TerRorIsm fOr duMMieS

Does this burka make me look caliphate?

"Hey, Leroy"

"Hey yerself, Osama."

"Man, my life is shit!"

"Mine too! What is we gunna do about it?"

"I don't know about you but I'm feeling awfully oppressed."

"That sounds bad."

"That's because it's not our fault we're so unhappy with ourselves."

"I been saying that fer years. We gotta do sumpthin'!"

"We is - err - we are. We must strike back!"

"Yeehaw! We gets to shoots people, don't us?

"Indeed we will! And I've got just the book to get us started."

"That one-a them best smellers, ain't it? I can tell just from lookin' we gunna be real live terrorers!"

"We'd already be that if we were attacking the English language. Ah, here we go, Chapter 1."

"Congratulations! So you've decided to become a terrorist. Terrorism is the hottest growth market on the planet. Whether you're simply engaging in hate speech to rally the masses, carrying out isolated attacks on defenseless civilians, or a corrupt government official looking to fund your defense industry it's key to outline your objectives and enemies before starting. Let's start with a simple questionnaire: Whom do hate? Check each box that's appropriate.

1. Jews"

"Oh, hell yeah! They been making me feel like a worm fer years!"

"Actually, that box comes pre-checked. Let us continue."

"2. African-Americans."

"They means niggers! I'm in on that!"

"3. Immigrant dish washers."

"They's takin' all our best jobs!"

"4. People who watch Baywatch."

"Aw, shit! What they got that in there fer?"

"It's against Sharia law."

"What's Sharia got agin' gettin' laid? She got a sister?"

"5. Clever satirists."

"We don't stand for no satanists around here! That there's like a almost perfect list!"

"Indeed, except for the dish washers. We save those jobs for our Palenstinian brothers, we love them so much."

"Right nice of yer!"

“Hey! Hey! LB Che! How many kids did you kill today?”

"Next, one must find a cause for which to fight. Picking the proper cause is critical! Attacking without a cause will signify you as a misguided, embittered, self-loathing loser and a victim of your own irresponsibility. However, with the proper stated cause, one might one day end up on a T-shirt! Remember, no matter how many women and children you blow up, you're doing it to make the world a better place. You are the cure for an ailing planet!

"1. God, Allah, "The gods", etc."

"Course we's killing all the folks God wants us to."

"2. Freedom fighting."

"I been fightin' to be free of them darkies me whole life!"

"3. You are the purveyor of justice."

Leroy knew nothing of being a "purveyor" other than they mapped out the land.

"4. You're the only one who understands what's wrong."

"Ain't that the Lord's truth!"

"5. People who make you feel stupid."

"Wow, we gunna need lots of bullets."

"Remember: This it NOT a futile exercise causing unimaginable pain and suffering in the name of preventing pain and suffering. And you're NOT a Judas who makes others pay for your own sins. And you're absolutely NOT a life-hater devoid of hope destroying simply for the sake of destroying. Instead, you are a revolutionary, a defender of the faith, the last pillar of integrity in a world gone mad.

Drone strikes bringing stability to the world

"Terrorism is a valuable service! It wakes up the world and sets it on the correct course. Embraced by everyone from Presidents to high school punks, it has become mainstream and accepted. The world is in need of much correction, and we can still do this one terrorist at a time."

"Wowee, that's some fancy rightin' there. Think I'll go pop myself a nigger just for good measure. Sherwood make me feel better!"

Leroy hadn't been laid in 17 years since his wife left him for a liberal union organizer and the idea of shooting someone became more appealing by the day.

"So what will you choose as your moral cause?"

"That's a tuffie, there. Don't know no Jews. Never knows I had to have a reason fer it. Can't I jess do it cuz I wanna? No one gunna believe I got no grand reason anyways."

"Yes, yes! You must have a reason or they will laugh at us! Just pick something."

"Well last week I drives all the way cross town fer some ice cream and that jackass didn't have a lick of pistachio! I goes to all that trouble ya think they'd be ready fer ya!"

"OK, close enough. Mine will be the decay of Western culture, its decadence and rot are growing every day and I must put an end to literary lasciviousness! I will draw awareness to this disregarded issue, the lives lost will serve a higher purpose as we once again return to good and wholesome writing."

Osama declared this while wearing 14 pink ribbons for breast cancer. Fanatic is as fanatic does. Rejected as a book writer he vowed revenge upon the world. "Hey, you're a failed artist - just like Hitler!" The wound never stopped hurting, sending Osama over the edge. All the pair really knew was they were in agony and it had to stop. No one cared to help.

EPILOGUE: Leroy, in a fit of building sexual rage, exploded with his fully automatic rifle at a Blue Bell ice cream factory. Pundits discussed the corporatization of America, the roots of industrialization and the need for better wage growth for lower income workers like Leroy. A noted talk show host flew off the handle when a caller suggested "good ol' Leroy just needed to get hisself a hooker." "Please, sir, enough of your nonsense! We're trying to be serious here!"

Osama covered all his bases, leaving this note at the office building he blew up (which housed the publisher who rejected him).

"I am making this grammatically correct and well written diatribe in order to strike back against the Zionist controlled book publishers in league with Black Power movements taking away the best jobs from Americans who do nothing but watch porn while mocking hallowed terroristic institutions."

Osama didn't get the reaction he expected despite strictly following the guidelines in the Dummies book. The Zionists didn't exist, the Black Power movement was happy just to be mentioned once more, no jobs were lost, porn watchers were too busy whacking off and everyone else continued not to concern themselves with terroristic drone strikes.

"Dammit to Allah! That idiot Leroy has the whole country talking about him, people analyzing his fucking toilet paper. And what do I get for my brilliance? Nothing! Oh, this is the worst - even worse than before. Please, do anything you want but don't ignore me! I can't stand that!"