Tinkology Exposed! The Truth Behind The Cult Of Tink!

"For God so loved the earth he gave his only begotten cat. And he said unto Tink, "Go forth and spray. The world is your litter box."

And so Tink came to earth and said, "Behold! [Because he always wanted to say 'Behold!'], peace on earth, goodwill towards man!"

And the world replied: "You bastard!"

That's because the oilTVmobilephoneweaponsmanufacturer corporation that ran the world had just racked up 80 trillion dollars in profits and they didn't do that "with fucking peace on earth and goddam goodwill towards man, by God!"

And thus, the enemies of the cat devised a plan. At first they wanted to kill him - but they were much too evil for that. "No! We can do better than death. We'll make him unemployed - that way he can die every day! We giggle at your false hope!" And verily they giggled.

And then the Dog News station reported cats are evil and want to poop in your backyard (which, of course, is what dogs really do). Also widely reported by Dog News reporters for God was that "God hates cats!" (which, of course, is what dogs do). And finally word was spread that "Tink wants to take over the world and force everyone to eat dog food!" (which, of course, is what dogs really want to do). And thus by reporting on the sins of dog the cat was thusly blamed. Woe unto the liars whose tails are wagging.

But lovers of catnip also appeared, vying for feline mystique. "Tink loves me the best!" "No, Tink loves me the best!" Wars erupted between the Tinkerites to prove who was the most lovable. Naturally, the biggest assholes won causing those many of simple mind to declare: "That Tink must be a bad kitty! Look at all the wars he's caused!" Woe onto those who refuse their mind, for they shall bury their lives in non-scoopable litter.

And yet, among all the Tinkerites, not one would offer him a job. "No one can stand before the oilTVmobilephoneweaponsmanufacturer beast!" This they proclaimed from the tops of hills while wearing "Tink loves you!" T shirts. Verily they stood in damnation, for while Tink loved them, they did not love Tink. "It's a dog-eat-dog world and he's just a cat!" Woe unto fools who serve the dog, for they shall be apportioned for Alpo.

And so the world came to worship the dog and refuse the cat, any caught purring left to die in cold, city streets. Those who followed the way of the dog - thinking themselves winning dogs - shrugged at the dying cats. "Nothing can be done. It's a dog's world and we must follow the way of the dog."

Face of a winner?

But justice like truth is inescapable. For though believing themselves dogs - and executing any poor bastard who disagreed - not one dog on the planet did actually exist. Verily, on the day of reckoning light, each soul was revealed to be feline in nature. Foolish cats of the earth pretending to be dogs used this deception to condone their dog-eat-dog way. But so did they fear their true feline nature they rejected the cat food needed to survive, leaving their bodies as turds in the sand.

Then the hand of God reached down with a scooper of gold, cleansing the earth as required of any litter box. And God was pleased with his cat. "Rejoice, Tink! The day of the cat is here! The world has shed its dog collars forevermore!" And the world did purr.



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