Shopping With God

The universe is deceived about me. I am not God. I am not Jesus who channels God. I am not omnipotent. I cannot change the laws of physics at will and walk on water. I am just me.

But the expectations are more.

See, I only get paid so much money. I don't get to reach into a basket and pull out an infinite amount as needed to feed five thousand. Trust me on this, I have the roaches to prove it. And I'm also apparently so sinful as to need to eat, another alleged crime against the universe. Well, excuse me for living.

I have just enough money for what I need as I check out at the store but as my food is being weighed on the scale I see a giant thumb like a ghost's pressing down, causing it to break my budget. As always, no one else sees this so I cannot say a word without being deemed insane and just have to eat it like a bitch. I'm embarrassed at having to return part of my food that I CORRECTLY ON THIS FUCKING PLANET apportioned to match my money.

What is the purpose of this, can someone please tell me? But no one can. The world beats me up. God beats me up. I simply stagger along back to my hellhole. God is mocking me on the way.

"Yeah, that was Me, motherfucker! Hahahah!"

"Why? Why do You do this?"

"Can't tell you. That'd be against the rules."

"But You just broke the fucking rules by interfering! Whatever happened to free will? How am I supposed to survive when I can't even count on the laws of physics? I had twenty bucks and I measured out twenty bucks of food and then You FUCKED me. How am I supposed to count on anything at this point? How do I know if I put one foot in front of the other I'm actually going to move forward? Can You answer me that?"

"Trust Me."

"Can I mistrust You and get Your goddam thumb off the scale? Am I allowed to understand one fucking thing in this world? Let's just go our separate ways. How's that for a deal? I certainly don't need any help in suffering. Trust ME, I've got that down in spades every miserable day and night of my life."

But I only get silence in return, naturally.

"OK, I get it. Fine. I'm sorry if You have the misconception that life is just way too easy down here. The minute I ask for something You walk away because I need You but You don't need me. Just fucking lovely. I always said God was female."