without my customary crutches I'd be forced to learn to walk. Who's to see if I fail here? But all that's happened is the demons of uselessness are having a field day, wreaking frustration at every turn. I guess in that sense my plan has worked, I can't even pretend to serve a purpose while in a foreign land. I wrote God a letter in my mind explaining it doesn't have to be this hard.

*************

I got scared of the toxic streams running through my mind. Drove to Munich today and the drive did me good - or blocked shit out, anyway. Munich is the same but different. Same bluish-grey but not the international feel of Berlin. I also thought of facing the Black Forests; small villages reminding me of "The White Ribbon" and the hidden horrors that resided (reside?) in the German heart. How many generations does it take for atrocities to die out? As I well know, there's nothing more terrifying than someone who thinks their guilt serves a purpose. They always think they have God on their side.

*************

Here in Munich I think of spies. I think of the spy I once was and still am. I could never be a traditional spy. I mean, what kind of spy can you be if someone else is pulling the strings? It has to be done on your own terms. John Lennon said artists are spies and I think that's the only true kind. As Gandhi said, there is no god higher than truth - and there is no "higher purpose" that does not serve it. That's the lie agencies tell you, that your evil somehow serves a greater good. Buy that garbage and you're in a trap. That's why so many traitors think they're patriots, that by exposing other's hypocrisy (to a hypocritical world) things will change. Everybody wants to change things without changing their heart, silly twats.

*************

Robert Hanssen was an American spy traitor. He now spends 23 hours a day in solitary confinement. What he did was monstrous. But I wonder if driving him insane betters the world? The fight for rationality requires everyone. For the record, my confinement is 24 hours a day.

P.S. I'm going insane.

*************

Emily weighs heavy on me. (Funny how I don't do grammar when it's a diary.) Maybe she's what drove me here. More running away. I could stand just outside her door and be as far away from her as I am now. I'm unfindable yet still not safe. Is it my lack of courage or a sense of decency that separates me from her? Intelligence must be watered with kindness to stay alive and her kindness is overwhelming. Running from kindness says a lot about a person, doesn't it? Surrender is the only option - thank God.

*************

Tomorrow's another day. Goddamit.